40th Birthday

Sunday I turned 40... this has been a traumatic year for me and I was really NOT happy to be 40... never have I felt so traumatized by a year, and I have always felt people who worry about their age to be, well, truthfully... STUPID. or at least crazy!!~

So, it was with a great deal of trepidation that I approached the dreaded day. Thursday a couple of my co-workers decorated my desk (last year it was done after my birthday) and I was pleased. Friday, two other co-workers gave me gifts... things they had in their desks, re-gifting -- but that they though to give me something almost makes me cry, even while I am writing this tears are forming... one gift was three beautiful bracelets, and the other is a Kings lapel pin...

Friday night Ginger and I went to Girls Night Out at Table of Grace church in Elk Grove and had a great night of fellowship, and meeting new people

Saturday my son fixed my bike so that I can ride it to work if I feel like it, and he had to do it twice because the first time he pumped the tires up too much and one burst. He went to Walmart twice for me... then we went riding in the dark, after he replaced the tube for the 2nd time.

My dad surprised me at church by showing up. We had arranged to go to lunch after church, he said he had to read scripture at Fairview, and I was joing FCC Sacramento. He got to FCC before church to surprise me and spend the day together. We went to Red Lobster and had lunch and he took me to the store to stock up on things that I cant buy/carry from the corner store.

I had a really good Birthday... and the sky did not fall!

In His Loving Arms

Updates

Last night my son's father called him and told him that he had found a place to live that was in town. The place, thankfully, is across town and not in the complex I live in. However now the question is .... will Charlie move in with his father or stay living with me? Charlie really wants to live with dad and I understand that. There are times that I really want him to, but I know his fathers history, and it has not been great. Charlie now is thinking about if he will have to change schools, etc. I did let him know that if he lived with his dad that he can still go to school where he is at, as dad will have to drive that direction to get to work anyways... Don't know if he is happy with this information or not.

Also, last night Charlie and I walked to the corner corner shopping center and had dinner at the Round Table there. We also checked at the grocery store and bike shop for a bike pump. Charlie had a few guys who were hanging around the place say hello to him and give him the "head nod" hello. He did say hello back but then he wanted to be no where around his mom, too embarrassed to be seen in public with MOM! I found it quite amusing.

On another note, after reading my blog about falling one of my friends called me up and asked if I wanted a ride home yesterday. I was grateful. She asked to remain anonymous. She even got off work 30 minutes before I did and waited around til I was off work! So nice.!! Thank you!

My supervisor also lives near me and offered to give me a ride when she was able. This morning she saw me standing at the bus stop and stopped for me. That is a savings of $2.25 each time I don't have to ride the bus! Plus, more importantly, a savings of over 30 minutes bus riding and walking from the stops!

See things work out. And as the song that was playing in the car this morning says Can't give up... Can't give in... I don't have permission from God to quit.

Always reminded that I am

In HIS Loving Arms...

walking is difficult

I fell this morning, walking from the bus stop to work.
I was stepping up on a curb, it was wet, my feet were wet and I mis-stepped a bit short of the actual spot which would have been ok.
My foot slipped off the curb and I went down like a huge tree on my left side. You should have seen me pop back up. I didn't know that I could move that fast on my own!
Now I ache all over... I hate beening physically dysfunctional, and old (40 in 19 days)... yuck!
Other than that, I am doing ok.

Lemons/Lemonade?

I have been trying to make Lemonade from lemons. If you know the saying then you don't need an explanation, however for those who don't know it: When life gives you a lemons, make lemonade = take the bad stuff you have been given and make a happy face, turn things around and make the bad into good.

There are certainly days when I feel like I just cant go on with life. Those are the days that I don't get out of bed, don't get dressed, don't want to go to work or church, certainly don't want to interact with any other people, especially any people who are either happy or sad, doesn't matter... you get my drift? I know that I am not the only one in the world with depression nor am I in this alone.

I luckily have God and I know that God understands and will wait for me on those days, with his arms outstreched, waiting for me to turn to him and let him take my burdens and worries. I just have to get use to holding my hands out, open my clenches fists (and jaw) and unburden myself, giving my troubles to Him.

Now, people are a bit less understanding, don't understand why I have the need to curl up in the fetal position and rock myself to sleep, or lay in bed playing PSP games. I don't have to think about things when I am doing both of these. I can be blessedly unaware of life around me.

I have been moving, and while I know that not many people actually like to move, I really hate it. I have boxes that have not been unpacked in probably 10 years, or have been unpacked and repacked into newer, more sturdy boxes. I think I hate unpacking way more than I do packing. So, after a week of being in my new apartment, I have not done much. I have unpacked what needs to be for the moment, getting by with little rather than a lot. I have been told that when I am ready I will unpack and get organized. I don't really know when I will be ready, but I am sure "they" are right.

Please keep me in your prayers.

I am forever and ever,

In His Loving Arms

Moving on...

Well, I have applied for and been accepted to move into an apartment complex which is near work and school.

I still don't have a car, but I have a bike, and the apartment is on the bus route. I figure that I can make it work out for me. Others feel like I really have to have a car to survive. I admit it scares me to think how will I get things done, like going to the doctor, or grocery shopping. I am close enough to the store, not my first choice of store but it will work, to walk. I told my dad that I would have to buy a "bag lady cart".. one that I can put my groceries in and wheel home behind me! He said he has one in the garage at his house that I can use. He said it worriedly. (is that even a word?)

I figure that I have family and friends and they will be able to come over and visit me every once in a while, right? I could then have them help me out with larger shopping excursions, like when I need to get Cat Litter and Cat Food.

It is going to be really touch and go though. I am a compulsive shopper normally, and so this move will help me in that, because I would not be able to buy what I could not get home. This is a good thing because with having to pay rent, gas, electric, etc. I will not have much money to buy things with anyways.

Charlie is already talking about where he can get a job at, and how far it would be for him to ride his bike to. He really is eager to start working, so that he can fix up his VW which is currently sitting idle at grandpa's house. I think I will have to get it registered and moved to the apt complex, that way I will at least have a car handy if needed.

The one thing that I am really nervous about is the fact that Charlie's father is now talking about getting an apartment in the same complex. I really don't want him that close. If he lives in another complex in the area that would be fine by me but I really don't want him in the SAME complex. Is that horrible of me or ?? But, at least that way Charlie would be able to see him, which is not really happening right now.

I have taken the day off work in order to pack things at my Dad's house, and also to hopefully go "in search of... " a sofa and living room furniture. If you may recall I got rid of pretty much everything when I moved out of my house. I reallllllly want to get a new bed for myself and one for Charlie too. Charlie said he does not want a new bed, he likes his bed and is excited to be able to sleep in his old bed again... but I think that at 16 he needs to at least have a full size bed. I would like to get him one of those Captain Storage type beds with the drawers under it for storage? Hopefully to keep stuff off of the floor of his room. Actually I wouldn't mind having one of those myself.

I really want a bed that has a new mattress. I have not had a "new" bed in, like, forever. When I first moved out of my dad's place when I was 17 I used an old bed, don't know where from. Then when I moved to Orange County I slept on the old couch for a while, then when Sonny and I moved into an apartment I bought a king size bed from a yard sale in the complex. The next bed we got from friends from Church when they got their new bed... and that one I am still using. I wake up aching and in pain because it is so horrible at this point. I want to spend a decent amount of money and get a Therapedic?? The kind that will form to your body and releave pressure points "for a better night's sleep."

Ok, I am now just rambling on about everything, so I really need to get going and move some more stuff out of the storage unit. That unit costs $85/month. Once I get it cleaned out --cha-ching-- money in the pocket (or for rent and food etc).

In His Ever-Lasting, Loving Arms

sigh

i think i mentioned that my car died... it will take more money to fix it than i paid for it in the first place, so i will not be fixing it.. therefore as that was the way that i was able to get to and from work etc, i need to either 1) find a new very cheap car or 2) find a place to live that is close to work and Charlies school.... trbl with all that is the same trbl with my life, bad credit... i have applied for an apt. which is right across the street from the school and only a few miles from work, thinking that i could either ride the bus or my bike.. however they turned down my application.. so now $30 less in my account, i have to look for another apt... my hopes have been dashed and i am very frustrated with my life...i told charlie today that we will have to register his vw bug so that i could drive it.. he then lamented the rest of the drive into town over the fact that it is his car, his dad would not want me to drive it, he is never going to get his drivers permit or licence... and that he is therefore the laughingstock of life bec he is going to be over 17 before he can drive HIS CAR...

sigh...

remaining firm in
Jesus' loving arms

Children's Church

Yesterday I really did not want to wake up and go to church. Friday evening I had already decided that this was going to be a sleep in til noon BOTH days weekend. Then when I got home I had a "gift" from Ginger. It was the children's church program book and dvd for Sunday. I had totally forgotten that I had agreed to lead it this week because Ginger was going to her cousin's baby shower.

So, I put it in my room to look at later. Saturday was later and I went thru the booklet for the October 8th lesson and it gives a lot of different options to do, ranging from the ages of 5-13. I picked out a couple of things that would work well with the children that have been coming to church recently.

None of them showed. The only children were Ginger's and they are much above the age range material that I picked out, but oh well, I was going to stick with those items. I did lose their interest a bit and while I think they did learn from the lesson, I know they were not there completely, especially towards the end of the 45 mins we had. I had at that point put on the DVD portion, and lost them, because I did not have a remote control for the DVD playter. I had to search thru the disc to find the 2 parts of the lesson. We only watched the one "station" once, and it was boring even to me.. the kids played with their blocks, building Bible story towns.

The song came on for the lesson "Jesus is the Messiah" done to a rock tune, and the youngest child did start singing the song and wiggling himself about a little. But, the older one was not acting like he even heard the song.

I must say they did put together a great block city. And they like the conversation cube activity -- a paper die with questions on each side. It was good until a question that had already been answered came up... then that went to the side of the table too. I tried, but I am really not a great teacher, not very exciting. But, we made it thru, and maybe they learned something new today... I can hope so.

In His Loving Arms

Death of a Car

My car died this morning. Actually not all the way. More like it has liver or kidney failure.

I was on this huge merging turn from southbound I-5 going on to eastbound I-80 in Sacramento, and hear a very loud POP. Then my car kind of lost breath, with a whoosh; my foot on the gas lowering giving the car more gas, but the car slowing and chugging. This is a very dangerous curving on/off ramp and I was more than a little scared, as cars and big-rigs were rushing by my poor car. I fumbled with the hazard lights, and tried to keep to the right, in the break-down lane.

My son said it seemed like maybe a belt had broke. The car has a serpentine belt that runs everything, and it has been changed quite recently.... thought "maybe?..." So we carefully got out of the car and checked the belt. It was fine, so we got back in the car. I didn't feel safe sitting there so, cautiously limped the car forward...crossing over an off ramp lane, continuing to go towards Charlie's school exit at Truxel.

If you have ever been in this area you know that it is dangerous at the best of times. So, with morning traffic rushing around me, I prayed a little prayer, and pressed the gas, chugging along, eventually getting over to the right lane once again (passing over two on-coming lanes of traffic). I eventually got off the freeway at Truxel and was able to pull over in a relatively safe place, right across the street from my son's school's baseball field.

We just sat there, I was trying to figure out why I even woke up this morning. I had Charlie call his father and tell him that we broke down... but Charlie just dialed and handed me the phone. I really did not want to call my estranged husband for help. Didn't really know what he could do to help me anyways, because I knew my car was dying. He actually came and looked under the hood and said he thought the trouble was with the cam-shaft (whatever that is) and lifters. I thanked him and told him he could leave me and go on to work. He did offer to drive me to work so that I would be able to call a tow truck from there. I declined and used my cell phone to call Geico, after I searched thru every paper in my glovebox more than once.

The lady at Geico was very nice and called a tow truck which came relatively quickly. I only had to wait about 20 more minutes. By this time Charlie had long gone, walked the short distance to school; I was already late for work and was able to get excused time off because it was slow. I rode to the shop (in the tow truck), that was near my work and came recommended to me.

I then walked the block or two to work, getting there around 9:00 and started work. By noon I had not heard from the shop about my car so I called them to find out the damage. I was told the transmission had blown and that the estimated repair costs would be around $3400.00, more or less.

Y-I-K-E-S

So.... I have been on the phone for my lunch and last break, calling around getting other quotes, and they are not good. So now I have to figure out if my car is worth spending the money on... There are so many other things wrong with it.

Windshield is broken, with a crack going from side to side.

Air-conditioner needs to be completely replaced -- estimate of $750.00.

Front passenger side window will not roll up (almost winter -- rained last night)... and its electric.

Front Drivers side window occastionally does the same.

My radiator is not holding water like it should and needs to be replaced... I have to check it often, because it tends to drain and I can smell the radiator water smell when sitting at a light.

I am sure there are more things but I am too tired to think of them right now...

Oh yeah, the lighter plug in shorts out and blows the fuse which operates the interior lights/automatic door locks/etc.

So, I am going to pray long and hard about my options and see what comes of it.

I am always...
In His Loving Arms.

Paul, Part 2

Well, a very exciting weekend has just passed. My friend from high school and I got together (very briefly) and saw each other for the first time since June 1984 (graduation). He was part of a function happening in town and said I could drop by and check things out if I wanted to.. I did!

I took my 16 year old son and his friend and we headed towards town. Butterflies had taken up residence in my tummy, fluttering here and there. There were actually a couple times when I thought about turning the car around and going back home or just going to a mall, anything but what I was planning... quite nervous.

We arrived around 3pm and I let the kids roam around. I looked at every tall man to see if that was Paul. I had seen a picture, which he even claimed was not the greatest, so I really didn't know who I was looking for... and there were a lot of people. Finally after about an hour I saw someone who I thought might be him, but I really didn't know for sure, and didn't want to walk up to someone and say "Hi" if it was not him.

That moment passed and I did not see that man again, he had walked into a crowd. So, I pulled up my "big girl pants" and sent a text message to his cell phone number, then waited, and waited, and waited some more. During this time my son was sending me goofy test messages, and I was getting irritated. Finally the call came that I had been waiting for. It was Paul.

He was not there. Not in the building. Sigh. But, he was on his way back, he had to leave to get something and was about 10 minutes away. He told me that his hair was shorter than in the picture I had seen, and that he now wore glasses, and that he would be coming in the front door in a few minutes.

I sat close to the front doors of the establishment, but not too close. Didn't want to look to anxious. Mind you there were people coming in and out those door, mostly kids, but every once in a while was an adult. I would look at each man as the doors opened... nope this one was too old, this one was too short, too young, wrong race, etc... Those few minutes seemed like eternity.

Finally there was Paul walking thru the doors. It was the same man from earlier who I didn't want to approach in case it wasn't him.

Big smile on both our faces we hugged and looked at each other and we both lied a bit -- saying "I would have recognized you anywhere".... 22 years is a long time, after all things are said and done. He looked great, same smile as forever.. it was just my old friend Paul!

Another man walked by, this one was a rocker dude, with a modified mohawk and Paul called him over. "Shawn, come here... do you remember Michelle?" It was a guy we went to junior high thru high school with. Wow... meeting up now with two people. It was almost overwhelming.

We had only about 20-30 minutes to talk because they were both very involved in the function going on.. and had only a few minutes to spare. We talked about people we had gone to school with... "remember (so and so), he's a judge now" ... "yeah and (girl) is a lawyer" ... "(she) is a teacher" ... They talked about a prank they pulled in their poli-sci class. We mentioned the teachers who we didn't appreciate as much at the time but who we really admired.

It was really great. I met Shawn's wife. His 15 year old daughter was somewhere around the building but I didn't meet her. I don't know if Paul's girlfriend or kids were around. I did introduce them to Charlie. It was mentioned that it was kinda weird that we have kids who are almost the age we were the last time we were all in the same room!

It was interesting that we all seemed to have felt to be on the fringes in high school. I wonder if all people feel that way about when the were in school? Anyways, they had to get back to the function, and Charlie was pulling on me to leave and get home. So, I hugged the two men and said how great it was to see them both. I suggested that we get together and maybe have a little mini-reunion/bull session. I would really like get acquainted with them again... so, will see how that all turns out.

I kick myself because I took my camera, then totally spaced having a picture taken. Like I said it was a little overwhelming, to say the least. My head is still reeling.

Picture of me

My son Charlie took this picture with my new cell phone... I had just arrived home from work, it was hot and he grabbed the phone and snapped this... so that explains the expression... argh... but I still like this pic anyways!

Paul

This past week I was sent an email from a person who was quite an impact on my youth. I have not heard from this man since we graduated from high school in 1984 -- 22 years ago!

I first met Paul when I was in 5th grade. I had moved from South Sacramento to a whole new universe ... Fulton/Fair Oaks area. We moved mid-year from the place I had lived all my life, new everything -- school, house, way of life, and of course no life-long friends. I am a reserved person even to this day, and back then my reserved nature caused me to be thought of as a Bitch even then to these new people.

Most of these people had their own cliques formed, with life-long friends, and here I was -- newcomer -- with no social skills.

I had a rough 10 years to start out with... my mother's dying in a car accident where she was the only fatality, living with my broken father, the nanny/housekeeper to raised us for 3 years, my fathers marriage to my 3rd grade teacher, the step-child hating the step-mother, and a brother who was a royal pain the ass and the cutie that never did any wrong. I was a very grown up 10 year old, tall and well-read. I did not fit in with the new school, or the new classmates.

My step-mother would kick me out of the house because I would just stay in and do homework and read books, but would not get out of the house to socialize, so she would literally lock me out of the house.

I would then get on my bike an ride around the neighborhood for hours, or to the library where I would read for hours. One of my frequent bike rides was past the cutest boys house -- I was a stalker at 10! I would hope upon hope that he would be outside and I would be able to talk with him or just see him. This was Paul.

He was also the tallest boy in school, I was the tallest girl. We would joke about who was tallest each saying "I am tallest" (I really was though!) When I was sitting on the bench during recess at school Paul would always come over and talk with me, see what I was reading, asking how I was, actually being interested in me and my life. I remember one time when I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, crying on the sidelines, and he came over to ask what was wrong. I told him about my mother dying, making it sound like she just had, so that he would be sympathetic. He was but then when he asked when this happened and I told him it was 5 years earlier, he basically told me it was time to snap out of it, which I needed to hear at that time. Pity party cancelled!

One of the most memoriable times was Valentines day, I think it was 6th grade. Paul brought a Valentine to my house and personally delivered it. I still have that Valentine. He was my hero. I had such a crush on Paul, which I don't think was reciprocated, but I was ok with that.

Even thru jr high and high school we still had that old connection, even tho we were in different cliques. He would stop and say hi how's it going... A very special person.

So, need-less-to-say, I was extremely happy to hear from him after all this time. I have searched on-line for any mention of him, hoping he was alive and well. I have expressed an interested in getting together to talk about life, catch up on 22 years of "stuff" ... I hope that we can retain that special friendship we had 30 years ago when we first met.

In Jesus' Loving Arms...

Diet

I have started a diet. I have been overweight for the past 18 years or so, and ache in all my joints. I have tried losing weight in the past and never really have been too motivated, however this time I am. My brother and his lady have been doing the Atkins diet for a couple months, have lost weight, and love it but never really told me much about it. I just saw them not getting to eat some of my favorite foods (pasta, rice, bread, beans, tortillas) and thought that I would be miserable if I was to try that diet. And yuck to all the meat....

My supervisor Kelly then enthused about the Atkins diet and explained to my with gusto the things that help her keep to the diet and why it is ok to eat the way the diet suggests. She made it so positive and explained how I can still eat out and keep to the diet, because she knows that I eat out A LOT.

I started my diet the Thursday before Mother's Day 12 days ago and have been doing really good. My scale at home says that I have even lost 10 lbs!! I am so encouraged by the weight loss that I am going to try to stick to this because I have a lot more lbs that need to come off. When I weighed myself that Thursday evening my scale at home said 252. This morning it showed 243. I just can't believe that I have lost 10 lbs in such a short time, with very little exercise.

Now, I was sick all last week but I still ate a lot of food. I just didn't eat the foods I normally would have like quesadillas and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I ate a lot of tuna salad. I mean -- a lot of tuna salad. I had sometimes two cans of tuna a day. The other food I ate was meatballs. I get the already made, precooked kind from the store and just have to microwave them.

My son even took me out for Mother's Day lunch. We went to the Waffle Barn where I usually get an omelet that comes with country potatoes and a massive biscuit/gravy dish. I usually eat the whole thing! This time I ordered my eggs and asked them to hold the potatoes and biscuit/gravy and bring me cottage cheese instead. I was as full or at least satisfied when I ended my meal. I was most proud of the fact that I did not steal even one of Charlie's french fries. I usually eat 1/4 of them, sneaking them off his plate.

This past Saturday I went with Pastor Danny to a meeting in Oakland. I was a little worried about the lunch that was going to be provided. Eating out is hard but eating out when someone else is providing the fare and no other options looked daunting. I was very happy when they brought out the food and it was sandwich fixings. I ate ham and cheese, no bread, no chips .. some salad with a little Italian dressing.. and there was this wonderful tuna salad. It was made with tuna, cream cheese and chopped olives... Hecka Yummy in my Tummy!!

I also got a lot of exercise on Saturday. Danny and I took the train to Richmond, then BART to Oakland 19th street. The meeting was a few blocks east (?) of 29th street. So, we walked to the church the meeting was at. I figure it was a bit more than a mile. Danny asked before we left if I would like to hitch a ride with someone to the BART station, because he knew that the walk there was a little tough for me (I was sweating profusely and huffing/puffing)... I let him know that I was up to the walk back. Knowing that I have to get the exercise in and that we had a couple hours of train ride ahead of us, it felt good to walk in the sunshine for a while.

Last night was Monday. Dad and I usually go to a restaurant that has $4 Spaghetti Dinner.. comes with salad and a huge roll. I missed going, it is just a nice "tradition" .. but I had a bowl of egg salad and some fajita spiced chicken and was satisfied.

I am determined to do this... Oh, did I mention my work is having a Biggest Loser contest? We have one month before the weigh-in. I want to be the Winner. We all put in $10 and the winner will get the jackpot. There are over 25 people trying for the purse... So, please keep your fingers crossed and pray for me.

In Jesus' Loving Arms

Power Trip Part 2

You know, since I posted the last blog I have been thinking it over a lot. In so many ways I am much like Charlie is... stubborn, hard headed, quick to anger, quick to feel sorry for myself, opinionated.. aren't we all ?? and where do I think he gets it from? where do I get it from? probably from my dad?

Anyways, I was thinking about when I told Charlie to get out of the car, and call his dad to come and get him; that I was having none of the game playing. I pictured myself then as Charlie, and God as me. Thought about God telling me to get out of the car, stop the bs and to call my dad to come and get me (dad of course being GOD!)

I am not talking death or anything, just that sometimes I need my GOD/DAD to help me thru things, to guide me on the right path.. here i look and see i wrote "sometimes" rather than "ALWAYS" .. lol ... I just have a hard time letting GOD/DAD be part of my life -- ALL THE TIME.

I have really been struggling with letting God be a part of my life lately. I have been very tempted to just chuck it all, stop going to church, stop going to bible studies, stop going to regional church events, stop going to bunko, and just letting "the dark side" take over - letting Satan have control sometimes is the easy answer. I know that it is Satan tugging on my hand, whispering in my ear to let go of God, to give into the depression, to give into food/weight issues, to give into bad relationships, to give into a bad life.

I have made a every effort to not let go of God. I force myself to wake up on Sunday determined to go to church and hear God's message for me that day. I force myself to read Bible passages that can help me. I force myself to think positive thoughts. I force myself to take my medication. I force myself to go to functions that involve PEOPLE. I force myself to live each and every day, and it is a stuggle each and every day... but I will not let myself give up.

For this I give thanks to God and to his letting Jesus be my right hand man, and for giving the Holy Spirit to me to be present in my heart and my head.

Praise be to God.

Power Trip

This past weekend my son Charlie and I went to our church regional annual meeting in lovely Pacific Grove. This is a four hour (approx) drive from home with the various pit stops along the way. I am not a good driver, tending to fall asleep on even short drives, so I was not looking forward to the drive in the first place, but with no alternative what is one to do???

SO, with that being said, we were about 1 hr into the drive and just between Vacaville and Fairfield on highway 80... Charlie had been pretty good so far (he is 15) and we were listening to the radio. The Manfred Mann song "Blinded by the Light" came on, and that is one of my favorites, so I turned the radio up louder than it was. While the song music started Charlie said the first few words of the song, then exclaimed "I cant believe I knew that"... I nodded my head indicating that I heard him and keeps singing along.

Char then asked me to turn down the radio because he had something he wanted to say. This is a pattern of ours, a good song is on and he wants to talk. I kept singing, and motioned with my hand a sort of "later" motion. He kept insisting that I turn down the radio... so after a few moments I did turn the radio down and said in an exasperated manner "WHAT???" He got upset and clammed up and didnt say a word other than "nevermind"... well mind you that pissed me off, and HOW!! This is his little power trip, and I immediately got anger. Not just a little anger, but a total rage (not a good thing while driving). I glanced quickly in the rear-view mirror and pulled over to the side of the road, trying to be safe (I have been in an accident before doing this)... and yelling at Charlie to "get the **** out of the car -- NOW" ..
I have had it with this "game" of him wanting to say something and if I don't respond immediately he clams up and then is pissed at me. So, as I said, I was fuming, raging, pissed off, instantaneously. He would not get out of the car and I kept telling him to do so, and told him he can call his Dad on the cell phone and have him come and pick Char up on the side of the road if need be. Charlie still did not move, nor talk. I told him I just don't understand why he wants to say something then doesnt say it. It is not just a little thing with him, it is CONSTANTLY, and I am just fed up. I told him that I wanted this to be a good weekend and that I will have no tolerance for this game and that he needs to figure out right then and there if he will behave. He nodded YES, then I sat there for about 10 mins with the car off, trying to calm down my temper.

We got going again and I had turned the radio off, during which time Char did not talk at all. Not one word. Total Silence... Sigh... so then when we were just past Concord I decided to turn on the radio again. Not more than 5 seconds into the song Charlie started talking. This is what I mean by it being a game to him. He doesnt even realize it. I just had to start laughing.

I still don't understand him, I don't know if I ever will.

I think that is what God may say about me most of the time too... "I just don't understand that Michelle... what is she doing now!?!"

In Jesus' Loving Arms

How is my Inner Child?

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Dear God,

Dear God,

Please help me from strangers who mean well, are good-intentioned, but
totally out of line.

Compassionate Guide, please help these people who think that I do not know
that I am over-weight and need their dieting advice, while standing in line at
the AM/PM. I just bite my tongue and quip innane remarks back to
them.

Heavenly Teacher, teach me to continue having patience with these misguided
children of yours. Do they really think that I do not look in the mirror every
day, struggle to fit into clothing that fit weeks/months ago, and hate the fact
that I continue to eat foods that are not right for me... while finding it more
and more difficult to actually get up off my fat butt and excecise because my
body is in pain?

Your Loving, yet larger than life child... Michelle


I write this because yesterday I was standing in line to buy my morning coffee and soda and the man in front of me turned and asked me if I had tea. What a simple question. I answered "No, I have coffee in this cup and soda in this one." The coffee was large and the soda was larger (64 oz.) I then got a lesson. He responded with "Did you know that 32 oz of soda a day is equal to 32 lbs of sugar?" I laughed at him and said "unless it is diet sode like mine is...!!!" He turned away as it was his turn at the register.

I hate people assuming because I am heavy that I have completely NO will-power. I actually started drinking diet soda about 5 years ago after realizing just how much sugar filled drinks I was consuming. While this has helped me with the carlories that I drink, it does not help me with the calories I eat.

This is a struggle that I work with daily, most days failing miserably. But.. seriously folks, I don't need complete strangers "helping" me. Please MYOB. If I want your suggestion, and strangers -I DON'T - I will ask for it!!!

In your loving arms.

Playing Hooky

This past weekend I went to Gathering of Women in Selma, CA. This is about a 3.5 hr drive from my work and I was lucky enough to get a ride with one of the women from the Woodland church. She drove the whole way there and back, and I was very grateful. I tend to fall asleep when I drive even short distances.

The weather was miserable on the way south, pouring rain, lightening, thunder -- plus Friday afternoon traffice. We left Sac at 4pm and made only one stop for quick dinner at In&Out, making it to Selma around 830p.

The Gathering was wonderful and I am so happy that I was able to go. The church it was held at was an awesome church. I love seeing the different styles of all the different churches around.

The weather on the way home was absolutely perfect, fluffy clouds in the blue sky. Traffic was minimal. We made it home before dark, and we left Selma at 330p.

However..... I was still exhausted. Travelling drains me. I was in bed Saturday night around 10pm, and when I went to bed I really truely did plan to go to church Sunday morning. I was suppose to lead the service, as our pastor was out of town for a wedding and I was suppose to help the visiting pastor and intro the songs, and do the joys/concerns, etc....

I woke up around 9am and went back to sleep "just for a little while" but when I woke up it was 1130 already! Church starts at 1030 so I was a little late... and so I went back to sleep. I knew that our church members would step up to the plate and handle it. Actually, I knew that my dad was already scheduled to be Elder and that he would probably be the one doing the job. (I was right.)

Dad got home after church and I was just getting out of the shower, but I was still exhausted. Dad later told me that he was really worried because I rarely miss church, especially when I am scheduled to do something. He said that he checked in on me a few times before he left for work and that I had not moved from my sleeping postion, and that when I did not show up for church he was then wondering if I was dead in bed or ???

I had to apologize to him and next week I will be apologizing to my church also... Plus, darn it, the sermon was one that I wish I had not missed, after I heard about it.

In His Loving Arms

Children's Moment About "Stuff"

Well, the move is over!!! ~whew~ I actually had another dump run, and a full truck load that went to Goodwill before it was all over and done. But... it.. is.. done...!!! This was the first time that I have had to do the bulk of the packing, and organizing, and throwing stuff out. I was emotionally and physically drained, and after the close of the sale of the house, when I was all moved into my Dad's house, I had to take a day off work just to sleep and re-charge.

Ok, enough said about that -- on to my Children's Moment about "Stuff."

I told the children that I had just move and had to get rid of a lot of stuff. I asked them if they had a lot of stuff in their rooms. A coupld of them said yes and a couple said no. I asked them what kind of stuff they had. They said clothing, toys, books.

I then asked them if they needed all the stuff they had. They all said yes of course. I responded with "you really don't need all of it, but I am sure that you want it and like it" which did not really go over very well.

My next question was if they thought Jesus had a lot of stuff. A couple of the kids shrugged, but the pastor's son responded "nope, because he didn't even have a house... well, he has a house but he was never there." This boy is 8 by the way. So I asked the kids what they thought Jesus did have that he kept with him. A couple of the responses were clothing and shoes.

They were pretty good at getting the point that Jesus did not have anything, because he was always walking from one city to another in order to tell the word of God. That he didn't have much because what he had he had to carry with him, so basically only had the one outfit and maybe one pair of sandals, and nothing else. I asked what Jesus did when his clothing got smelly, and what did he do about food and sleeping. The preachers son again answered.. saying "Well, when he got dirty he would just wash his clothes in the river when he was taking a bath, and he lived in a tent like about the size of the entry over there (pointing to our tiny church entry)." I then pointed out that Jesus also had to rely on other people for his food and water, and even shelter a lot of the time.

Then again I asked them if they really needed all the stuff they had at home. Most of them shook their heads indicating nope they didn't. "So, then why do we have so much stuff that is so hard to get rid of, if Jesus didn't need it all to get by?" Again, the pastor's son, stating the obvious: "WELL, they didn't have things back then like TV's and video games, and movies, so he didn't need to have them like we do."

That was the lesson...

The Little Engine that Could... I think I Can...

Well, final moving day is almost here. Six days from today I have to be moved out of my house... I don't know how I am going to find the time or energy to do it all. We are signing the papers tomorrow, and the title company officer said that everything will be done by Tuesday.

My house looks like a hurricane came thru. I have stuff half packed here and there and literally EVERY WHERE!! I have mentioned that I am a pack rat and that is so darn true. I have been going thru the shed which was packed to the rafters (I think it does have rafters) with "stuff".. much of this has been sitting around not looked at or thought of in the 2 1/2 years I have lived here. A couple weeks ago we took two truck loads of garbage (literal and figurative) to the dump. Those two loads both equaled 1900 lbs. My friends I have done the math and that is almost 2 tons of crap. It does not end there either.

The next week we took another load of stuff to the dump. Now a lot of that load was metal which we got to dump for free, and so therefore were not required to weight before going in. We took the load in to the metal dumping area and got rid of it then had to go back thru the scales, weighing in the actual "garbage"... another 540 lbs. Again, it does not end there.

Much of the furniture that I have downstairs will also be going to the dump: chair, couch, end table, coffee table. Also, the empty cardboard boxes that use to hold most of the stuff from the first two dump loads must go... as well as whatever else I find that I do not need and that can't be recycled thru Goodwill/Salvation Army.

Speaking of which, I have probably a full truck bed load that will go to GW/SA. Mostly books.. I have a lot of books... at least four large boxes of books which I have reluctantly talked myself into giving away. I talked myself into keeping the Left Behind series after they were already in the give away pile. I am resolved to get rid of most of my Lawrence Sanders, Stephen King, Patricia Cornwell, James Patterson books... I have read them and they were great, but I will probalby never read them again. I have tossed my son's baby books, most were in a box on the bottom of the pile in the shed for the last two years, and there is a bit of weather damage to them.. so no reason to keep. I did filter out those books which were given to him by grandma or grandpa, etc. I tossed the Little House on the Prairie books I bought before I knew if he was going to be a boy or a girl, the Narnia Chronicles, the Hardy Boys... my son you see does not like to read. He does not share my PASSION for the written fictional word, so he will not miss them, but I will. Sob, Breath, Sigh... release, let go and let GOD, and let someone else enjoy them!

I have bags and bags of clothing that I have wisely decided to part ways with also. The size 14-16 dresses, jeans, shirts... the tie-dye outfit I love, sundresses, suits, skirts... items I bought in my smaller days, my dreaming of smaller days, and those that were given to me by others going thru weight loss/gains... Some of these items I have had packed up for more than 2 years also. Why keep them?? I don't know but it is time to "clean out my closets" and "trim down" ...

Last night my dad and brother came over to help move some of the large furniture that I am taking with me -- dresser, desk, computer, my mom's sewing machine. We are going to take a load each night this week and I should hopefully have it all done in time, with enough time left over to clean. I really hate cleaning too!

Tonight I think I am going to have them move the freezer outside so that it can defrost in time to move it to storage. Luckily we have been having mid-60 degree temps (unluckily the mosquitoes like it also) and I should not have to use a heater. Then we are going to load up the truck with the furniture for the dump. Yes to the dump and not GW/SA, because I have a dog and a cat, both who LOVE furniture, scratching and sleeping on.. and both were hand-me-downs when I got them.

I hope that I can get as much done as possible before this weekend because I have a great women's retreat on Saturday that I have paid for and been looking forward to for the longest time. Sunday I have church and then afterwards a luncheon to attend at Ruthy's... so, I will be doing the Hustle !! Smiles, :0)

Anyways, I must go and pick Charlie up from school so we can get home and get busy.

As always, In His Loving Arms...

Pack up and Ship out

It's time to get serious and start packing the house. I bought, yes bought, moving boxes to put things into. I have used one so far for part of my book shelf. The others are where they were put as I walked into the house. The cat thinks they are fun, to hide behind and to use as a scratching post! Have I mentioned that I hate to pack almost as much as I hate to move? Well, I do. But .. darn it.. I have to do it again.

This coming Saturday we will be cleaning out the shed and the area surrounding the shed of its clutter. I have been told it will take about three trips to the dump to haul it all away. Hopefully the good weather will continue and it will be dry enough to do this without getting covered in mud. Before Saturday though I really ought to go thru all my "stuff" and get things sorted so that I can make the best use of the dump runs. I am determined to go thru boxes of "stuff" that are stored in the shed, and get rid of "stuff" that has not seen the light of day for 10+ years. It is going to be very hard for me to do this.

I am an OCD packrat of the worst sort. Getting rid of things is like pulling my legs out of the hip socket.. very very painful. Some wise person said that you cant take it with you... and Jesus asked his disciples to leave all their "stuff" behind to follow him... I am going to try to make Him proud of me.

There are, of course, some things that I will not be able to part with. One of those will be my set of china, which is used once a year, if it is lucky. I have the Old Country Roses pattern which I love. I am also going to keep the ancient waffle maker that weighs about 20 lbs, and the turtle cookie-jar that we found at the flea market.. it is the same as the one that I had when I was a kid.

Let's face it though, I can get rid of the Harlequin paperbacks, and even some of my hardback books that I will never read again. I don't know if I have ever read some of them, but darn it, they look real nice on the book shelf. And those JC PENNEY catalogues, and pizza coupons, and Oriental Trade flyers that come in the mail every week... do I really need them back to pre-2000? NAH! throw them OUT!!!

What about the set of maraca's that Dad brought home after one of his vacations to Mexico? Or the brass cats that I got from my sister-in-law Sue? Or the cheesy flower prints that I got from a yard-sale that fit great in the bathroom at the house I lived in two address's ago? (actually those may go bye bye)

The "stuff" we all have is "stuff" that we either got from someone and so it holds a special place in our hearts... or we picked it up for a song because we liked it... or we paid a large sum because we just had to have it could not live without it. Everything is in my possession for one reason or another, but some of it has lost its meaning and is just taking up space, so why keep it? It is still hard even with sound reasoning to let go.

Reminding me of the great 12-step mantra: Let Go and Let God!

It's just "stuff" and new "stuff" will take its place soon I am sure.

In His Loving Uncluttered Arms...

Time .... is not on my side..

I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but I am a member of my regions Women's Ministry Council. I am responsible for upkeep of a website, which I am finding quite hard to do for a few different reasons. You may be asking : "You have time to blog, so why not to update the site?"

Well, thanks for asking!!! Blogging takes very little time, just a thought and speedy fingers. Updating the site requires sometimes hours to get things to look just right. I know I have mentioned before the lack of phone service at home, because I owe money and until I get it paid off it is just how it is. So, without phone service I have no internet service from home.

I keep hoping for a phone call at work asking me if I want to go home on e-time... excused, unpaid time off... when we are slow. I rarely get this call because there are so many other reps who start work earlier than I do so therefore get called before me. If I had a couple hours to devote to the website then I could update it in the time between getting off work and picking up my son, Charlie, from school.

I use the computers at work when I am able to. I could also use my dad's computer however his computer is one so ancient that it hardly runs at all much less allows me to do anything at a rate of speed close to tortoise-speed. I have tried to use other people's computers, but some people do not like to have you touch their equipment, fearing that you are a bumpkin who will break it into tiny little pieces, so I don't ask those folks to help me out anymore. Sigh, Sigh, Sigh...

This too shall pass.... while being held...

In His Loving Arms