One Word, Survey Says!

TYPE ONLY 1 WORD... IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? JULES!
3. Your job? steady
4. Shoes you're wearing? comfy
5. Your father? alive!
6. Your favorite thing? reading
7. Your dream last night? dunno
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? security
10. The room you're in? cold
11. Your fear? pain
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? employed
13. Where were you last night? chair
14. What you're not? happy
15. Muffins? yumm
16. One of your wish list items? happy
17. Where did you grow up? sacramento
18. The last thing you did? this
19. What are you wearing? clothing
20. Your TV? occassionally
21. Your pet? JULES!
22. Your computer? dead
23. Your life? stressed
24. Your mood? depressed
25. Missing someone? yep
26. Your car? nonexistent
27. Something you're not wearing? make-up
28. Favorite Store? michaels
29. Your summer? hot-hot-hot
30. Your favorite color? green
31. Last time you laughed? yesterday
32. Last time you cried? yesterday
33. Who will/would re-post this? unknown

34. FOUR PLACES I GO OVER AND OVER: AGAIN TYPE ONLY ONE WORD:
A) Panera!
B) Michaels!
C) bed
D) fridge

35. FOUR PEOPLE WHO E-MAIL ME:

A) Sharon
B) Melodie
C) Jamie
D) Nexflix!

36. FOUR OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:

A) Chinese
B) Pizza
C) Panera
D) mexican

37. FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW?

A) home
B) bed
C) retreat
D) Disneyland

"People on the bus go blah blah blah, blah blah blah"

I am getting very tired of riding the bus. It is not the bus ride, nor the amount of time it takes to get from point A to point B.

I am having trouble dealing with the people who are:
a) inconsiderate,
b) rude,
c) vile,
d) obnoxious,
e) smelly,
f) drunk,
g) loud,
.....and/or.....
h) all of the above.



Yesterday I got a contact high from the youngsters at the back of the bus. I got to hear about the friend of the wife of one man, who is institutionalized because of her psychotic behavior. I got to hear EMINEM blasting from a young man's ear-drum busting headphones. And I can handle EMINEM, I just feel there is a time and place for everything and on a busy bus is not that time/place.


But, on Saturday was the SMILING, racist bigot. This woman was smiling as she spouted her hatred to everyone on the bus, peppering her dialogue with "Biblical" quotes. I quoted the word Biblical because they were clearly her own interpretation of the Bible.


When I first got on the bus I went to the first available seat, which happened to be just behind this woman. She was turned in her seat and talking to a man across the aisle. I thought they may be friends. She was asking him about the ring that he was wearing and he told her that his girlfriend bought it for him for Christmas. She said it was a beautiful thing, and told him that in the Bible the women are always the one who bought jewels for their men, so it was nice to see that tradition continuing.

Then this Asian woman got up and went to the back doors of the bus, getting ready to get off at the next stop. The racist started commenting on "oh that's a nice coat you have on honey, so glad that we could buy that for you.. what happened to the car that we gave you dear? oh.. well, sayonara dear, yeah bye bye"...

The Asian woman turned around like "are you talking to me".... confused look on her face, she looked at me and I just shook my head like "let it go, she is CRAZY" ... then she got off the bus.

The racist woman turned and was talking to no one in particular "yeah we let them come into this country with amnesty... they are rapists, killers, sodomites, adulterers... we let them in and expunge their records, give them everything and we let them go on do commit more rapes, more murders... take our jobs and our money.... "

Everyone was silent. Even me. I had a hard time not saying any thing but didn't want to feed into her ranting. The strange thing is that while she was spouting all this vileness she was smiling the whole time. She glanced around to see if she was getting any reactions and her eyes met mine. I just stared into her eyes, mine were silently daring her to say something directly to me.

I was getting off the bus at the next exit anyways. I was waiting for the barbs to come my way but she was silent as I exited. I guess I am white enough for her. I want to think that the woman has a mental issue, rather than just being naturally horrid on purpose.

Because we are all
In Jesus Loving Arms...

Keeping it Real Christmas

I am trying to “keep it real” this Christmas. I mean: I am trying to limit myself and keep to a budget. I don’t use credit cards anymore. I am trying to buy gifts only for my immediate family. My dad, Charlie, my brother and his girlfriend, and my step-mom; these are the people shopped for (online to boot). I bought all but my step-mom the same thing. Electric throws. From Wal-Mart. Delivered with their “site to store” option and I just picked them up.

These are a necessity for my dad, brother and girlfriend… as they live in the country where the fog sets in, their homes don’t heat properly, and it costs way too much to heat even if it did. So these are actually GOOD gifts that I hope will get put to use.

Of course I thought the same thing about the electric teapot that I bought for Dad last year, only to find he never uses it. He likes using the old copper teapot on the stove top.

Oh well, can’t win them all.

For Charlie I am buying a couple of other things. One “gift” was registration costs for the Winter Young Adult retreat that he wants to go to. That’s a little more than $100. I also got him a couple other things that I am not listing as he may actually read this. He knows about the items that I have listed.

I actually went to the store yesterday to try and find something, anything, so that I could give more to Charlie.

I don’t know what to get my step-mom. She is in her 70’s and has “everything” she could want or need. So, her gifts are a little standard. Someone at work was selling homemade soap, so go her that. I am going to go thru my stash of handmade crochet items to see if there is anything in there that she may like.

My trouble is that I WANT TO BUY MORE. More, more, more. The advertising says “buy this” … “buy that” …

I want to buy something for my pastor, my choir director, the church accompanist, my supervisor, my former supervisors, and friends at work. I have given or will be giving small handmade items to some of them, but I feel like it is not enough, or is inadequate for some reason. I want to give pricey objects, but those objects would not mean much anyways, so why do I want to???

ARGH and Merry Christmas to All…

In His Loving Arms…

Einstein quote

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is.- Albert Einstein, physicist

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

It’s s a nice simple word. Why is it so difficult to achieve these days? I know there have been rebels throughout history. But really people, when you are in public, just show a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

There was an “incident” on Sunday afternoon. Charlie and I were on the way home from church. We had taken the first leg of our journey… the light-rail from 39th street to 29th street. There we have to transfer to a bus that will take us the next leg, then to another home…

We get to the light-rail station and rush to the bus stop a few yards away because the bus is at the light just before the stop already, and if we don’t hurry we will miss it and have to wait.

There was already a group of four young adults waiting for the bus. Being obnoxious, loud and generally normal. I would have been able to ignore them for the most part except….

The bus pulled up and one of the “kids” said something about the bus driver being a dyke. He said it loudly enough that the driver was able to hear it thru the door of the bus while it was closed. She was angry at the tone/manner in which the disrespect was delivered and so commented on it. “I heard what you said and I just want you to know that I don’t appreciate it. Yeah, you… “ She was getting off the bus, and the relief driver was getting on at this time, so she was pretty much face to face with the group of teens. She continued “I would not let you on my bus and I am going to remember your face and in the future you will not be allowed on my bus.” She then turned and left.

The kids were loudly taunting her as she walked away. The male bus driver who was waiting inside the bus, of course did not say anything. No one on the packed bus said anything. The kids walked to the back of the bus, full of bravado. Still talking about that “dyke bus driver” and how she needs to “get a REAL job”… etc. A man who got to the bus stop after the original incident said “man, that last bus driver got off the bus yelling at the kids..”

I turned to him and said “yeah because they called her a dyke as she was pulling the bus to the stop.” He said “oh, I see, well…”

The kids were still loud and obnoxious in the back of the bus. I got fed up. Why is no one telling these kids that they were in the wrong. Why are they now holding the entire bus hostage with their hate and vileness? Even the bus driver was trying to ignore them.

I turned in my seat and said “Can you guys just shut up. There is an entire bus full of people and we don’t want to listen to your attitude.” One of the girls said “shut up lady or I am gonna have my mom come and beat you back to Oregon… hahahaha” The others laughed also. I responded “You guys just need to shut the heck up. (I wanted to say a word other than HECK! but held back) You are 4 children… and you are acting like children and you just need to SHUT UP.”

The girl whose mom was gonna beat me piped up “I am not a child. I am grown.” Another one of the four said “we just out trying to have good day.”

* I guess having a good day is being successful in RUINING other peoples days???? *

About this time a man sitting in front of the kids, held his hand up in the universal “stop” motion (towards me!) and said to me “Lady, sit down… I will take care of this.” So, I sat and turned around. The kids did shut up after that. Just a burst here and there but I was not able to hear what they were saying, but was feeling the knife stares in the back of my head. BUT THEY WERE QUIET.

Charlie, meanwhile, was sitting there, ready to jump if need be. He was waiting. I texted to him “sorry about that”… then after he read that text and nodded to me I texted him again “well… they did shut up” he nodded again.

I think it is horrible the way kids control situations, because people are afraid of retaliation. I was sitting there on the bus thinking to myself… “damn, I have to get off the bus, at the same time as they will be getting off the bus.. wonder what will happen?” Sure… now I regret my actions. I also possess road rage issues which is one good reason for me to never get a car again.

I texted to Charlie again… “I won’t say anything to them, even if they say something to me, when we get off the bus… I hope!” He nodded again.

So, we get off the bus, and I went to stand by the bus shelter. I kept my back to the kids, but Charlie was watching my back. The kids walked by and didn’t say anything to me, as far as I could tell, either directly or indirectly. They did glance in my direction though. But no further confrontation.

The thing that struck me about the whole situation was this. They, the “kids,” felt that it was okay to say something disrespectful to another person. But, they got all bent out of shape when that person had the audacity to confront THEIR RUDENESS. Listen people… it is not hard. If you are rude to someone, expect them to be rude back. AND also expect others to call you on the carpet for your action. It is something YOUR MOTHER AND/OR FATHER AND/OR grandparents/aunts/uncles SHOULD HAVE DONE ALREADY. Come on people. Get real. Get nice. Get real nice. It is not that hard and will make life much more pleasant all the way around.


Sigh.. Anyways…

I remain always
In HIS loving arms.

No on H8 Rally...

I went to a Californian's Against 8 ralley at the state capitol yesterday afternoon. I went after church, got there around 1245. People were coming from all sides. I started choking up a bit as I approached. I have friends and family who are GLBT, and I was there to support them. I attend a church that I feel is open and affirming. My regional church has gay/lesbian clergy.

At work today I was telling a co-worker that I went to the rally yesterday. She asked what rally, and I told her that it was in opposition of Prop 8 passing. She said "... and that means...."

"It means that I support same sex marriage..."

She gave me "the look." I said "What?... " Her response was "I thought you go to church. You are part of your church's choir even.... " I told her that I do and I am... and that I support gay marriages... and so do many in my church/denomination. She turned back to her computer terminal.

I was upset and needed to talk, so asked my supervisor if I could have some time off the phones. She let me come up and I was able to vent a bit. I felt better... and now I am writing this blog entry and that makes me feel better too....

remember.. we are all

In His Loving Arms...

Please Pay Attention to ME ME ME

We are living in a society that demands recognition, validation, acknowledgement… instantly. If we do not get it we get impatient, upset, hurt. These feelings then can lead to depression, anger, apathy.

This morning at MickyD’s after I placed my order, I stepped to the side to allow the next customer access to the register. No one was in line, and the lady that took my order went to check on the hash browns at the fryer, or something… making sure things were running efficiently.

A young man, probably about 25 or so entered and approached the register. No one was there to greet him. He looked around, didn’t see anyone. He quietly cleared his throat “um hummm.” No one rushed over to greet him. No one said “I will be right with you.” I don’t think anyone noticed he was there, except me.

The lady who assisted me came into view and loudly the young man said “GOOD MORNING” and got her attention. She approached the counter and greeted him.

HE DID NOT KNOW WHAT HE WANTED TO ORDER YET… and made her wait for him to figure it out. But, he wanted that validation, wanted to know that he was seen standing there and that someone was waiting to help him.

Now this is just a small instance, but it makes you wonder about the bigger picture. We hear stories all the time where people are hit or shot because they were not acknowledged, were not respected, in a timely manner. We hear of people committing suicide because they are “invisible” to others.

It is important to feel worthy. It is important to feel needed. It is important to be seen, and heard, and understood.

so true, so true....SIGH

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman

....

Even If She Has to Have Her Sled Dogs Rip It Out of You

Girl on street, arguing with guy: I mean, I really like that Palin. She has a nice smile.
Guy on street: She smiles like that because she wants your soul!

--W Broadway & Warrren

Overheard by: jramon

via Overheard in New York, Oct 13, 2008

Reality/Insanity

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane. - Philip K. Dick

Einstein's Quote of the Day.. thought it was funny.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Mirrors

This past weekend I attended my regional women's fall retreat at Mission Springs in Scott's Valley. Beautiful place, beautiful people, beautiful program. You get the picture. What I came away from the retreat with was the fact that we all are confronted with MIRRORS in our life. Those stereotypes, preconceived notions that others have about us; that we have about ourselves because of them.

In my small group discussion we had a question asking what mirrors we have had in our lives that have shaped us. My first thought was that I have always had to be strong for the rest of my family, because my mother died when I was 5. I had to be the good little girl, strong for her family, helping with her brother. I remember soon after my mom's death, a very clear memory, of my dad crying, me in his lap. I don't recall what words were said at the time, but in my mind I think that I felt I had to be strong for dad, to help him through the rough times. I had to help be a mother to my brother, rather than be a sister. I don't believe anything was actually SAID, but maybe IMPLIED. If not, I took it upon myself anyways.

One of the hardest part of being at retreat is MY inferiority complex. I don't have a strong sense of self; and I didn't have Ginger along this year to help support me and be there for me when I was feeling lonely. I really almost didn't sign up to go because of that. I was thinking to myself "Why should I go? I don't know anyone there. I won't have anyone to talk with. I don't want to just sit around by myself, I can do that at home.

Then Pastor Ted asked if I was going, if I needed help with money to go, or a ride. So, I turned in my registration. Then I asked Sheila for a ride. (That was hard, I have real trouble asking... for anything.) I later found out I would be riding with 5 other women, not just 1. What a wonderful thing. After 2 years attending and being a member of my current church, I will be able to learn a little more about them, and they will learn about me. Maybe become friends!... What an idea!

The real validation for going to retreat was that when I did get there women came up to me and hugged me and said "It's good to see you again." Some of these ladies I see maybe one or two times a year. I may not remember all their names, but faces were familiar. They were friends.

I had forgotten, while I was in my pity party about "no friend, no one knows me, I will be alone," that while I do not keep in constant contact with people, I still do have friends at retreat. People who served on council with me over the past 10-12 years. People who know me from when I sat at the "book store" and sold books. Ladies who I have shared with at other small group discussions, or over breakfast/lunch/dinner. Women who I have talked with about knitting/crochet/stitching. They may not be fast friends, best friends, but they ARE friends.

In talking with some of them, I found out that many also had thought NOT to come to retreat. They also had to talk themselves into going, and were also happy to have been there. Whew. It is not just me... I am not alone. There are others out there with doubts, even when they project such strength, that I would never have thought they had issues. I forgot that we are all human, we all have issues, we have strength and weakness, that we have love, hate and sadness in our lives. We all have mirrors. It is what we do with those reflections that form our lives.

And, of course, I remain always...

In His Loving Arms

Bus Quote

"Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night."

-Glade Byron Addams

Great Quote

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."

-Oprah Winfrey

and I will add to that... "or will give you a ride instead of passing you by at the bus stop."

the elusive sleep factor

i have been having trouble sleeping .... again... still... always... i have been trying really hard to not sleep during the day and have met with some success... but still having trouble getting to sleep at night... i lay there for hours and finally fall asleep sometime around 2am or 3am... and have to wake up by 615am... i am exhausted

July 3, 1972

July 3, 1972.

36 years ago.

I was 5, my brother was 2.

There were 5 of us in the car. My parents, my cousin Susie, and me. This was in the day where you did not have to have your children strapped into car seats, so my brother was riding in my mom’s lap. My cousin and I were sleeping in the backseat; I don’t believe we had seatbelts on, it was not a requirement in ’72.

The road we were traveling on was the 2 lane highway outside of Vallejo, traveling towards Vallejo, on our way home to Sacramento. Both sides of the road has water canals on them.

I have sketchy memories of that night. I know I was sleeping. It was dark. The next memory is one of me waking up, water around me. It was cold, dark water. I remember hearing my father speak to me. I don’t remember the exact words, or the tone he was using. I remember that I was scared, not knowing what was happening. Panic. Soon someone pulled me thru the window of the car and took me to the shore.

It turns out the car was run off the road by someone who was trying to pass us. The other driver did not have enough room, the oncoming car was close, and the driver cut back into our lane, driving us off the road and into the water. The driver was drunk, on a suspended license because of previous drunk driving issues.

Our car ended up, upside-down, in the canal. 5 of us were trapped in the car. I don’t know the depth of the water. I do know that the water was dirty and cold, and came in the car quite fast. It tasted salty. I don’t remember if the windows were already open, or if my dad had to open the windows in order to help get us out of the car.

People who saw the accident stopped along the road and jumped in to save us. We all were able to get out, with one exception. My mom. She was wearing her seatbelt and they were not able to get it off in time. She drowned that night in that cold, nasty water.

I remember after I was pulled out to safety, sitting on the bank of the canal. Sitting with a stranger with a blanket or shirt or sweater – something dry and warm – wrapped around me. I remember the sounds of emergency vehicles arriving, people shouting, lights flashing. Panic. Chaos.

I don’t remember the ride to the hospital, but I do remember getting a warm bath, in a hospital bathtub by a nurse or orderly. I remember my hospital bed, which had the sides lifted in order to keep me in the bed. I remember climbing out of the bed in order to go to the bathroom and getting scolded by a nurse. I vaguely remember hearing my brother. I think.

I remember my dad coming in and getting me. We walked down the hall way of the hospital and he told me my mom was dead. I don’t remember if I cried. I believe Dad was crying.

In just a few seconds, that drunk driver had ruined our lives. Changed it forever. I was a motherless daughter. My dad was shattered. My brother was so young he has no memories of our mom at all. It changed our lives. Never would I be able to talk to my mom about boys. She would not be there to guide me nor my brother through all those hurdles of life, big or small.

My mom was another statistic. Drunk driving fatality. But we all were killed that day. Not physically, but spiritually, emotionally, mentally. We all died. The lives that came out of that car were not the same ones that entered it, just a couple hours before.

So, now, every year around the first of July, I tend to start thinking about the upcoming holiday. It is not usually a happy day for me. Our family can usually get thru the day well enough, BBQ, play badminton, other games, talk, laugh. But, I know that for me the thought is in the back of my mind, that we are missing a vital piece of our family.

I ask that you all enjoy the holiday, safe and sane and sober. If you do choose to drink and drive, please make sure that you have a back up plan. Have someone drive you home. Sleep on the floor or couch where you are at. Please do not get in the car, and sit behind the wheel, and drive down the road. You could horribly change lives if you drink and drive.

In His Loving Arms…

Nostalgia

I was thinking last night about the power of nostalgia. I was listening to the radio and the station I listen to most of the time (only because it is the only station I can get clearly) is the Eagle, which is "classic rock."

It is amazing how much particular songs bring back to our minds, isn't it? The memories a song can invoke.

One of the commercials that played was an announcement for KISS. This got me thinking about my best friend in junior high, Jamie, and her brother who was a KISS fan. I started wondering how their family is doing. I have not kept in touch with Jamie, though I do have her email and we both send junk email back and forth every once in a while. It also brought to mind how at the jr. high school dances I was the unofficial "disco queen." Gosh, I was SUCH A GEEK. I still like disco.

Not a Baby Anymore

Well, Charlie is not a baby anymore... At least age-wise.

He is 18 now. Yesterday was his birthday. I think this was harder for me to handle than when I turned 40. He is not ready to be an "adult" even though he thinks he is.

For the weekend he went on a Men's Spiritual Challenge with a group of men from church. There were about 13 men (two in their teens) and they had a really good time. Charlie came back really excited about his time away.

They went white water rafting, and rock climbing. They camped out overnight and he helped with breakfast. He was exhausted and sunburned.

I worried the whole time he was gone. I kept imagining him falling: into the river, off the rock wall, on a hiking trail. I worried for no reason, other than that I could. He was fine and thrived.

He was protected and...

In His Loving Arms

Work Re-location

Well, it has happened.

After 12 years in this building, they are moving us to a new location.

The building we are in was previously owned by the company that I work for. It was bought by a church a few years ago and we have since been leasing the space. The company that I work for has many buildings around the area and some of those spaces are sitting empty. So, it was logical to stop leasing the current space and move to a less expensive, company owned building.

It is going to be strange to go to a new place to work. Not only have I worked in this one building for 12 years, I had previously worked for an additional 4 years just down the street. I am very familiar and comfortable with the area. The bus system is fairly kind to me here. It will not be so kind at the new location.

The distance as the crows fly is not bad. However, being car-less it is a different situation with the regional transit system of this burg. I will have to take a bus from my apartments, get off at a light rail station. There I will board the train and go a couple stops up the road, and switch to another bus which will drop me off near the new job site.

The one way commute is about 1 hr long. I haven't even begun to figure out the return home route, but it will probably take about the same time.

The morning commute will start my day a full 35 minutes earlier than my current situation and gives me only a 10 minute leeway arriving to the last busy stop. I don't know how long it will take to walk to the building, but I am guessing it will take a couple minutes. I can only pray that I do not have days with delays.

I had been thinking of moving sometime towards the end of summer. My lease is up in November and I definitely do not want to renew it. They raised my rent last November $60/month and I am barely scraping by. I was hoping to move to the downtown/Grid area but now am going to focus more to the Carmichael/Arden/Fair Oaks area. I hope the rent prices are reasonable. If I am lucky I can get a location which has an easy commute. Maybe even bike ride distance again?!?

Yeah, I know, I haven't thought of the bike in a long while but have been thinking about it again, especially with the move coming up.

But, I have faith that all things work out for the best.

As always, in His Loving Arms

Quote

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-Bonnie Jean Wasmund

10 Favorite Movies meme

10 Favorite Movies meme

list my top ten favorite movies.... no particular order:

Breakfast Club
Dirty Dancing
Gone with the Wind
Beauty and the Beast (Disney version)
E.T.
Close Encounters
Star Wars
Tortilla Soup
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Forrest Gump

Rest-less

Last night I had about 4 hours of sleep. I did not nap during the day, and I was tired. When I did put down my video game and decide it was time to sleep, I lay there for at least an hour. I tossed and turned, laying first on my right side, then my left. Bunching up the pillow, pillow flat, arm out to the side, arm close to my side. Nothing worked. I don’t remember what thoughts were going through my head either, although I do know they were there.

Finally I fell asleep. Then around 4:30am I woke up. I don’t know what triggered it, just that I was awake. About 5 or 10 minutes later I heard someone get in their car, start up and leave. My thought at that point was “gosh I am glad I don’t have to be at work at this ungodly hour.” I turned over and tried to sleep again.

The cat heard the person outside and took that time to climb up in the window. His tail made “swish swish” sounds as he twitched while looking out. A bird started singing. Well, actually it was not singing to me. Just NOISE. Another bird started in. The day was dawning, and I was not ready for it. I didn’t hear the mockingbird this morning, just two other birds with their common voices raised in song, welcoming the day.

I finally fell asleep again, I don’t know what time it was. The next sound I heard was my alarm clock waking me up again. It was 6:27am. The alarm is programmed to start beeping at 6:05am. I must have turned it off a few times before it pried into my mind and made me get up.

Rummage Sale

I helped out at my church's rummage sale this past Saturday. We, Charlie and I, were encouraged to be there, as the proceeds will help with summer camp scholarship and this is Charlie's last summer. We got up and left the house around 7am to get the 714am bus downtown. Then we took light rail to 39th street, then walked the few blocks to the church. We stopped at Starbucks on the between the bus and train to get fuel.

It was a beautiful day, too prety to be inside, but the doors were open to let in the day.

When we walked in there was a huge crowd of the early morning shoppers. Or so I thought. Most of the people, once I started glancing around, were actually church members there to help. They were all out of their Sunday clothes, hair pulled back, sneakers on, no make up! It was nice. There were some shoppers there too. I mostly spent the first hour or so wandering around looking to see what there was that I should NOT buy. There were some cool vinyl records (i have no player) that Charlie and I laughed about. There were some great VHS tapes, I don't have a VHS player any more. And there was a lot of electronics, speakers and raidos, that caught Charlie's attention.

Vickie was there and she is a great sales person. She walked among the people exclaiming over what they were looking at, asking if they needed a bag for their items. A couple ladies were guarding the door, making sure no one left without paying. Mostly the rest of us just walked amonst the shoppers and rearranged things on the tables. Charlie was my shadow.

Charlie was the only teen boy there and he got to help people out to their cars with larger items. He walked Virginia across the road with her purchases. She lives right across the street, uses a walker and moves about 2 yards a minute. Poor thing, but she is always at church and functions at church, and is a sweetheart. Charlie walked nice and slow with her and they talked all the way there. Charlie is really good with old people.

When I got bored, I took out my cross stitch and worked on it a little. I sat outside the door and greeted people with "Hi, Good Morning!" and as they left "Have a Great Day!" A couple of the other women who are about my age sat with me and we talked about crafts and other stuff. It was nice to talk with these ladies. I have not talked with them before, other than "HI". I came away feeling like I may be on the way to possible friendships, finally. I have been at this church over a year now. It was nice.

Around 2pm, we all helped clean up, boxing the left over items for charity and cleaning the room. We set up the fellowship hall for church the next day. A couple people swept the floors. The tween girls cleaned the kitchen. Pastor Ted counted the money. It was a very good day, money-wise. $1140 made for church camp scholarship!!

Afterwards, instead of walking to the train Charlie and I got a ride from Ted and Vicki. I asked them if they could take me to Ikea. They did. Charliel and I had dinner at Ikea, and he made me walk out without even looking at anything. Pat myself on the back for that because I can get caught up in the Ikea experience. We took the bus home.

It was a very long day, getting home finally a little after 6:30pm. Charlie and I both took showers and went to bed. He wanted me to wake him up around 8pm. I didn't. He slept thru his alarm going off and I figured he needed to sleep. I played my PSP for a while and fell asleep around 930pm.

It was a really great Saturday.

In His Loving Arms...

Update

Well, the "diet" is history. It lasted longer than most and less than is necessary. I am still watching what I am eating, though it has levelled out. The weight loss plateau'd and I stuck at 242. I am still there even after a couple weeks of not "dieting"... so that is a good thing.

Idol happiness: Kristy Lee got the boot. I really thought Carly would be going this week but she has stuck it thru. I hope that she sings "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" ... is that an Andrew Lloyd-Webber ?? If not oh, well.

My vote for the next Idol would have to be David Cook. He is a natural, even though his head is unnaturally shaped. He said it first, and it made me notice. David Archuletta is good but a little too stiff, and a little too young. I think he will be a star but not the next Idol winner.

Charlie update: he is failing his senior year in high school. I think he will have to repeat or go to summer school to finish up. Out of 6 classes currently he has F's in 3 of them, and is not passing his senior project, which was suppose to be presented.... Yesterday! sigh ... oh well, things will work out, one way or the other.

as always,
In His Loving Arms

Idol Comment 2

How is Kristy Lee staying in the race??

She is HORRIBLE and has not had a good performance in weeks, yet continues to hang on.

Amanda was ripped off.

I feel sorry for the people who will buy tickets to see Idol 7 top 10 in "concert".... they will have to sit through listening to Kristy Lee instead of Amanda. What a shame.

Weight Update

Just a quick update.

Total lbs lost so far: 14
Percentage of amount hoped to lose: 25%

Still to go: 41

It is a long shot but I am hoping the odds are good.

Idol Comment

I just have to say this because it is really getting on my nerves. I like watching American Idol and seeing what the contestants sing and predicting who will stay and go. I don’t like the “banter” between the judges, especially concerning Simon Cowell. The eye-rolling by Paula and Simon both needs to stop. They are rude to each other, and most of the time without cause. Then there is Ryan Seacrest. I think his time should come to an end. He is too full of himself. I could not believe that last night he told Cowell that “when you are host” then you can talk, or something along those lines. I was under the impression that Cowell is a co-creator of the show and had a little something to do with the hiring of Seacrest in the first place??!!?? Am I wrong? Ryan is just feeding a fire that has enough fuel already, and I know he is doing it to promote ratings, which also do not need feeding. It is almost, almost, to the point where I just don’t want to watch, because I cringe every time they open their mouths. Not the contestants, although I cringe at them sometimes too.

Happy Pill

I had a customer today who gave me the best compliment. Probably the nicest thing anyone has said in a long while. It was about the 2nd to last call of the day, and when I was done talking with the customer he said "What is it with you people... " I thought for sure that he was going to make a complaint about something or another. Then he continues "... do you all take happy pills? I have had wonderful customer service with everyone I have talked to about my service. That is such a nice thing these days."

I started laughing in pleasure. I told him that was the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time, and that I was very happy to help him. It sure made my day!

In His loving arms.

Week 3 and counting...

i had this written and it did not save! i am not going to do it again

i am sticking to it, that's all

2 Weeks

2 Weeks since the start of my new eating habits.
I have lost a total, as of this morning... drum roll please... 13 lbs.
I have gone from 255 to 242.
My goal is 200.
I have done the math and I am at the 24% mark.

I even ate out at Spaghetti Factory on Friday, and did not have any bread. I had soup and Caesar salad with chicken. In the minestrone they put some potato and macaroni. I picked all those out. I did eat the few croutons from the salad.

Yesterday before church, Charlie and I went to Denny's. All their breakfast items include hash browns and pancakes. I got an omelet and had them leave both starches off my plate. I loaded the omelet with ham, bacon, and sausage. Not the most lean omelet but very high in protein. I even ate the eggs that Charlie picked off his Moons Over My Hammy sandwich.

I now have to add exercise which of course is the hardest of all. But, I figure, I have gone this far eating properly, I think I can add at least 2 days a week of exercise to start, then build up.

On nice Sunday's I will walk after church. If it is rainy I will have to find something else to do. I bought a bunch of work out DVD's when I moved into the apartment over a year ago, so maybe I will break those out. Or, maybe talk Charlie into going to the apartment gym once in a while. He went last night after doing his laundry, and spent about 20 minutes. I am going to try working my way up, starting slow, because I know if I try to go gung-ho I will burn out quicker.

In His Loving Arms

the I have not's and the I have's

I have been feeling really good about losing the 11 lbs in the first week of my “not a diet but a change in eating habits” thing. Everyone keeps reminding me that “it is probably just water weight” or something along that line. I know that the weight loss will not be that way every week, and probably not even close to it, and was reminded of that when I stepped on the scale this morning to see it a couple pounds more than it was on Monday morning!

I think the biggest thing for me is changing my eating habits. I mean, yeah I could stand to lose the weight, and I think I will do so, but in order to do that I HAVE TO CHANGE. I have to change how I think about food. I have to change how much I eat. I have to change what I eat. I have to change where I eat. NOW, WHO MOVED MY DAMN CHEESE!?!

Oh, yeah I can’t have cheese. At least not like I would like to. I did have some on my salad on Sunday, some yummy blue cheese…. yyyyuuuummm... *thinking of cheese* ... Ok, snap back to reality now.

CHANGE IS HARD. Gee, am I or not the first person to say so?? NOT. Ok, so it has been a week and a half. The positives other than the bit of poundage off my frame are these:

1. I have not had Chinese food, not even at church where I may have been “forgiven?!?”
2. I have not had PIZZA… mmmm cheese again.
3. I have not had Mexican food, that’s even been hard because I love going to Cilantro’s downtown and having a tostada with carnitas.
4. I have not had any candy. When I feel like breaking down and breaking open the bag of Kisses in the cabinet, I have settled for sugar-free gum. I even have it sitting just on the counter in the kitchen, right under that blasted cabinet with the Kisses.
5. I have not had any sugar, neither in my tea nor coffee. I have been sweetening my tea with Splenda, and my coffee with either Splenda or sugar-free flavored syrup.
6. I have not had any bread, tortillas, pasta, rice, or potatoes of any kind.
7. I have not had dairy (which I am allergic to by the way) meaning no ICE CREAM, no cream in my coffee, no yogurt, no cheese (other than the aforementioned).
8. I have had no cookies, crackers or chips.
   
   And also these other positives:
   
   
9. I have reintroduced myself to vegetables, with little or no butter/mayonnaise/dressing added.
10. I have started cooking at home. I was previously eating out at least 3-4 times a week. More if you count breakfast from the roach-coach each morning.
11. I have started eating fruit again. It is actually quite tasty. Blueberries frozen and straight from the bag, these are awesome, even if it turns my teeth purple.
12. I have learned that frozen pineapple and its juice is even better than just from the can.
13. I have been CLEANING my kitchen, learning that if I have to cook, then it has to be clean, or at least the dishes do.
14. I have started an avocado plant with a pit from one of my yummy avocados.
15. My son now knows that I can cook eggs, scrambled, that taste good.

Wow, I think this is a very impressive list.

*Patting myself on the back.*

Remaining in HIS loving arms…

Weekend Over

I made it thru the weekend, stuck to my diet. I went shopping for more fruits and veggies, even ate out and stuck to it! I walked quite a few blocks downtown after church yesterday, went to a new yarn shop. Looked at the fountain in front of the state capitol building, saw a guy who brought his 3 bunny rabbits to the capitol park to nibble on grass. It was a very nice Sunday!

I avoided the Chinese food that was served at church during fellowship hour.

My lunch was at the Hard Rock Sacramento, and I had a Citrus Grilled Chicken Salad, very yummy!

The scale this morning shows a total of 11 lbs less than it did last week at the same time!!!!

Needless to say: I am very happy with my progress.

WILL-POWER, WILL-POWER, WILL-POWER.

I have to stick to it

IN HIS LOVING ARMS

Diet Day 5...

OK… I have made it this far. Now the really tough part – THE WEEKEND. I am really going to have to be strong to make it thru the weekend. A lot of time on my hands, time to think and eat.

I have to admit: I have not exercised at all this week, in place of exercise I have gone to sleep to avoid eating, no change there! But, I avoided the chocolate and Chinese and Pizza for 5 whole days!

Total weight loss in the 5 days is 8 pounds though, so that gives me incentive to stick with it…. I hope! I am going to try to talk myself into walking when I feel like eating, just to get out of the house, and I have to get active anyways so that will be a start. It is a lot easier going back to bed and sleeping, rather than going outside and walking, no matter how beautiful the day may be.

I have a couple of brag moment to talk about. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I didn’t eat any of the candy that came across my desk. I kept it, but put it in the drawer for a later time, maybe when I lose some more weight. Or will end up throwing it away or giving to someone else.

The other thing that happened yesterday is that one of the supervisors brought in Valentine’s Day cookies. The really rich yummy ones from the store. Towards the end of the day someone walked around from person to person handing them out and I reached in and grabbed one, without even thinking. They smelled soooooo gooooood. There the cookie was, in my hand, and starting towards my face, when I remembered. I said outloud “OH, CRAP… what am I doing? I can’t have this.” Then I got rid of it quickly to another associate who was passing by.

I treated myself last night to half a cup of International Flavored Coffee, and I only put 2 small scoops in the cup, instead of the normal 4-5 heaping scoops.

I am feeling really proud that I have gone the 5 days. A co-worker said she can tell that I have lost some weight. Another added benefit, my skin breakouts are a lot less this week.

The song “Onward Christian Soldier” just popped in my head, as I was thinking about having will power for over the weekend.

Dieting...

I started a new diet on Monday. I have only tried real, planned, diets a couple of times before, because I do not like to plan things out. Traditionally, I have just tried to eat less, or eat out less, or exercise more … but nothing really thought out.

I got the diet from Health magazine and it seems pretty easy to follow, so far. The diet claims that you NEVER feel hungry. It suggests not eating dairy, grain or soy products, or eating very limited amounts. I am suppose to have at least 10 ounces of water with each meal.

I have to admit I am craving ice cream and candy. It is hard to not miss my favorite foods: Chinese and Pizza. Actually I have eaten more food in the past 2 days than I usually eat in one day, it is just very different type of food, and it is through out the day.

This diet is heavy on fruits and vegetables, with protein at every meal too.

I am feeling a little cranky and hungry, even though I am not really hungry. I believe it is just sugar withdrawals. I really wanted to eat some candy last night, I have bags of Kisses in the kitchen, but I had some will power and didn’t. Instead I fixed myself a cup of mint tea and used Splenda in it for the sweetness.

This is what my diet has looked like so far:

Monday breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg, ½ cup blueberries, 1 banana
Monday break: 1 large orange
Monday lunch: lettuce wraps with turkey breast (abt 3 oz), ½ avocado, 1 roma tomatoe, mustard
Monday afternoon break: 1 apple with 2 tablespoons natural peanut butter
Monday dinner: 4oz of steak, pan seared with Hoisin sauce, cooked in olive and sesame oil, 1 cup brussel sprouts
Monday evening snack: 1 cup of grapes

Tuesday (I didn’t go to work and slept til almost noon): 2 scrambled eggs, 2 lean turkey sausage patties, ½ avocado, 1 roma tomato, salsa and a smidge of sour cream
Tuesday dinner: leftovers: steak and brussel sprouts
Tuesday evening snack: grapes and 2 tablespoons peanut butter

Wednesday breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg, 1 cup blueberries, ½ cup peaches
Wednesday break: orange
Wednesday lunch: 4 oz tuna fish, with 1 hard boiled egg, 2 tomatos, 3 celery stalks
Wednesday afternoon break: ½ cup baby carrots, 2 tablespoons peanut butter

I don’t know what I am going to have for dinner yet, probably chicken salad.

The diet also comes with a 20-25 minute workout, which I have not brought myself to do yet. But think I may start that this afternoon, as well as going to the gym at the apartment to do some treadmill or elliptical machine for a little bit. I am going to start slow on the exercise, because I really HATE it.

Slip Sliding, Again...

I am on a slippery slope, on the downhill side of it, depression-wise anyways.

Currently, I am at work. I like my job. I like when I have people around me that I can talk with. I don’t like it when they all leave and I am here alone, hearing the conversations of everyone around me. What I really hate is having a supervisor who rarely, rarely, acknowledges me, but seems to talk with everyone else.

There are days that I go without even talking with her. Certainly days when if I do not purposely go and speak with her that I would otherwise not talk with her, or really know that she was here… except that I can hear her voice over all the others.

It really, really bothers me when she sends out a commendation for another associate. It does not bother me that others are noticed for their good work, and when a customer goes out of his/her way to praise someone who helps them they should be singled out and given a “good job” pat on the head.

It bothers me because on two occasions that I know of I have had customers give me a commendation, yet I have received no “good job” pat on the head. This pat usually comes in the form of an email to the entire work group and/or a paper certificate that can be proudly displayed.
I have received neither for these two calls that I busted my hump over.

I am not one to ask the customer to praise me like some of my co-workers. I usually say “thanks, glad I could help” and then that is the end of the conversation. I know others say “thanks, let me get you my supervisor” then transfer the customer or give the supervisors email, etc.

I don’t mean to sound petty, and I know I am. It is not like I have not been acknowledged in other ways at work, but I would like notice to be given to me, based on my customer feedback.

My workplace has awarded me on quite a few occasions for being a hard worker, having pride in my job, handling tough customers, quality of service. It just somehow means more when it is a customer commendation, rather than a supervisor or peer commendation. Well, maybe not more, but it feels different.

It has been noticed by even the center manager that I am excelling at my job; a job that he told me that I was not qualified for, just a little more than 6 months ago.

On another note: my son will turn 18 in June. I am starting to really feel lonely about that, even though he basically does not live with me now. I am starting to feel panic at the thought that he will be “an adult,” he reminded me that he will be able to vote in November for the presidential race. He will have to sign up for the draft. I am worried about his job prospects, school, life beyond high school, money management skills or lack thereof. How is he going to survive out there in the real world; or, is he going to live with mom or dad forever? Or, move out and back in multitudes of times like I have had to do with my dad.

I have been wondering if my dad went through the same feelings that I am feeling. I remember myself at my son’s age and I was so much more mature than he is, but I was still my fathers child, and I am sure he felt some of the things that I feel. Hell, he still feels for me and worries about me. That is a “from the beginning of time” type of bond, parent/child.

Then I am also thinking about “what will happen” … to me when my dad dies and I am left to fend for myself. I have always thought of myself as independent, but I am not. I know that now. If I could just get back one percent of the confidence I had about my life when I was 16, then I would be ok.

In HIS loving arms…

Typing Test

1ST TRY:

61 words

Touch Typing online

2ND TRY:

73 words

free Touch typing

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Stupid

I have never thought of myself as simple, or stupid, but in looking at my life for the past year I have been living quite simply.

I have no car, no home phone, no internet access. My phone is 13 inches diagonal, with no cable, no dish. I have rabbit ear antennae and still get only 2 stations reasonably well, channels 40 and 31. I have a little boom-box that Charlie got for Christmas a few years ago. It can play one CD, and I get only one station in clearly on it.

In order to get places I still am relying on others, whether it is friends, co workers, family, or the Sacramento Regional Transit. For shopping, I usually just pick up what I can comfortably carry home; just a few items each trip. Once in a while I have my dad take me shopping, when I load down the trunk with groceries and paper products, cat supplies, etc.

I have tried to curtail unnecessary spending, mostly because I really don’t have much to spare. Rent takes up 66% of my income (after taxes). Utilities: gas, water, garbage, electric, cell phone take up another 200. SO, I basically have about $200 a month to live on, and it doesn’t take a genius to know that I have to live simply.

Strange Night

I am really feeling crappy today. I had a strange thing happen last night that really shook me up.

I was in bed, trying to go to sleep. I was in the middle ground of being asleep and being awake, and had a form of nightmare that was really disturbing. I had the sensation of something that I would describe as paralysis, could not move, couldn’t raise my arms or swing my legs out of bed, raise myself in any way.

My eyes were open, I think, I was able to see the normal shadows on the wall, my night stand, and items there. My mind felt like it was shaking, I thought I heard chattering voices, very threatening to me. It almost felt like my eyes were twitching back and forth. The thought going thru my mind was that I was having a stroke or heart attack, because I couldn’t move or pull myself out of it. As I am writing this I am thinking “this is just sounding crazy” …

I finally was able to wake up completely and move… then I didn’t want to go back to sleep because I was afraid it would start up again.

In His Loving Arms...

Horror Scopes II

The horoscope that I resisted looking at yesterday reads:

You could be tempted to buy some rather nice or expensive things for yourself
today. But if you've given any thought to changing your spending habits lately,
now would be the perfect time to start. You might want to take the opportunity
to sort through your whole financial picture today.

WELL, I don't want to sort through my WHOLE FINANCIAL PICTURE today.
What if I do want to buy something nice and expensive for myself.
I don't want to change my spending habits.

OH, ok... I guess being broke wouldn't have been the first clue. Right??

Horror Scopes

One of many Horoscopes for me today says:

You could be getting interesting news about some developments on the work front today. And if you've been giving any thought to the subject, it might not be a bad time to think about asking for a raise. Your attention should be primarily focused on your money and personal values today.

Yesterday my fortune cookie told me:

The world will soon be ready to receive your talents.

It all has me wondering “What is going to happen??”

Just a note: the site that has my horoscope has a hyper link that is labeled: Tomorrow’s Horoscope. I really want to click on that but it seems like tempting fate. It would seem like that TV show where the guy gets tomorrow’s paper and tries to stop bad things from happening… BTW I am not going to click on that hyperlink.

Another thought: why are there so many DIFFERENT horoscopes? Shouldn’t they be redundant??

Polite Neighbors

I have some very polite neighbors, or at least if they are not neighbors then I could only hope and wish and pray that they are!!

Can you hear sarcasm in that sentence?? I'm sorry...

California is under a heavy winter storm barrage right now. They have been warning of it for a few days so I wanted to get things in order before having to batten down the hatches. Therefore, with this in mind, last night I wanted to make sure that I cleared the kitty litter box and removed the trash from the apartment.

Because it is a good thing to do I made sure as I left my apartment to lock the door behind me. Oh, also the cat decided that he wanted to brave the great outdoors too, so he whooshed by before the door shut. I let him stay out, which I do often when going out for just a couple minutes. It makes him feel good, but I digress.

I start to go around the corner of the building with my trash in hand and what do I see?? I see the back of a person, his front being facing a bush. The young gentleman was peeing.

I gasped and almost said something, and he turned his head before I had a chance to turn away. He said, very politely "OH, sorry ma'am." I decided to take the trash out a different route.

I say the people are polite because even when they are displaying bad behaviors, they are polite about it. I guess their mamma's taught them well. The guy who almost kicked in my door apologized, and so did the bush-pee'er.

I have to admit though, I am envious. There have been many times that I wish I had the ability to pee in the bushes, and you ladies know that you wish so to.

In his loving arms,