Car Woes

Well, once again I am sitting at work for a while, while not working. I took the day as a vacation day, but still have to come to town to drop Charlie off at school. His dad and grandma will be picking him up from school, so at least I don't have to worry about that.

It is a good thing too, because after I dropped him off and arranged to have the day off, I had to take my car to the shop. My brother and I did an oil change, air filter change and tune up a couple weeks or so ago, and since then I have been smelling gasoline every time I come to a stop. The fumes are getting worse.

It sucks royally to have to take the car in. I really have never had to do that because my soon-to-be-ex (stbx) works on cars for a living (when working anyways) and has always been my mechanic. On days like right now, when I need something done which he usually did, I really start to think "maybe thats why I stayed with him for so long"... so I would not have to pay a mechanic an outrageous sum of money to just diagnose what might be the trouble with my car.

So, there are two shops right by work and I went to the one that a few people have told me that they go to. Just for them to diagnose the trbl will cost me $138, and some change. That is not for fixing the darn thing. I am getting nervous just thinking about how much it will actually cost to fix it. Plus I do not trust mechanics, but... sigh.

I asked Sonny (the stbx) to look under the door and let me know what would be causing me to get the fumes. At the time he sort of glanced at the engine, and said "yeah, this type of thing will cause the engine to catch fire" then walked away. Nice.

So, then he later told my son that when the car caught on fire to run away from it as fast as he can, but to go in the direction of the rear of the car, rather than the front. Nice again.

Sigh.

I filled up my gas tank yesterday, and am getting at least 50+ miles less per tank than before. So while the gas was pumping I asked Charlie if he knew any mechanics around that I could ask about the trbl I am having with the car and he said "joe".. Sonny's best friend.... so that won't work.

The last time that I saw Joe he had just called me the C-NT word, not to my face but to my son on the phone, while I was on the phone too... and I went-off on him. Besides I would never have him look at my car because Sonny always said that Joe talks big but would not know how to fix a car correctly anyways.

It's kind of funny too, because just last week Sonny had me take Charlie to the hospital emergency room because Charlie was complaining about being dizzy. Actually I was just the chauffer and payer of the hospital co-payment. Sonny handled everything while we were there, going to talk with the Dr's with Charlie during the exam, etc. He sat in the backseat to and from town and commented on the fumes, and had his window cracked a bit to let in some fresh air. He knows how bad it is, yet still not offering to fix it.

I have talked to a couple of girl-friends and they are shocked. "And, like, you are driving around with HIS SON in the car, does he not care if something happens???" YEP folks, it is like that. It is funny, I do not hate him, I pity him, I pity myself, I pity our son mostly for having to deal with his f*ck'd up parents/family... But, Sonny hates me because I turned my back on him after he was arrested. He feels that I think I am Ms. Perfect, and does not seem to want to understand that I have stood by him for 20 years. I have been there for him during his addictions: pot, speed, alcohol. I have been there supporting him during the years he did not work because of the addictions. I have supported him being at home raising Charlie for years while I worked to support our family. Yet, I am selfish during HIS time of need. After he F*CK'd up royally. I AM THE SELFISH ONE!!... Yet, I still tend to let people know that he is a good father to Charlie. And, he is a good father as mis-guided as his life has been, he loves his son with all his heart.

But, he still will not offer to fix my damn car himself!!

That's why I pray. I pray for him to come to terms with his life, and the choices he has made. I pray for Charlie to choose a life on a path that has been sown with Good Seeds: faith, love, compassion, trust. I pray for myself, to be honest with myself, to live with compassion that is hard to find sometimes, to have patience and faith that things turn out ok.

That's why I remain forever IN HIS LOVING ARMS....

Peace be with us all in this time before the Holidays. They can be turbulent times.