Check out SparkPeople Get a Free Online Diet

Share the Spark!

Site Meter

Friday, June 17, 2005

blue funk

I am again in a blue funk.

My husband is out of jail as of wednesday and my son prefers to spend time with him.

Charlie has been home from TX since friday last week... not quite 7 days, and in that time he has spend only 3 nights at my house, the rest with Grandma and his father.

I don't really begrudge his wanting to see Dad after such a long time, but he had not seen me for pretty much the same amount of time and yet he is so quick to go away from me. I know that we do not have much in common and I love him very much, but he certainly prefers to spend his free time with Dad.

I know that I am going to have to come to grips with this fact of life. However, his dad is such a bad influence on him. If Charlie wants to live with Dad instead of me, how much more will he not like me if I do not allow it, or go to a judge and request custody, with very little visitation, with conditions???

So I am muddling away.. away.. away. Dealing with it like I deal with a lot of things, by ignoring it and hoping it will GO AWAY.

In His Loving Arms....

Thursday, June 09, 2005

the thinks we remember...

I talked to Charlie last night to wish him Happy Birthday. I called at 640pm my time which is two hours earlier than it is in TX where he is. When he got on the phone I said "Almost Happy Birthday" and he laughed and said that it was his birthday all day ...

I told him NO, actually 15 years ago right now this actual minute you still had not been born. You were born at 844pm --and I stressed that it was California time, so he still had 2 hrs to go to OFFICIALLY be 15. Bummer.

He laughed and said he had been wondering what time of day he was born, and for some reason always thought it was morning.

Isn't it strange the thinks we think??

It's also strange the thinks we remember (and yes I am spelling it the way it is)...

When Charlie was born I had already been in the hospital over 24 hrs, on medication to get him to get the hell out of me ! (yeah right) .. he was already almost 2 wks overdue, but as a first baby not really a big concern. I had to have the plug removed for me, water-broken for me, contractions done FOR ME.. get the picture? All this while hooked up to monitors both around my belly and attached to the baby thru my .. well... you know.. so I couldn't even get up and walk around like they promised me I could do.

I had been going thru this for quite a long time and I must admit that the contractions were getting more intense but I still was not dilating like I should have. I asked for pain meds which I really didn't want to take, but couldn't handle it any more, so I was in la-la land when all hell broke loose.

The baby's monitor went ballistic and about 2000 staff members came running into the room (it really seemed like 2000 but probably was about 6), with me getting turned this way and that way and hands here there and everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE, in order to get the baby back to normal. whew it was crazy

Well, long story short I ended up having a C-section anyways and he had a great Apgar score and weight a decent 9.0 lbs.

I also remember I was extremely blessed to have this beautiful baby boy in my life.

in His loving arms...

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

No decision is a decision...

My son, Charlie, turns 15 tomorrow. How the hell did that happen and who gave him permission to do so?? He currently is living with his Uncle Tom in Texas and is due to come home on Friday this week. I have not seen him in almost 6 months. No pictures, nothing. I have been wondering what he looks like, so much can change in such a short time... more facial hair? taller? heavier? longer or shorter hair? It is a very uncertain time right now, not knowing, and that is the least of my worries.

Will he or I have changed more than just physically. Will we get along more than we did before he left? Will we finally make a connection? Will he still try to push the limits? (of course he will ;0) silly me

What will he think has changed with me?

I don't have the house "ready" for him. Actually it is not much different than when he left except that I have moved my bed into his room, and his bed is in pieces down in the living room. I feel like I am in a holding pattern, waiting, waiting, waiting... I don't want to change anything in preparation of his arrival because what if it is not right? I am going to just wait until he gets here and have him help me with it.

Sometimes making no decision is a decision, and I am going to stick with my decision to do nothing!

in His loving arms...

Monday, June 06, 2005

Ephesians 4:30

I found the following from another Blog....

and felt moved by it to put on my Blog today.

"Don't grieve God. Don't break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted." -Ephesians 4:30
(moving, breathing, most intimate, making, fit for himself...don't break his heart)

Depression is Depressing

Depression is very depressing. Now isn't that profound???

It is a wicked cycle. When I am down I don't want to get up.. literally. I want to sleep the day away, then have trouble sleeping all night. I know that sleeping as much as I do is not a good thing, but when I can't keep my eye-lids open what else is there to do??? The past couple weeks have been DOWN for me. I haven't wanted to do anything but eat, sleep, watch T.V. and work on my cross-stitch. I have not really wanted to be around other people but have forced myself to go to an important meeting, walk in the Relay for Life, and attend church, but not much more. I have even stopped going to the gym, which then makes me even more depressed, and FATTER.

But I know that this too shall pass, like a gall-stone: in time and after some pain!!

Anyways, enough complaining for now.

As always,
In His Loving Arms...