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Friday, December 30, 2005

Just a comment...

Just a comment...

Why this morning was I confronted, when driving down the freeway at only 70 mph, and got behind someone who is driving slower, with noone in front of them, does the said other driver not pull over at a convenient time into the slow lane and allow me to pass????

Why when the person (don't know if male or female) finally did get into the slow lane (at a signal on the highway), then decided to get back into the fast lane, did I let him/her????

Then the person got back into the slow lane and proceeded to then go faster as I tried to pass him/her not allowing me to pass??

I hate people like this and I really don't think it was intentional, because there have been times when I have unknowingly done the same thing.

It was very unnerving and frustrating for me. Anyways, just had to get that off my chest. Thanks.

In his Loving Arms, even on the freeway!!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Praise the Lord and Pass the Biscuits

WELL... I wrote yesterday about the house, and how many (few) people have looked at it since it went on the market. Well, yesterday morning the realtor showed the place to someone and that wonderful amazing person put in a bid, close to the asking price, and .... fingers crossed .... we are accepting it so may have sold it !!!!!

sigh.... What a big weight off my slumped shoulders. I don't know who says God does not listen and answer prayers, but I am a firm believer that he does and has.

If is always when I am low and look on the bright side that God is there saying... "See, I was here all along, you just had to ask for my help."

Yippee... and give me some honey for those biscuits!!!!

In His Faithful, Strong, "Everlasting" Loving Arms

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

House Woes

My house is in pre-foreclosure, due to a lot of things some of which I have mentioned in earlier posts. We (my soon-to-be-ex and I) have gotten with a realtor and have put the house on the market in hopes of selling before forclosing.

The realtor originally put the house on market, asking price of $225k which I believed was way too high. After about two weeks, given the state of the housing market right now, the realtor approched us with lowering the asking price to $189k. This is much more reasonable, and hopefully will help sell it faster.

There have not been many looky-loos yet, and I know this is because of the Christmas holiday and the horrible wet weather we have been having recently. I am starting to get a little down, but keep telling myself that God is guiding me and will not steer me wrong. I have always put my complete faith in Him, even with all the bad stuff happening.

I know that moving out of the house is going to be a difficult task. I hate to pack and so have started doing this a little bit-by-bit. I hate to clean and have not done much of that yet! but I know that time will come. I really have no choice but to move in with my Dad -- again -- at the prime age of 39. I don't know what I would do without him here to hold me up.

I have talked with him a little bit about the move. It depresses him so I don't mention it often, then he says that I don't ever tell him what's going on with my life, etc. so I really cant seem to win!!! I know that I will not be able to stay with him for a long period of time, though it actually would be good for him to have someone around, as he is getting older, more ill and depressed. I know that I can't stay with him for those very reasons, so that I can keep my sanity, and deal with my own depression healthily. When I told him that I will have to eventually find a place, probably in Sacramento, and move to town, he said "You're abandoning me." I told him that is not true, and then listed all the good things my living in town would bring me.

I would be closer to work, and could ride a bike if I had an apartment close enough. Living in town would save me 50 miles drive each day, and therefore about $250-400 in gas costs per month. I would be more likely to eat at home more, if I have a decent kitchen to cook in, and that I could get home to early enough in the day. Charlie would be living closer to school and could walk or ride bike to and from, saving him the wait after school for me to pick him up. I could do things with friends who live in town, who do not want to drive out to my "neck of the woods" because they have never been out of the city and think it is sooooo far to go.

There are a lot of good things that I have been thinking about that can be a result of selling the house and moving out. I hopefully will also have enough money to finally file and get the divorce that I have been putting off for a year now! and could pay off debts which are very outstanding!and I can help get Charlie braces for his horrible teeth (better late than never), and maybe even have enough left over for lasik surgery for me.

So, I am trying to stay positive in my thoughts and remind myself that I am always and forever...

In His Loving Arms

Friday, December 16, 2005

In Lieu of Actual Blogging...

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Blogging, left in the dust...

I have been swamped with life and have not had time to blog...

I couldn't even tell you what I have been doing, although I use to blog more during the times that I didnt have to get Charlie from school right after work. But I get off work at 4pm, and he gets out of school at 250pm, so I don't want to make him wait too much while I jot down my thoughts. Plus, I have been doing other things during my lunch break and other people have been using the computers when I have had time. It does not make for good blogging.

I really need to get a phone line and get connected to the internet at home again.

My home is in pre-forclosure, so am looking at possibly moving in with my dad for a while til I can get on my feet, unless something else comes along. At this point, something else does not look promising.

But, I must get back to work now.

In Jesus' Loving Arms...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Sniffle, Snuffle, Sneeze, Part 2

Well, I was off work again for a week. Same crap different days. This time I did go to the doctor. I let him know that I usually don't like to complain about my allergies, however this year they were worse than normal and that the Claritin is not working like usual. He gave me three options: (1) go to the allergist and get shots (nixed this as that is a pain in the arm and a general waste of time), (2) get a mess of medications to take, or (3) move to another part of the lovely U.S. of A. or another country!!

Moving is not an option, and as stated before NO to the allergy shots. So, that left the mess of medications. So, I have now been using an inhaler, nose spray, eye drops, and ointment. I have not had trouble with asthma for quite a long time, and don't want to have another serious attack, so have been using the meds faithfully.

The doctor also suggested, quite kindly that I should think about getting a nice family to adopt my dawg and kat! HAH! Let him know under no means will they be leaving my home other than in a box! He reminded me that they are a big part of my allergy troubles and I agreed with him, but let him know that they are my family and are not going anywhere, so there.

I was also reminded to get my flu shot, which I did immediately.

I went back to work today, hating every moment of it. My breathing is still a little labored, which makes it interesting talking with customers on the phone all day, but oh well. I will get better soon, I hope. Anyways, enough boring crap.

Blog on!.... in His Loving Arms....

Monday, October 31, 2005


My car is not working any better than it was, only difference I notice is the tranny is a little less sluggish and don't smell the gas anymore. I have to change the distribution wires very soon because the engine is "missing" so am going to buy those after work today and change those tonight. That should help .

This Past Weekend

Well, here it is. Another Monday and that means another wasted weekend. I had a Women’s Council meeting on Saturday but because of the car troubles I had already cancelled going to that. It was a good thing too because Friday night I went to sleep at 10pm and did not wake up until Saturday Noon. It was not good sleep either. I had strange dreams that I can’t remember just bits and pieces. If you were to ask me about the dreams I would not be able to put any of it into words. This did not make for restful sleep at all.

Then when I did happen to finally roll out of bed I had one of the worst headaches ever. It felt like someone had jammed an ice-pick thru my skull and was wiggling it around, and around, and around. I did get into the shower and out, very gingerly, got dressed and made my way downstairs.

I knew there was no way I was going to be able to stitch with this head splitting ache, so ate a bowl of cereal (Franken-Berry!!!), and turned on the classic rock station. Then of all things I decided to shred some papers that had been piling up for about 10 months! It did not make the headache worse, and certainly did not improve it either.

I did that until about 3pm, then decided to do a load of laundry and went back upstairs. I got the laundry started at least, then decided to lay down after taking a couple more Tylenol…. Well, I slept until almost 7pm, and when I woke up was feeling a little better, so went over to my dad’s and was talked into going to KFC and Wal-Mart with him.

Sunday I felt a lot better and was able to go to church and function at a normal level. I even went home and cleaned out all the old food in the huge freezer. I had almost empty containers of ice cream (5 of them), plus an empty plastic gallon bucket of ice cream (why?), and assorted breads, fruits, nuts, and meat.. all freezer burned. I have about a layer of 3 inches of ice on all racks. Some time soon I will need to take the freezer outside and defrost it.

I went to Dad’s for dinner on Saturday – he had also been cleaning out his freezer and had a turkey to cook... so we had a preview of Thanksgiving. We watched the movie SNATCH also. It was a nice family dinner/afternoon gathering. My brother and his lady were there also.

Charlie has been with his father since Thursday evening. Beginning on Friday this week Sonny will be a resident of Placer County Jail for a few weeks for probation violation so they are trying to spend a lot of time together. I get to pick him up from his Grandma’s house this evening.

Otherwise it was a pretty good weekend!!! Got a little work done around the house: stuff thrown out of freezer, laundry (actually did finish all of it), and paper shredded; and had good family time with Dad and Bro on Sunday.

In His Loving Arms,

Friday, October 28, 2005

$$ Cha-Ching $$

Yes, that is the sound of the register at the mechanics.... going crazy flipping over and over and over again like a jackpot on the one-armed-bandit.

Ok, first things first.. the gas smell is because when my brother was putting in the new spark plugs he or I must have bumped against a wire or something because the leak was being caused by a loose hose that connected the gas tank to the engine.. been fixed already!! yeah, nice and simple and only $183+ to find out!! whoo hoo....

But, also needed are many other repairs, some I knew about and others that I didn't.

  1. Transmission flush - not just new tranny fluid, but they want to flush the system because it (the fluid) instead of being the pretty red color it should be is currently the color of sludge. Knew something was needed for the tranny because kinda sluggish on right turns and I was just praying I wouldn't need a whole new one.

  2. Brakes, pads and front rotor -- knew about brakes, they are metal to metal, and starting to squeal like a stuck pig. I have someone already lined up to do the brake job!! Cheep-Cheep! A guy at work and his cousin can do the job during his lunch hour, so I don't have to take it anywhere!! Cheap, under the table labor is wonderful sometimes. Sorry all you legit mechanics, but have to go this way!

  3. Tires - pretty obvious, but can't really afford the benji's for that quite yet, need the brakes more than the tires right now.

  4. Valve cover gasket - ?? huh what's that?

  5. Fuel filter - $23 for the filter (at the shop, prob half that at pep boys) and $45 labor!, nah, can have someone else do that too, if I ask around might find someone at work -- maybe the brake guy??

  6. Distribution wires -- totally forgot about changing them when I did the spark plugs! DOH! Can do those myself even, I do know how to do that, or at least think so, but if not can have my bro do it, as long as he does not knock the gas line loose again!!

  7. Oil Change - the said I needed it changed and oil filter too... however I just changed the oil, but then the guy amended his comment, says oil is low, and explained to me how I need to check it, especially after changing it to make sure there is enough in there.... I didn't tell him that I have already chkd it and it is clearly in the hash-mark area between the words ADD and FULL... I am not that stupid... well I am but do actually check the oil once in a while, not as often as suppose to be often enough!

I have agreed for them to do the tranny flush, because that is something that I certainly can't do myself and I know that I can't afford to have the tranny go out on my car at any time in the near or far future.

I am trying really hard to be a responsible adult. It is really hard to do when it comes to cars. I am one of those people who does not really want to know how to do anything on the car myself. Filling the gas tank, checking the radiator, oil, brake fluids, that is about the extent of my expertise. OH, also check the tires to make sure they are at the right PSI, and for any nails etc. that may cause my sorry ass to be parked along side the freeway, waiting for some nice person to realize I need help. (no cell phone!)

I know the process for changing the air filter, and the oil/oil filter, but I don't want to have to do it myself and get my hands dirty. OCD about dirt and germs you know.... But, I can do them if I need to, I just don't want to. Anything else beyond that and I am in trouble...

Well, today will end up costing me about $325.00 or so, plus a vacation day. But, I know that in the long run it will save me big BUCKS.... and the diagnostic being done on my car is worth the money if I listen to the results and get the car fixed soon.

Now, I just need to play the lottery, because if I don't play I can't win!!! and I need to be shouting SHOW ME THE MONEY right about now!!

Love and Peace y'all...Poor Purple Hydrangea is...
In His Loving Arms

Car Woes

Well, once again I am sitting at work for a while, while not working. I took the day as a vacation day, but still have to come to town to drop Charlie off at school. His dad and grandma will be picking him up from school, so at least I don't have to worry about that.

It is a good thing too, because after I dropped him off and arranged to have the day off, I had to take my car to the shop. My brother and I did an oil change, air filter change and tune up a couple weeks or so ago, and since then I have been smelling gasoline every time I come to a stop. The fumes are getting worse.

It sucks royally to have to take the car in. I really have never had to do that because my soon-to-be-ex (stbx) works on cars for a living (when working anyways) and has always been my mechanic. On days like right now, when I need something done which he usually did, I really start to think "maybe thats why I stayed with him for so long"... so I would not have to pay a mechanic an outrageous sum of money to just diagnose what might be the trouble with my car.

So, there are two shops right by work and I went to the one that a few people have told me that they go to. Just for them to diagnose the trbl will cost me $138, and some change. That is not for fixing the darn thing. I am getting nervous just thinking about how much it will actually cost to fix it. Plus I do not trust mechanics, but... sigh.

I asked Sonny (the stbx) to look under the door and let me know what would be causing me to get the fumes. At the time he sort of glanced at the engine, and said "yeah, this type of thing will cause the engine to catch fire" then walked away. Nice.

So, then he later told my son that when the car caught on fire to run away from it as fast as he can, but to go in the direction of the rear of the car, rather than the front. Nice again.


I filled up my gas tank yesterday, and am getting at least 50+ miles less per tank than before. So while the gas was pumping I asked Charlie if he knew any mechanics around that I could ask about the trbl I am having with the car and he said "joe".. Sonny's best friend.... so that won't work.

The last time that I saw Joe he had just called me the C-NT word, not to my face but to my son on the phone, while I was on the phone too... and I went-off on him. Besides I would never have him look at my car because Sonny always said that Joe talks big but would not know how to fix a car correctly anyways.

It's kind of funny too, because just last week Sonny had me take Charlie to the hospital emergency room because Charlie was complaining about being dizzy. Actually I was just the chauffer and payer of the hospital co-payment. Sonny handled everything while we were there, going to talk with the Dr's with Charlie during the exam, etc. He sat in the backseat to and from town and commented on the fumes, and had his window cracked a bit to let in some fresh air. He knows how bad it is, yet still not offering to fix it.

I have talked to a couple of girl-friends and they are shocked. "And, like, you are driving around with HIS SON in the car, does he not care if something happens???" YEP folks, it is like that. It is funny, I do not hate him, I pity him, I pity myself, I pity our son mostly for having to deal with his f*ck'd up parents/family... But, Sonny hates me because I turned my back on him after he was arrested. He feels that I think I am Ms. Perfect, and does not seem to want to understand that I have stood by him for 20 years. I have been there for him during his addictions: pot, speed, alcohol. I have been there supporting him during the years he did not work because of the addictions. I have supported him being at home raising Charlie for years while I worked to support our family. Yet, I am selfish during HIS time of need. After he F*CK'd up royally. I AM THE SELFISH ONE!!... Yet, I still tend to let people know that he is a good father to Charlie. And, he is a good father as mis-guided as his life has been, he loves his son with all his heart.

But, he still will not offer to fix my damn car himself!!

That's why I pray. I pray for him to come to terms with his life, and the choices he has made. I pray for Charlie to choose a life on a path that has been sown with Good Seeds: faith, love, compassion, trust. I pray for myself, to be honest with myself, to live with compassion that is hard to find sometimes, to have patience and faith that things turn out ok.

That's why I remain forever IN HIS LOVING ARMS....

Peace be with us all in this time before the Holidays. They can be turbulent times.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Sniffle, Snuffle, Sneeze

It has been such a long time since my last blog.... I may have mentioned in the past that I don't have a phone so am unable to get online at home, and was off work last week because I was sick.

So, my "week off" was actually needed. Every year around this time I get hit with a horrible allergy/sinus/flu type thing. It is because I live in the middle of rice paddies -- not in China, "right here in River City" ... It is harvest and there is rice dust in the air, along with dirt and smoke from the few remaining fields that are allowed to burn the rice stubble. It about kills be and when it hits I think longingly of living somewhere else.. but know that I probably never will move out of the area unless forced to.

My brother, who suffers as well, commented that my allergies were the worse he has ever seen them.. and we have only been "friends" for the past couple years so he has missed out on some good attacks. He is right tho because this was horrible.

I use to suffer from asthma also, so when I get this twice a year bug-thingy (did I mention I get the same thing in spring during planting season ???) I worry about the asthma returning and getting a respiratory infection along with it. The last time I had a serious asthma attach I was put into the hospital for a week, breathing treatments every time I fell asleep, xrays, the whole nine yards...

So, I self-medicated -- with a lot of sleep, a lot of sitting and stitching, and lots of V-8, both tomato and fruit varieties... plus my trusty friend AFRIN nose spray.. a box of Kleenex anti-viral tissues.. video games... and did I mention a lot of sleep????

But I am better now, at least for today, YEAH!! Not complete total health, don't think that will ever happen, but better than last week.

Thank God!
and forever In His Loving Arms!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Friends, Beyond Time

I received the following in an email from a "girl" who was my best friend from 6th-8th grade. I moved away to PA for 9th grade and when I came back we had moved on.. different friend circles, music styles (very important in H.S.), etc. We still said "Hi" and "How are you?" when we passed in the hallways, asked about each others families, etc.

We spent a lot of time together in the 3 years we hung out, she lived just a few houses away. We walked to and from school, actually ran home from school most days to watch General Hospital. Those were the days that Luke and Laura were just starting out!... I remember one of her brothers was a huge KISS fan. Her parents are Greek imports to the U.S. and their home always was warm and cozy and friendly, so unlike mine.

We were out of touch and still basically are. We live on opposite sides of ... not the country.. but of Sacramento; we haven't seen each other for 20 years. I am sorry but I can't remember if I saw/talked to her at our 5 year H.S. reunion or not. It was a blur, I had a few drinks before getting the courage to walk into the room, then hung out with my then fiance and left early.

We reconnected thru our H.S. web-site, and have been exchanging email fun stuff for the past few years, but you know what??? I still think of her as a very dear friend and apparently the feeling is mutual.

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two
  1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
  2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
  3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
  4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
  5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
  6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
  7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
  8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
  9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
  10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
  11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
  12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
  13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON. True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends? Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!

What a great list!! Feel free to share it and pass along to some of your friends - fair weather or fleeting.. they touched your life long enough for you to call them FRIEND.

Waiter Rant sums it up

I thought this post at Waiter Rant sums up most of my days lately... give it a read:

Monday, October 03, 2005


Here is a link to the site where my cross-stitch is pictured!
Of course I am not near done, and the picture on the web-site has horrible color. It does not do the actual work proud.

Weekend In Review

Well, I planned to mow the lawn on Saturday and instead the wind was blowing like crazy. My allergies were so bad that I woke earlier in the morning and had a raging head-ache, probably because of the wind in the first place, and so didn't get up until about 10:30. My head was pounding, but I sat down and did a little cross stitch.

I decided that sitting in the house was not productive enough so went over to visit with my dad. As I was pulling into his driveway he was backing out of the garage, getting ready to go to his sisters house for a little while. I went inside and watched Audioslave on the direct tv FreeView. COOL. I love Audioslave, but Chris Cornell seems to be very unemotional. That was odd because I think he sings with a lot of emotion.

My dad got home but said that he was going to be going back over to his sisters for dinner, so I visited with him (sort of) for about an hour til he was getting ready to go. I went back home and from 430 until about midnight I sat in my chair and stitched, and listened to the rock station. Very productive time for me. I got a lot done.

Sunday morning I woke up early (for me on Sunday) at 7 and was ready to go when my friend arrived to pick me up for the Juvinile Diabeties walk. We got there around 830 and the walk started around 9, we were home by 1130. We got really lucky with the weather, because they were predicting rain and it didn't, but was nicely cool with some cloud cover.

The walk itself was pretty uneventful, but we happened to walk by the Sacramento Convention Center, and there were people outside protesting. These people were holding signs that read "Homosexuality is a Sin" and "God Hates Homosexuals" ... argh....

I told my friend "I am going to keep my mouth shut so that I don't get into trouble." She said "I am going to tell them that I am a Christian and that I am offended" by them and what they were doing. Well, neither of us did what we said we were going to do. When we got to the corner a man was standing there holding a Bible and saying "What does the Bible say about Homosexuality...." So, I said "It says that Christ loves EVERYONE!" and just walked on, and threw over my shoulder "And we love YOU."

It just makes me mad that these "Christians" are deciding for me what I believe. I obviously do not agree with what they were saying. I do not believe that we on Earth are to judge others, but that is for God to do, and GOD only can be the judge. I hate the small-minded, bigotted ways of people like the one on the corner. I do respect his right to stand there and express his views, but I wish that he would understand that I am a Christian and I do not agree with his views, and that is ok too.

In His Loving Arms,

Friday, September 30, 2005

Mutter, Mutter, Grumble and Groan

I have had a fairly boring week, nothing pops in my head to ramble about, but here I sit, trying to type just because I haven't for a while. So, I think I will just type some follow-ups to previuos ramblings.... Here goes nothing!

The ibubrophen seems to be working a little, the arm is numb only a few times a day, and the pain is less!!

The cat seems to be able to read my blog or my mind or something, and has not left any mouse parts around lately. Maybe he is taking a break from his JOB!!

The dog has been happy sleeping on his blankets, rather than on my bed, though it has cooled down at night and last night he was looking quite longingly at me, as though begging to get permission to climb on the bed. He did NOT get that permission, just a pat on the head and (said in a childish voice) "you're such a gooooood dogggggggie, nighty night."

I am getting quite a bit accomplished on my dragon/knight cross-stitch. It might not take me the entire year if I go at this pace. I am trying to do a little bit every night during my tv time, which is proving to be more difficult as the new tv shows are starting up. It was much easier during repeats, because I had already seen them and did not actually need to WATCH the show, just listen. But, with the new shows, I want to actually watch them.. and to do my stitching I have to remove my glasses to see.

Damn, that means that I need to go and have my eyes checked and probably look into bi- or tri-focals!! yuck... does anyone know where I can get a few million dollars, i really want the lasik surgury, and a few other things too!

This weekend I am going to be going on a walk-a-thon, just 3 miles, starting at the Capitol building and going around the downtown Sacramento area. It is a walk for Juvinile Diabetes Research. I have no one sponsoring me but I will walk anyways for the group "Kaiser Kids" because my little friend Ethan has diabetes. He, his brother and mom are going to be walking and asked me to go along. We did this once before and it was cool. I hope the weather stays nice this weekend.

I also need to mow my lawn, probably tomorrow morning. I have not mown it for over a month. I thought the weeds would be going crazy but I guess you have to have water for them to grow?? HUM, didnt know that !! Haven't watered because have not wanted to mow in 100+ degree temperatures. My son does not seem to want to help out in this, though I keep asking him.

I finally heard from the company owner who has the rebar yard in front of my house. I owe about $600 for the two truck windows my son shot out with his BB Gun this summer, in retaliation for the guy saying some not very nice things to him two years ago. Damn, revenge may be sweet, but the bills SUCK. Think his dad will be able to come up with part of it because HE IS THE ONE WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL TO LET CHARLIE GET A DAMN BB GUN??? I will try but won't hold my breath.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Mouse Parts

I have to preface this post with a little description of my house. It is two stories, and prior to our moving in was two studio apartments, one up and one down. There are stairs going from the downstairs front door, to a porch upstairs. These stairs are wooden and outside, old, rickety and needing a lot of love and kindness.

So, yesterday I woke and got ready for work, then went down the stairs to go inside and get my purse and other items that I take to work. I got to the door stoop and looked down at the cat and dog who think they have to be the first in the door, always. I noticed other animal parts there too.

Why is it that cats, Jules is the one in question right now, have to bring you their trophies???

I don't mind it, really I don't, but I would like them to be somewhere else, rather than under my feet. When I looked down yesterday there were four body parts: 1 leg, 1 tail, and 2 heads. They had been there long enough for some ants to have found them and excavation had begun. Oh, I forgot to say there was also a little pile of entrails. YUCK!

Now, I have come down at times to find bodies of birds, mice, and the occasional baby bunny. I don't mind entire bodies, they are a lot easier to scoop up and get rid of... but PARTS I do not want to deal with. I managed to kick the heads out of the way but the tail and leg and entrails?? I just left them there. I figure they will manage to leave on their own, one way or another.

I don't understand the way or the why of 2 heads, but only 1 leg and 1 tail. Why not just eat the whole mouse, or at least leave the same parts if they do not appeal?? Cat's are so strange.

In His Loving Arms...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Neurosurgeon Info

I went on Monday to speak with the Neurosurgeon about my neck, the herniated disc things. He was a fantastic doctor, who actually sat down and listened to all my ailments, real and imagined. He did not say anything about my weight being a factor in anything, unlike most doctors I have talked to about anything.

He told me that the MRI shows that I have actually got 2 herniated disc's, one above the other. One bulges to the left and the other to the right. The one that bulges to the left is what is causing my arm numbness and neck pain, apparently it is pushing against and aggravating my nerve. He told me the pro's and con's of surgery which he is not against but does not want to suggest at this time without trying other things.

He started me on 800 mg ibuprophen 3x's a day, and said that if that does not help we have this and this and this we can try later. I guess the nerve is really pissed off and we have to calm it down. He told me that if that happens I may not have need for further treatments and/or surgery. I have my fingers crossed that it will be so.

I already have noticed a slight improvement, so that is surely a blessing.

In His Loving Arms,

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Poor Max

Tomorrow I leave for Fall Retreat which the women of my regional church attend each year. It is in the beautiful Mission Springs conference grounds, just outside of Santa Cruz, CA.

I have arranged to have Charlie's grandmother pick him up tonight and get him to school tomorrow and then keep him all weekend. It took me a while to work up the nerve to do this and finally asked her last night. I previously had only asked her to pick him up from school on Friday, but then thought, heck I need time to get laundry done and packed too! So, I took the plunge and asked, and of course she said yes with no hesitation.

Then later last night I was thinking, oh crap what about Max and Jules? Max hates sleeping outside, he loves blankies and pillows. Who will feed them? So this morning I told Charlie that "if he wants" he and his father can stay at the house this weekend, or at least come over and stay for a while to take care of the animals, etc. It's pretty bad that I am feeling more guilty over Max having to sleep outside than anything else. What a damn spoiled baby!

Max has been going upstairs with Charlie at 830p since school started. I usually go up at 11ish. I got into the habit of letting Max on the bed with me, to "cuddle," when Charlie was in TX earlier this year, and so he kinda expects as a right now, rather than luxury. Max usually waits for an invitation but lately has been getting up there on his own. In the past week I have gone up to bed and Max is not on the bed but has just slinked off. The imprint of his body, still hot and doggie-smelling, getting closer and closer to "my side" of the bed. Two nights ago his head was obviously ON MY PILLOW. Well the next day I bought a new comfortor (the cat had marked the old one and I was feeling like getting a new one anyways), and donated my old blanket to Max. He is now firmly positioned on the floor again, with his own blankie and "pillow" throw too. No more dog on the bed for a while.

In his loving arms,

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Remembering 9/11/01

I am a couple days late but the memory is still there, probably will never leave. I have been reading blogs where people have been saying what they did when the Twin Towers fell and so I am prompted to write also. This is my generations John Kennedy/Martin Luther King Jr., where where you when you heard about....

I was getting in my car, taking my son to Lizzie's house. She watched Charlie before school til the bus came for him and her two daughters. Everyone usually rushing around in the before school madness. I turned on the car and heard on the radio, not standard KLOVE music, but news. They were saying something about an airplane into a building in NY, but I didn't catch it all, with my son getting in the car and everything. I made him hush as best I could and listened carefully to the news report on the 3 minute drive to Lizzie's house.

When I pulled into the driveway she rushed out to the car and I was rushing to go into the house to see the TV. Both of us, I am sure, had horrified looks on our face, terror, disbelief, awe even. As we watched the situation unfolding the reporters camera showed the 2nd plane hitting the 2nd tower. I just could not believe it. I wondered if similar things were happening in other cities. I live in California... what about Los Angeles, San Francisco.. even Sacramento where I work, what about there? I remember telling my son to watch the news closely that he was seeing history in the making.

I hated having to leave him and go on to work. I wanted to be able to sit at the TV for the entire day... I guess it is the sense of morbidity? Why do we do that, sit in front of the screen watching the bad shit happen across the world, and think "thank God it was not here" and also thinking "but what if...???" and "what can I do to help" ...

What do I tell my son about the events? You know what, even today I don't remember what I told him... Other than the truth. I have always been big on the truth. Plus what should I sugar coat, he had seen the news and the pictures of the devestation.

In some ways his slight Autism is a blessing, he does not feel emotions to the extent that I do, at least not for things of this magnitude. I think he knows, it but is able to compartmentalize it and move on? Death has never really bugged him. Ever. Not even with pets.

I did not see Charlie this year on 9/11. He was spending the day with his father, and I picked him up at 8pm, then he went home and straight to bed. I don't know if 9/11 was mentioned to him, or if so what he may have thought about it at this point. He was not in church to hear the great sermon delivered by Pastor Danny about forgiveness and how hard it is to forgive but that God says to do so 7x70 times.

That might be a great conversation for this evening on the ride home.

In His Loving Arms...

Friday, September 09, 2005

Beat me with the bloody stump... please

In light of recent events in the world I really don't want to bitch about things, but... I am going to anyways....

My arm and neck HURT. A LOT. I would rate it about a 6 most of the time, but there are moments and blocks of hours that it increases to about an 8 or 9 easily. I feel like it would be better to just tear off my left arm and beat myself about the head and shoulders.

I think it hurts more often and more noticably since it was diagnosed. Now that I know there is a real reason for the pain it is more apparent. Before I was diagnosed it was just thought to be "stress" "depression" "tension" "all in my head" ... and too many others to mention.

I have been taking pain medication, over-the-counter Excedrin and Tylenol PM, to get thru the days and nights. I really don't like to take pain pills. I have nothing against medication. Give me my Effexor and Wellbutrin, my vitamins and supplements, antihistamines and decongestants... but I DO NOT LIKE TO TAKE PAIN PILLS. They signify weakness to me and even though I am a hypocondriac, I still don't like to admit that I need them to get thru the day/night.

I have people in my family who are in so much more pain and have suffered so much more pain than I probably ever will. Who the hell do I think I am to bitch about this minor pain? My brother went thru months of recovery after his accident and probably never will feel completely 100% ever again, but he does not complain. My favorite cousin has cancer, and while I am sure she is bitching about it (and justified in doing so), if I know her she is laughing in the face of the big C.

Some people are giving me all sort of advice about needing to see a chiropractor and not have surgery. Well, from what I have read and from those people who have had surgery for herniated disc, I am going to push to have surgery. If a disc is herniated, bone crunchers can't fix it, they can releave some of the tension possibly, but I would still probably have to end up having the surgery anyways, so let's just get it over with.

Well, sigh, enough of that for now, my lunch is over with.

In His Loving, Painfree Arms...

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Charlie taking Inititive

Charlie is a special child. I start by saying this because I love him even with all the disheartening things that we have been thru, I do love my child. He has been in school since he was about 8 months old. That is a long time for a 15 year old child and it is not because he is accellerated or a high achiever and in college now! He is "developmentally delayed" and it was noticed when he was 8 months old, so we were told to get him into school for handicapped children, in a program called Preschool Intervention. It was one on one with physical and occupational therapists, and speech therapy was introduced later.

I can say it has been a struggle, dealing with a DD child, and a husband with drug and alcohol addiction, along with my own emotional troubles and depression. I can also say that if I had a chance to do it all over again, I would NOT. Not because Charlie is tough to deal with, but more so because I am not the parent that I would like to be. I want to be patient, loving and kind, attentive and nurturing, and I am rarely any of these, and certainly not all of them even... I want to be involved more with him, but find that his interests and mine are not compatible. He only wants to talk cars and stereos, and stereos in cars! This is part of his disease, but it drives me absolutely, totally crazy, and I tend to tune him out most of the time, which really angers him when I do not answer the way he wants or thinks that I should.

I digress from what I intended to write about so I am going to turn back to it.. ;0)

Charlie was enrolled in Biology, which at the school he is attending is a required 10th grade course. Charlie already took Biology and so needs to get into a different science class. I told him that I would have to contact his councelors and talk with them about getting this change. He apparently took it on himself and went in and made an appt to talk with them about this. I am so proud of him. He took inititive!! He wanted to be at school early today in order to get in there and talk with them, and I am sure that he was able to take care of it all by himself, with no mom intervention.

Sigh. My boy is growing up and gaining responsiblity. It sure takes a load off my shoulders.

In His Loving Arms...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

More... RE: School Transcript


I am going to the school after work today. I need to sign a release form and they will send it to who ever I would like them sent too. Please give me an address and a person that you want Charlie's records to go. How is Charlie doing? Does he stay by himself a lot?

"Aunt Bea"

Thank you "Aunt Bea"

Two two school districts involved are:




The transcript would need to be sent to both schools. Until I can get the transfer ok'd he must be enrolled at "Local School".. but until they get the transcript "Dream School" will not even consider the transfer request.

Charlie is doing well. He has been back and forth staying with his dad and grandma a lot of the time. During the days he is mostly alone of course, but has spent overnight time with his friend "D".

Thanks for your help with the transcript.


Michelle, is there anyone that I should put attention too? Please don't send him to "Local School." Please make sure that he goes to "Dream School."

"Aunt Bea"

"Aunt Bea"

Attention Student Services would be fine. I am doing my best to get him into "Dream School," however if they deny my application there is not much else we can do about it. "Local School" has already approved the transfer out of district, so all we are waiting for now is the transcript and approval by "Dream School."

What you are going to help is fantastic and I sure appreciate it

Thanks a bunch,


Michelle, I thought that you leaved right next to "Local School" high school. So, why would you need a transfer out of district? How does Charlie feel about going back to "Local School?"

"Aunt Bea"

"Aunt Bea,"

We live right next to "Local School", which is the school we don't want to have him attend. They have approved him going to another school. The school we want him to go to is "dream area" which is in Sacramento, near my work, in "dream" school district. If we get the transfer approved soon, then he will start school at "Dream School", not "Local School". So, at this point he is not in either school because "TX School" has not responded to requests for the transcript, which is required for enrollment. Michelle

More of the same but I don't want to bore you more than you must already be.... I feel like I am dealing with a 5-yr old. I ended up getting the transcript and so did the school district. The "dream school" however is full and so I had to enroll Charlie in a different school in "dream district". He started today!! I will write more later about the horrible time I had in registering him!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

RE: School Transcript


"Auntie Bea",

I have been trying to get a copy of Charlie's school transcript and can't seem to get thru to anyone at "Former HS". The School out here has sent a request, and I have left msgs on their voicemail and faxed them and still have not got anything. If either you or "Uncle Tee" are able to get a copy then I can get Charlie enrolled here. If you are able to get it.. if you can fax a copy to me at my work fax ###-###-####.

If you can't get it thats ok, I will just keep trying!





Michelle, I talked to "Uncle Tee", and if you go to the School that Charlie is going to be attending they will do all of that for you. They send it over the computer. "Auntie Bea"

My Response to the Response:

"Auntie Bea",

Thanks, I have already gone thru "School Name", our local school, who have already requested the transcript and "Former School" has not sent it to them yet. The district that I am trying to get him into, which is out of our local district, requires a copy before they will grant the inter-district transfer and have requested that I get them a copy of the transcript. I have left msgs with "Former School" Records office and also sent them a fax, none of which they have responded to, which is why I have asked if you can get a copy of it.


Side-bar: Not sure what was not apparent in the first msg?? Hello, I have already gone thru the "proper" channels already, now I am pleading with you for help on the TX side... Is that too hard?? Must be.

Sigh.... sigh.... and SIGH....

In His Loving Arms,

Friday, August 19, 2005

My Hero...

My Hero... he wanted to go outside at around 3 a.m. and let me know in his own peculiar way. Bump, bump, bump bump... He walks around my side of the bed and bumps his butt all along the side of the bed, bump, bump, bump, bump... Wake up Mommy, Wake up!! I have to go out and pee! Bump, bump, bump bump... Eventually it breaks thru my sleep and wakes me up.

I stumble the couple of steps to the door, unlock it and open the door enough so that I am not trampled by the now 8 feet trying to get out the door. The cat, Jules, is usually under Max's big feet, trying to be first out. They both push past me out into the cool nights air, sniffing to see what's going on in the moonlit wee morning hours.

Suddenly Max sees something down and out by the rice field edge. If it was not certain death he would have taken the direct route right off the edge of the porch, but instead made the stairs in leaps and bounds. He rushed the fence barking like nothing I had heard in a long time so that worried me a little bit.

I squinted out into the night, seeing in the area near where he was barking a light-colored object, ghost-like in the night just on the other side of the driveway outside the fence. Without my glasses it could have been anything... so I turned and fumbled around the night stand to get them and put them on quickly. Looking back towards the object I could see quite clearly that there was a bunch of balloons which had deflated and come to a stop on some weeds.

I am sure that to Max it looked like a grounded UFO, or something equally threatening. I have heard that dogs are color-blind, and between that and it being night, having that strangely shaped mass of objects, right there where they should not have been, who knows what he was thinking it was. He was charging the fence, feet tearing at the grass similar to a bull about to attack, barking very, very loudly. Living in the country it is not that big of a deal but if he got going, it was going to get all the other dogs in the surrounding mile going too and then I would have some angry people! So, I yelled for Max to stop and that it was ok, he was a good boy but come upstairs, back to bed.

Max was having nothing of that, he was doing his best to protect me and Jules and everyone else from this strange invasion. HE WAS NOT GOING TO LEAVE THE FENCE, AND HE WAS NOT GOING TO STOP BARKING!!! So, I did what I had to do.

I slipped on my shoes and stumbled down the stairs to herd him back upstairs and inside. I got to him and had to physically chase him away from the fence and he kept trying to circle back to it, yipping. I felt like I was herding a flock of one, one who did not want to be herded. I finally got him to reluctantly go up the steps, slowing, letting out an occasional bark, as if to let the balloons know he was still watching. "Don't make any sudden moves, balloons, or I will be back to get you."

This morning when I opened the door to leave for work, Max raced down the steps, back to the fence, to once again bark at the balloons. He was still there as I pulled out of the driveway. Not the "I am going to tear you apart limb-by-limb" bark, but he was not going to let them forget who was in charge. And they better not come into the yard, OR ELSE.

I am just wondering if the balloons will still be in the same place as they were this morning. If so, I wonder how much of the day Max spent with them, or if he finally decided they were no threat.

In His Loving Arms,

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Back to School Conversation

Last night Charlie and I were at my Bro's house, checking out his and Anne's new Xterra. Went inside to watch Rockstar: INXS and at about 815 the outside light came on. It was my hubby coming to steal Charlie away again. In the past week Charlie has slept in his own bed twice (not counting naps). I was a little upset but let him go. The conversation went pretty much as follows:

Hub: I have court tomorrow and was wondering if Charlie could come with me and we can go school shopping afterwards, unless you already have plans for school shopping?

Me: No, I figured that for the moment he has enough clothes to get him thru the first few months of school.

Hub: (raised eyebrows) Do you need school clothes (looking at Char)?

Char: Yes. (of course)

Me: Well, if thats what you want to do that is fine with me. Make sure that you go home and get your overnight stuff ok? Love you.

(start walking to the car, where Grandma is waiting because she has to transport Hub everywhere until he can get his license back) (he stops and turns around, like Colombo)

Hub: Have you taken care of getting Char enrolled in school? When does it start? Where is the school, because he can't go to the school out here you know, because of the way they treated Char before because of me being in jail...

Me: I have just got the inter-district transfer paper today. Char picked it up. I am taking it to the other district tomorrow. I have it under control. But I will still have to enroll him out here until the transfer is approved if it is.

Hub: Well, it is out of the question that he goes to school here, they are just too mean.

Me: Well, the transfer has to be approved, we should know soon. ok?

Hub: Where is this other school anyways?

Me: I have told you where it is (gave location again), it is that big building on the north side of the road, have you been over there to look for it at all?

Hub: Yeah but there is not a HS there just a college.

Me: The jr college holds classes at the HS, but that (awesome, giant, beautiful) building is the HS that I want Char to go to.

Hub: Oh.

Me: Ok I have to go inside because the mosquitoes are horrible.. Char have
a good time, be good, love you ... See you when? on Friday? Ok. (hug and kiss)

Then I went inside and bitched Hub out real good to my brother!!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

gracEmail (GOD'S LOVE EXPERIENCED), Edward Fudge, Aug 16, 2005

Edward Fudge
Aug 16, 2005

God loved human beings so much that he gave his one-and-only Son to bring our alienated world back to himself (John 3:16). That Son, whom we know as Jesus of Nazareth, also loved us so much that he laid down his life to restore us to healthy relationship with the Father (John 10:17-18). By his life and death, Jesus brought into being an objective reality that did not exist before -- a state of friendship between God and the estranged world. The gospel (which means a "happy announcement") is the good news of this restored relationship between the Creator and his human creatures everywhere. Just as the Father loved us before he gave his Son, the Son restored our friendship with the Father before we heard about it or believed that it was true.

With the gospel announcement comes the promise that all who trust in Jesus will immediately experience the reality of the renewed relationship with God which Jesus has brought into being. Because this seems too simple to be true, Jesus points to God's equally unbelievable promise given long ago to the Israelites in the wilderness (Numbers 21). When the venomous complaining of the rebellious people finally wore out God's patience, God punished them with a plague of poisonous snakes. In mercy, God then instructed Moses to mount a brass snake up on a pole, and to promise the people that every snake-bitten person who looked at that brass snake would live. In that same way, promises Jesus, once he has been lifted up on the cross, whoever believes in him will experience life that is out-of-this-world in quality and that will never end (John 3:14-15).

This story of God's incredible promise to the snake-bitten Israelites provides the setting for the familiar words recorded in John 3:16, which is why verse 16 begins with the connecting word "for." The ancient promise points us to the present promise, as each clause in verse 16 drives us to the clause that follows. "FOR God so loved the world, THAT he gave his only begotten Son, THAT whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life." God's love resulted in his giving us Jesus. Jesus' "lifting up" resulted in every believer experiencing eternal life.

The alternative to believing is to disbelieve, to deny that God's happy announcement is true, to reject the reality of Jesus as God's Son and of the restored relationship that Jesus has brought about between God and the human world. Just as believers enjoy eternal life, those who persistently reject God's love will finally perish. The ultimate cause of perishing is rejecting God (notice the "because" in verse 18). Although believing in Jesus in response to the good news results in enjoying eternal life, the ultimate cause of eternal life is not our believing, but the inexplicable, unbounded love of God. Those who experience eternal life must give God all the credit. Those who finally perish must themselves take all the blame.

© 2005 by Edward Fudge. Unlimited permission to copy without altering text or profiteering is hereby granted subject to inclusion of this copyright notice. For encouragement and spiritual food any time, visit our multimedia website at


Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I'm a Blue-Hair Angel (check the shoes)

I'm a Blue-Hair Angel (check the shoes)

Friday, August 12, 2005

More Blog-Things

Your Outrageous Name Is
Enorma Sass

Your Mood Ring is Magenta


Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro.
You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

He's just not that into me...

There is this guy I like. He is 4 years younger than I am and my brothers best friend. He knows that I like him but "he is just not that into me."

Have you read the book?

Check it out. It is pretty interesting but doesn't give a really good way for me to not be that interested back.

Well, anyways, my hubby and I had been separated for a while, living in the same house, him downstairs and me up. Then he was in the accident and subsequently incarcerated. I was quite relieved to be "single."

I had been interested in my brothers friend for a while before this. Hate to say it but I don't remember him as a teen-- I was older and he was just a friend of my kid brother and that would have been a little creepy... I first noticed him at his mothers funeral actually. I was there with my brother BK, and asked "who is the guy with the long hair" and he told me ... HUMMMMM I thought, long hair and probably the tallest man in the room, I was interested but at that time not really able to pursue a relationship.

When I became "single" I acted on the attraction quickly... Coming on to "JohnDoe" and letting him know that I would like a relationship with him. He let me know that he is not into relationships but would not turn down a one night stand. It was actually a two night stand then nothing more. He even told me that I was being too pushy, and maybe I was but I was desperate, horny, needy ... mostly scared that I would be turned down.

I have only "been with" my husband until this time, having not dated as a teen and married the first person to actually "want" me. I felt like a teenager... nervous, scared, excited, butterflies in the stomach, worried. It really hurts me to think that once again I am not wanted in a sexual, or even emotional, way. I really like to be with someone, I don't like being alone, I like to be around others even if we are not talking, just knowing they are there, knowing they care. There is just something that being with someone in a relationship, that feeds my soul, that will not be fed by any other relationship/friendship/family. I don't really understand how some people are so comfortable being alone, not needing to be needed, cherished, loved, wanted -- as I do.

Well, anyways back to my original thought... How do I become "just not that into him?" How can I move on? How can I not like this guy as much as I do? How can I move on and find someone else? Why do I need to have a man to be happy? Why does it matter?

I don't know the answers and don't know if I ever will. But I do know one thing... I am forever and always will be...

In His Loving Arms...

Dr's Note

I have not been to the gym in the past 2 months except maybe 1-2 times. I have the herniated disc and also Plantar Fasciitis which I can't pronounce, so call it a heel spur, plus the many other aches and pains that come with being over-weight.

I went to the gym yesterday to see about freezing my membership for a while until after I find out if I need surgery or not, then after cleared by the surgeon I would be able to get back to exercising regularly. Well, I see the neurosurgeon Sept. 19th to discuss treatment options, etc. The lady that I spoke with at the gym told me that I will need to bring a DOCTOR'S NOTE to freeze the membership for 6 months max, without charge. Without a DOCTOR'S NOTE I could freeze it for 2 months with a charge.

I left the gym feeling like I was in school again, needing a doctor's note to get out of Phys Ed:

To Whom It May Concern:

Please excuse Michelle from working out today because she hurts all over
and can possibly do more damage if she does work out.

Thank You, Mr. Doctor

When I saw my main doctor, he told me once again that I really need to lose some weight and it would make me feel much better and be healthier, etc., etc., etc. We have pretty much the same conversation every time I see him. If you are overweight, you know it, why be told it all the time?? I don't resent him saying it though because that is his JOB.

I have lost 15 lbs, since March, which I am very proud of, because I have been eating a lot of ice cream with peanut butter and chocolate sauce lately and have not put on any weight. Of course that is about all that I do eat in the evening.... I figure I am covering most of the major food groups: Dairy, Protien (are peanuts GRAIN??), Fat, Chocolate.... all but the Fruit/Veggie and Grains.... but, I still have about 65 lbs to go to be any where near my "ideal" weight.

I will have to later write about the awesome analogy my doctor made about my weight/food needs.

In HIS Loving Arms...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Since I am a bit of a hypocondriac ?sp? I tend to think something is wrong with each little twinge, twitch, cough, sniffle, etc.

Since my diagnosis of the herniated disc I have been noticing the pain a lot more, or else it is really a lot more pain? But, never-the-less, I have been taking more excederin, tylenol, and excused naps.

I have also been noticing that I am more depressed as each day goes on, and really am looking forward to talking with the neurosurgeon about surgery. I want a vacation so badly that surgery and recuperating will be a blessing. I am worried that "they" will decide on physical therapy over surgery, worried that if I do have surgery that I will not be able to read or cross-stitch comfortably.

BTW, I am not depressed about the disc thing... more about life situations, money, family, etc. I sometimes welcome pain and suffering because that gives me a real reason to bitch, rather than feeling guilty about bitching about normal every day bull shit that I have been "blessed" with for my entire life.... but I digress and so I am going to stop typing now...

Plus, my break is almost over and I have to get back to the job that drags on, and on, and on...

Grinning and Bearing it,
and In His Loving Arms

Thursday, August 04, 2005

UFOs and WIPs

One of the things that I am a little tiny bit OCD about is my cross-stitch.

Even in times that I don't work on it, and there are quite a few long periods where I will not touch needle, thread, nor fabric... I still have the compulsion to purchase more kits, more thread, more fabric. I have so much that I will never ever, NEVER EVER, complete them all. And yet I still buy more, MORE, so much more.

I once joined a Yahoo Group devoted to x-stitch. One of the questions on the application form to join was: What do UFO and WIP mean? I had no idea, so I went "in search of..." online. I found that they mean essentially the same thing -- UFO = un-finished object -- and WIP = work in progress.

I have figured out the difference in the two however...UFO's are those that I have started and now they are put away to be maybe finished up in a few years or whenever they catch my passing fancy again... WIP's are those items that I have worked on in the most recent times.

I currently have a few UFO's, though I have been working really hard at completing those, before starting anything new. My dad and I have a running joke, but it is not a joke because it is true, that neither one of us can finish any project that we have started. So, I decided that I was going to prove that I could actually finish something, and have completed about 8 UFO's in the past two months!!!! As you can imagine I am very happy about this. I currently am working on a large UFO, which is now my main WIP. It is of a pair of geese in a flower bed that I started probably about 10 years ago, planning on giving it to my Granny. Granny is long gone to her Maker, but I am gonna finish this darn thing anyways. It is turning out quite nice too!

I have also started a small Rose, which may become a UFO really quickly because I have another project that I am chomping at the bit to start. It is a very beautiful and complex piece, which if and when I finish it will be a dragon listening to a story being told by a knight. I have all the materials except the fabric, and it is in the mail and I hope it is at home this evening when I get there.

I want to get a scanner so that I could post pictures of my projects on this blog. That would be cool.

Forever In His Loving Arms....

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


Spinal Disc... not compact disc.

I had an MRI last week, Wednesday, and today just found that I actually do have a cause for the numbness and tingling that I have been experiencing in my left arm. And the pain in the neck, which is not caused by friends or family. And the headaches that I have been bothered with sometimes.

Talked to my doctor about the resuts, just got off the phone. He says that I do have hernated disc(s) in my neck and he is going to have me talk with a surgeon about my options. I wonder now if the pains in my back are also caused by this? I think I will ask for an MRI or something for the rest of my spine too.

Lunch is over so I will write more about all this later.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Silly Blog-Things

Overall, Your Observation Skills Get: B-
Your senses are pretty sharp (okay, most of the time)
And it takes something big to distract you!

Your Birthdate: December 3

Being born on the 3rd day of the month is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life.

The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental.

There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude.

You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression.

Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing.

You are energetic and always a good conversationalist.

You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters.

You are affectionate and loving, but sometimes too sensitive.

You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

Your Hidden Talent
You are both very knowledgeable and creative.
You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential.
Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them.
As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Waiting for Godot

You're Waiting for Godot!

by Samuel Beckett

Many people think you're extremely dull, but you're just trying to be patient. Really patient. Patient to the point of absurdity, quite frankly. Whatever you're waiting for isn't going to just come along, so you can stop waiting. I promise. Move on with your life. Change of scenery might do you good. Heck, any scenery might do you good. In the meantime, you do make for very interesting conversation.

Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

I had to laugh when I read the blip for this. I think I am quite complex, angry, bitchy, moody, depressed, lonely, talented, but never dull. I am waiting however: waiting for money that will never come; waiting for the job I am too lazy to go out and look for because the one I would like will never pay me a decent salary; waiting for family and friends to come over (not counting Ginger and my Dad because they do visit ;0) ... and vist when I ask them to... Some things will never happen, and I should stop waiting, so that part is entirely correct. I would like to move on with my life but not sure what movement I should take, preferring to sit and cross-stitch and watch tv, until something better comes along...everything else is just to exhausting for me right now. Plus, if I was content and happy I wouldn't have anything to bitch about!

I know that God has prepared me for something, I just have not chosen to get up, get out, and get on with it. Will let you know when I find it or it finds me first.

Forever in His Loving Arms

Monday, July 25, 2005

Saturday Morning Traffic

Saturday morning I woke around 8:30 which is rather early for me on a weekend day. I decided because the temperature was expected to hit another 3-digit high I better water the lawn a little before it got too hot. I set the sprinklers and thought about going back to bed, because that is how tired I was. Instead I took a seat on my upstairs porch and basked in the summer Saturday Morning traffic, and the growing heat of the day.

Traffic is not freeway, or even busy city traffic. It is a little slower here in Nicolaus. OK OK a lot slower. It can actually be a bit on the loud side though. I live right next to the Pacific Railroad which goes from points south (Sacramento) to points north (Washington State). As this is a major train path I have one going by approximately every 10-20 minutes depending on the time of day.

We tend to get more trains during the night when trying to sleep, and strangely a lot of them on Sunday during church. As I live right at an intersection I have the train blowing its horn as a warning to all those who for some reason have not seen the flashing red lights nor heard the clanging bells.

On this particular morning I noticed maybe two or three trains in the hour that I sat there. The other traffic was much more enjoyable. There were two airliners heading to Sacramento International Airport, about 20 miles south. I am directly in the flight path both from planes coming from the north and from the east. I had one of each.

I also had a couple of smaller 1 to 2 person planes tootling around, out for a Saturday cruise. I refer to all smaller planes as crop-dusters, even if they are not. We have those also, but they tend to be closer to the ground and buzz the house, making everything rattle, and then usually are crack of the dawn early.

A helicopter was going from Roseville,probably.. heading north-west towards Yuba City, maybe. A carrier jet was heading north to Beale AFB. I could hear a dirt-bike or two at a neighbors house about 1-mile as the crow flies.

Speaking of crows there were plenty of them flying around, and also many other birds I don't know the names of. Dragon-flys buzzing close to the ground in droves, and yellow-jackets angry that I tore their nest down the night before.

Sounds of the highway a mile west of my house were faint, just a truck shifting down for the four-way red light stop.

This is the traffic that I can live with. It is soothing.

As Always, In His Loving Arms

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Taking the Day Off

Today I am taking the day off.

I have been feeling sluggish, must be the heat, lack of sleep, laziness. But I just don't want to be at work today. So... that said I did wake up and drive to work. 30 mins and 22 miles later arriving to decide that I wanted to turn around and go back home to bed. I called in the vacation day and now am sitting in the computer room at work reading blogs, email, etc., and typing this. Mind you, I am still physically "at work" .. in the building.

You may be saying: go home and do this. I work for the phone company and I don't have phone service. Neither home phone or cell phone. It actually is quite (and quiet) nice, except when I want to be online. To be online I have to make use of the computers at work.

Kinda ironic. But I am about done here and will be going to the store then home in moments. When I get home I probably will decide it is cool enough to mow the lawn, which has not been done in about three weeks, so it is about knee high, and will take twice as long to do. I have a half-acre and it is only broken up by the one shade tree (see HOT HOT HOT) and a patch of 6 out-of-control grape vines. But we have a nice bit of cloud cover today and it is expected to only get to 95, rather than 105, which is what it is suppose to get to again in the next couple days.

After mowing the lawn, if I am feeling really adventurous I will get the weed-eater out. The last time I did that the darn thing won the battle and my legs were cut up pretty bad and I swore I would not use it again. But the weeds are demanding to be cut back a little bit around the edges, and it is either cut them or let them take over more than they are now, and its not a pretty sight. I really do like to have a pretty yard, but I don't like the work it takes to make/keep it that way.

Anyways, I was only going to comment on my day off and this has gotten away from me and starting to become a mini-bitch-session. So, I am going to pack it in and get the heck out of here.
As always,

In His Loving Arms

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Jules the Scrapper

I was under the impression that having your cat neutered would make them less likely to get into fights with other cats. This was obviously the WRONG impression, and I don't know why I was thinking that. What?, have them fixed and if approached by another cat wanting to fight they will just lay down and take it?? No, they must grab those no longer there items and fight!

My cat was fixed on a Saturday and was not totally recovered on Tuesday when he came home injured. Jules is his name, short for Orange Julius. Well, that evening my dog, Max (a pit-bull), went running up the outside stairs to the porch where the cat was laying down. Resting I thought. NOT.

Jules starts yowling and hissing up a fit. Max is bounding and bouncing and barking, thinking this is a great new game. I am yelling at Max to leave the cat alone. I was frightened that one would be hurt and not sure which one. Finally I was able to get Max down the stairs so that I could get up them to check out why my cat was thinking of suicide off the porch, and also willing to kill the pesky dog.

The cat had a puddle of blood where he had been and was dripping more. I was not sure where from, or what from, and he was not about to let me near. Eventually able to calm Jules down a little I was able to see that his tail had been bit, it was hanging there limply, too sore to move. Hair was missing around the wound, and I could tell that the wound was starting to scab over a little, but he was not about to let me treat it. I was not foolish enough to do it by myself either, or I would be travelling to the doctors with torn skin too.

In a few days the tail was looking worse and worse, not healing, getting infected. I decided it was time to take action, and not having the Benjamins to go to the vet I grabbed a towel, grabbed the cat, and took a look. I was able to clean the site a little bit before the cat hit the ceiling and it started to get better soon after.

Since that time the cat has come home sore more than once, but at least not bleeding. I think I finally know the animal that is fighting with him. Actually think there are more than one, he is a scrapper!! There is a neghbor cat to one side that he has "discussions" with and also a dog on the other side.

I suppose in a way I am a little like that cat. Me and Timex. Take a lickin' and keep on tickin'. I just hope that Jules and I have 9 full lives still.

In His Loving Arms...

Monday, July 18, 2005


Well we are in a heat wave... more like a heat tsunami, one week down and another week predicted. I think the toll is hitting me pretty hard, I am not a friend to heat. In winter, I will wear sandals, and don't even own a jacket, the most I will consider is wearing a sweater over a tee-shirt.... so, the heat is not my friend.

One problem that I face is that I have to use the air-conditioners, plural, because one is upstairs and the other down and if they both are not running the house is a furnace and will never cool off. I really hate having to use the a.c. but it is a necessary evil E-V-I-L. I have to make sure the dog is left inside also because 108 is too much for him also, and I have only one shade tree on my half acre of land....

Note to self: plant more shade trees (fast growing preferred).

I try to leave the temp at about 78 or 80 and use small fans and ceiling fans to blow the air around, but still sweat sitting still drinking ice water. Not a very comfortable feeling. Then I thank God that I have been blessed to be able to have a.c. and do not live in a warmer climate. I think of those unfortunate souls who are living in areas and have a tin roof and cardboard walls, and I really should fall on my knees and praise God that I have a life which is really not too bad.

But I am really considering buying a pool to cool off in, even if it is a little 6 ft wide wading-pool. I can just fill it up and put under that shade tree, turn on the sprinkler, sit there and listen to the birds singing crazily and the train as it roars by.

Yes, I think I may do that tonight!

In His Loving Arms...

Thursday, July 14, 2005

1 year ago...

1 year ago this evening my life changed. As you know change can be either good or bad and this change was both. My husband and brother were in a DUI accident, my brother almost lost his life, and my husband was sent to jail because he was the drunk driver.

Luckily, if there is any luck to this event, no other car was involved.

Bad things that came from this:
  1. Totalled Mini-Van -- MINE -- my hubby was kind enough to spare his truck.
  2. Husband in the hospital and then arrested/charged with felony DUI, and jailed.
  3. Trauma and Drama of the hospital for all involved.
  4. My brother was in and out of hospital for quite a few months.
  5. Loss of income for me to keep up with house payments, bills, etc.
  6. Hubbys truck was repossessed.
  7. My depression kicked in and I was unable to parent my then 14-yr old son.
  8. My son, moved to Texas to live with an uncle, because my hubbys family felt I was neglecting Charlie.

Good things that came from this:

  1. My brother has not had a drink for the past year, and does not want one.
  2. I have become much closer to my brother, and now know his girlfriend of 5+ yrs.
  3. I am stronger, mentally, and more independant.
  4. My son went to Texas and learned he is a smart kid.
  5. I got a cat.
  6. My husband is no longer living with me.

I am sure there are many more than this but I can't think of others right now and may have to amend this later.

In his Loving Arms, forever...

Friday, June 17, 2005

blue funk

I am again in a blue funk.

My husband is out of jail as of wednesday and my son prefers to spend time with him.

Charlie has been home from TX since friday last week... not quite 7 days, and in that time he has spend only 3 nights at my house, the rest with Grandma and his father.

I don't really begrudge his wanting to see Dad after such a long time, but he had not seen me for pretty much the same amount of time and yet he is so quick to go away from me. I know that we do not have much in common and I love him very much, but he certainly prefers to spend his free time with Dad.

I know that I am going to have to come to grips with this fact of life. However, his dad is such a bad influence on him. If Charlie wants to live with Dad instead of me, how much more will he not like me if I do not allow it, or go to a judge and request custody, with very little visitation, with conditions???

So I am muddling away.. away.. away. Dealing with it like I deal with a lot of things, by ignoring it and hoping it will GO AWAY.

In His Loving Arms....

Thursday, June 09, 2005

the thinks we remember...

I talked to Charlie last night to wish him Happy Birthday. I called at 640pm my time which is two hours earlier than it is in TX where he is. When he got on the phone I said "Almost Happy Birthday" and he laughed and said that it was his birthday all day ...

I told him NO, actually 15 years ago right now this actual minute you still had not been born. You were born at 844pm --and I stressed that it was California time, so he still had 2 hrs to go to OFFICIALLY be 15. Bummer.

He laughed and said he had been wondering what time of day he was born, and for some reason always thought it was morning.

Isn't it strange the thinks we think??

It's also strange the thinks we remember (and yes I am spelling it the way it is)...

When Charlie was born I had already been in the hospital over 24 hrs, on medication to get him to get the hell out of me ! (yeah right) .. he was already almost 2 wks overdue, but as a first baby not really a big concern. I had to have the plug removed for me, water-broken for me, contractions done FOR ME.. get the picture? All this while hooked up to monitors both around my belly and attached to the baby thru my .. well... you know.. so I couldn't even get up and walk around like they promised me I could do.

I had been going thru this for quite a long time and I must admit that the contractions were getting more intense but I still was not dilating like I should have. I asked for pain meds which I really didn't want to take, but couldn't handle it any more, so I was in la-la land when all hell broke loose.

The baby's monitor went ballistic and about 2000 staff members came running into the room (it really seemed like 2000 but probably was about 6), with me getting turned this way and that way and hands here there and everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE, in order to get the baby back to normal. whew it was crazy

Well, long story short I ended up having a C-section anyways and he had a great Apgar score and weight a decent 9.0 lbs.

I also remember I was extremely blessed to have this beautiful baby boy in my life.

in His loving arms...

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

No decision is a decision...

My son, Charlie, turns 15 tomorrow. How the hell did that happen and who gave him permission to do so?? He currently is living with his Uncle Tom in Texas and is due to come home on Friday this week. I have not seen him in almost 6 months. No pictures, nothing. I have been wondering what he looks like, so much can change in such a short time... more facial hair? taller? heavier? longer or shorter hair? It is a very uncertain time right now, not knowing, and that is the least of my worries.

Will he or I have changed more than just physically. Will we get along more than we did before he left? Will we finally make a connection? Will he still try to push the limits? (of course he will ;0) silly me

What will he think has changed with me?

I don't have the house "ready" for him. Actually it is not much different than when he left except that I have moved my bed into his room, and his bed is in pieces down in the living room. I feel like I am in a holding pattern, waiting, waiting, waiting... I don't want to change anything in preparation of his arrival because what if it is not right? I am going to just wait until he gets here and have him help me with it.

Sometimes making no decision is a decision, and I am going to stick with my decision to do nothing!

in His loving arms...

Monday, June 06, 2005

Ephesians 4:30

I found the following from another Blog....

and felt moved by it to put on my Blog today.

"Don't grieve God. Don't break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted." -Ephesians 4:30
(moving, breathing, most intimate, making, fit for himself...don't break his heart)

Depression is Depressing

Depression is very depressing. Now isn't that profound???

It is a wicked cycle. When I am down I don't want to get up.. literally. I want to sleep the day away, then have trouble sleeping all night. I know that sleeping as much as I do is not a good thing, but when I can't keep my eye-lids open what else is there to do??? The past couple weeks have been DOWN for me. I haven't wanted to do anything but eat, sleep, watch T.V. and work on my cross-stitch. I have not really wanted to be around other people but have forced myself to go to an important meeting, walk in the Relay for Life, and attend church, but not much more. I have even stopped going to the gym, which then makes me even more depressed, and FATTER.

But I know that this too shall pass, like a gall-stone: in time and after some pain!!

Anyways, enough complaining for now.

As always,
In His Loving Arms...

Thursday, April 28, 2005


I am not a very social person, so I am most comfortable sitting back and observing the crowd for a while. I have to really push myself to talk with someone new, but once I do then I really can open up -- sometimes too much!! I like to sit in my own “comfort zone” usually behind a table, watching and listening, and when someone comes over to talk about the items on my table I then have a good reason to talk and laugh with that person. This way I force myself to be interactive rather than sitting like a lump all the time.

I have made it my mission, my ministry, at regional church events to support the Women’s Ministry table. There I can talk with women who stop by and I can interest them in reading about this or that; and, of course, get to know them a little bit and they can get to know me a little bit.

This weekend I sat behind the Women’s Ministry information table and listened to the sermons, music, and just observed everyone as they passed by. My friend Diane came over during one session and asked if she could join me in my “comfort zone” and I was so glad to share this space.

Diane is a very special person to me. I first met her about 6 ½ years ago when my son Charlie went to his first summer church camp. He was just out of 2nd grade and nervous about being away from home for a week with a group of virtual strangers. Diane took him under her wings and made him so very comfortable and loved.

When I went to pick up Charlie at the end of the week, Diane came over to me, introduced herself, hugged me and then expressed how much she loved Charlie, and what a pleasure it was to get to know him. I have made it a point to hug Diane every time I see her. We don’t get to meet often because we are both busy people, but the heartfelt genuine affection and love for one another is there always. This is a soul-deep friendship.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


This past weekend I attended my church’s Annual Meeting in Pacific Grove. We stay at the Asilomar Conference Grounds. What a wonderful, beautiful place… even when it is raining as it was this weekend. The people make it so. I had the privilege of meeting Suzie and becoming closer to my friend Becky.

This was the first time that I had ever met Suzie, as far as I can remember anyhow. I was sitting talking to Becky and working on my cross-stitch. Suzie came over to see what I was working on and told me that her husband also works cross-stitch. I sat next to Suzie for lunch on Saturday and she had forgotten we met Friday afternoon, and said “Oh this is Michelle. I have heard a lot about you from Becky!” Through-out the rest of the weekend I was able to talk more about her and heard the story of how she and her husband met courted and married. I was amazed to learn that Suzie is only 2 years younger than my dad… I thought she was maybe 45 tops!! I feel like I made a real good friend this weekend and I know that I can never have too many friends.