Mutter, Mutter, Grumble and Groan

I have had a fairly boring week, nothing pops in my head to ramble about, but here I sit, trying to type just because I haven't for a while. So, I think I will just type some follow-ups to previuos ramblings.... Here goes nothing!

The ibubrophen seems to be working a little, the arm is numb only a few times a day, and the pain is less!!

The cat seems to be able to read my blog or my mind or something, and has not left any mouse parts around lately. Maybe he is taking a break from his JOB!!

The dog has been happy sleeping on his blankets, rather than on my bed, though it has cooled down at night and last night he was looking quite longingly at me, as though begging to get permission to climb on the bed. He did NOT get that permission, just a pat on the head and (said in a childish voice) "you're such a gooooood dogggggggie, nighty night."

I am getting quite a bit accomplished on my dragon/knight cross-stitch. It might not take me the entire year if I go at this pace. I am trying to do a little bit every night during my tv time, which is proving to be more difficult as the new tv shows are starting up. It was much easier during repeats, because I had already seen them and did not actually need to WATCH the show, just listen. But, with the new shows, I want to actually watch them.. and to do my stitching I have to remove my glasses to see.

Damn, that means that I need to go and have my eyes checked and probably look into bi- or tri-focals!! yuck... does anyone know where I can get a few million dollars, i really want the lasik surgury, and a few other things too!

This weekend I am going to be going on a walk-a-thon, just 3 miles, starting at the Capitol building and going around the downtown Sacramento area. It is a walk for Juvinile Diabetes Research. I have no one sponsoring me but I will walk anyways for the group "Kaiser Kids" because my little friend Ethan has diabetes. He, his brother and mom are going to be walking and asked me to go along. We did this once before and it was cool. I hope the weather stays nice this weekend.

I also need to mow my lawn, probably tomorrow morning. I have not mown it for over a month. I thought the weeds would be going crazy but I guess you have to have water for them to grow?? HUM, didnt know that !! Haven't watered because have not wanted to mow in 100+ degree temperatures. My son does not seem to want to help out in this, though I keep asking him.

I finally heard from the company owner who has the rebar yard in front of my house. I owe about $600 for the two truck windows my son shot out with his BB Gun this summer, in retaliation for the guy saying some not very nice things to him two years ago. Damn, revenge may be sweet, but the bills SUCK. Think his dad will be able to come up with part of it because HE IS THE ONE WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE COOL TO LET CHARLIE GET A DAMN BB GUN??? I will try but won't hold my breath.

Mouse Parts

I have to preface this post with a little description of my house. It is two stories, and prior to our moving in was two studio apartments, one up and one down. There are stairs going from the downstairs front door, to a porch upstairs. These stairs are wooden and outside, old, rickety and needing a lot of love and kindness.

So, yesterday I woke and got ready for work, then went down the stairs to go inside and get my purse and other items that I take to work. I got to the door stoop and looked down at the cat and dog who think they have to be the first in the door, always. I noticed other animal parts there too.

Why is it that cats, Jules is the one in question right now, have to bring you their trophies???

I don't mind it, really I don't, but I would like them to be somewhere else, rather than under my feet. When I looked down yesterday there were four body parts: 1 leg, 1 tail, and 2 heads. They had been there long enough for some ants to have found them and excavation had begun. Oh, I forgot to say there was also a little pile of entrails. YUCK!

Now, I have come down at times to find bodies of birds, mice, and the occasional baby bunny. I don't mind entire bodies, they are a lot easier to scoop up and get rid of... but PARTS I do not want to deal with. I managed to kick the heads out of the way but the tail and leg and entrails?? I just left them there. I figure they will manage to leave on their own, one way or another.

I don't understand the way or the why of 2 heads, but only 1 leg and 1 tail. Why not just eat the whole mouse, or at least leave the same parts if they do not appeal?? Cat's are so strange.

In His Loving Arms...

Neurosurgeon Info

I went on Monday to speak with the Neurosurgeon about my neck, the herniated disc things. He was a fantastic doctor, who actually sat down and listened to all my ailments, real and imagined. He did not say anything about my weight being a factor in anything, unlike most doctors I have talked to about anything.

He told me that the MRI shows that I have actually got 2 herniated disc's, one above the other. One bulges to the left and the other to the right. The one that bulges to the left is what is causing my arm numbness and neck pain, apparently it is pushing against and aggravating my nerve. He told me the pro's and con's of surgery which he is not against but does not want to suggest at this time without trying other things.

He started me on 800 mg ibuprophen 3x's a day, and said that if that does not help we have this and this and this we can try later. I guess the nerve is really pissed off and we have to calm it down. He told me that if that happens I may not have need for further treatments and/or surgery. I have my fingers crossed that it will be so.

I already have noticed a slight improvement, so that is surely a blessing.

In His Loving Arms,

Poor Max

Tomorrow I leave for Fall Retreat which the women of my regional church attend each year. It is in the beautiful Mission Springs conference grounds, just outside of Santa Cruz, CA.

I have arranged to have Charlie's grandmother pick him up tonight and get him to school tomorrow and then keep him all weekend. It took me a while to work up the nerve to do this and finally asked her last night. I previously had only asked her to pick him up from school on Friday, but then thought, heck I need time to get laundry done and packed too! So, I took the plunge and asked, and of course she said yes with no hesitation.

Then later last night I was thinking, oh crap what about Max and Jules? Max hates sleeping outside, he loves blankies and pillows. Who will feed them? So this morning I told Charlie that "if he wants" he and his father can stay at the house this weekend, or at least come over and stay for a while to take care of the animals, etc. It's pretty bad that I am feeling more guilty over Max having to sleep outside than anything else. What a damn spoiled baby!

Max has been going upstairs with Charlie at 830p since school started. I usually go up at 11ish. I got into the habit of letting Max on the bed with me, to "cuddle," when Charlie was in TX earlier this year, and so he kinda expects as a right now, rather than luxury. Max usually waits for an invitation but lately has been getting up there on his own. In the past week I have gone up to bed and Max is not on the bed but has just slinked off. The imprint of his body, still hot and doggie-smelling, getting closer and closer to "my side" of the bed. Two nights ago his head was obviously ON MY PILLOW. Well the next day I bought a new comfortor (the cat had marked the old one and I was feeling like getting a new one anyways), and donated my old blanket to Max. He is now firmly positioned on the floor again, with his own blankie and "pillow" throw too. No more dog on the bed for a while.

In his loving arms,

Remembering 9/11/01

I am a couple days late but the memory is still there, probably will never leave. I have been reading blogs where people have been saying what they did when the Twin Towers fell and so I am prompted to write also. This is my generations John Kennedy/Martin Luther King Jr., where where you when you heard about....

I was getting in my car, taking my son to Lizzie's house. She watched Charlie before school til the bus came for him and her two daughters. Everyone usually rushing around in the before school madness. I turned on the car and heard on the radio, not standard KLOVE music, but news. They were saying something about an airplane into a building in NY, but I didn't catch it all, with my son getting in the car and everything. I made him hush as best I could and listened carefully to the news report on the 3 minute drive to Lizzie's house.

When I pulled into the driveway she rushed out to the car and I was rushing to go into the house to see the TV. Both of us, I am sure, had horrified looks on our face, terror, disbelief, awe even. As we watched the situation unfolding the reporters camera showed the 2nd plane hitting the 2nd tower. I just could not believe it. I wondered if similar things were happening in other cities. I live in California... what about Los Angeles, San Francisco.. even Sacramento where I work, what about there? I remember telling my son to watch the news closely that he was seeing history in the making.

I hated having to leave him and go on to work. I wanted to be able to sit at the TV for the entire day... I guess it is the sense of morbidity? Why do we do that, sit in front of the screen watching the bad shit happen across the world, and think "thank God it was not here" and also thinking "but what if...???" and "what can I do to help" ...

What do I tell my son about the events? You know what, even today I don't remember what I told him... Other than the truth. I have always been big on the truth. Plus what should I sugar coat, he had seen the news and the pictures of the devestation.

In some ways his slight Autism is a blessing, he does not feel emotions to the extent that I do, at least not for things of this magnitude. I think he knows, it but is able to compartmentalize it and move on? Death has never really bugged him. Ever. Not even with pets.

I did not see Charlie this year on 9/11. He was spending the day with his father, and I picked him up at 8pm, then he went home and straight to bed. I don't know if 9/11 was mentioned to him, or if so what he may have thought about it at this point. He was not in church to hear the great sermon delivered by Pastor Danny about forgiveness and how hard it is to forgive but that God says to do so 7x70 times.

That might be a great conversation for this evening on the ride home.

In His Loving Arms...

Beat me with the bloody stump... please

In light of recent events in the world I really don't want to bitch about things, but... I am going to anyways....

My arm and neck HURT. A LOT. I would rate it about a 6 most of the time, but there are moments and blocks of hours that it increases to about an 8 or 9 easily. I feel like it would be better to just tear off my left arm and beat myself about the head and shoulders.

I think it hurts more often and more noticably since it was diagnosed. Now that I know there is a real reason for the pain it is more apparent. Before I was diagnosed it was just thought to be "stress" "depression" "tension" "all in my head" ... and too many others to mention.

I have been taking pain medication, over-the-counter Excedrin and Tylenol PM, to get thru the days and nights. I really don't like to take pain pills. I have nothing against medication. Give me my Effexor and Wellbutrin, my vitamins and supplements, antihistamines and decongestants... but I DO NOT LIKE TO TAKE PAIN PILLS. They signify weakness to me and even though I am a hypocondriac, I still don't like to admit that I need them to get thru the day/night.

I have people in my family who are in so much more pain and have suffered so much more pain than I probably ever will. Who the hell do I think I am to bitch about this minor pain? My brother went thru months of recovery after his accident and probably never will feel completely 100% ever again, but he does not complain. My favorite cousin has cancer, and while I am sure she is bitching about it (and justified in doing so), if I know her she is laughing in the face of the big C.

Some people are giving me all sort of advice about needing to see a chiropractor and not have surgery. Well, from what I have read and from those people who have had surgery for herniated disc, I am going to push to have surgery. If a disc is herniated, bone crunchers can't fix it, they can releave some of the tension possibly, but I would still probably have to end up having the surgery anyways, so let's just get it over with.

Well, sigh, enough of that for now, my lunch is over with.

In His Loving, Painfree Arms...

Charlie taking Inititive

Charlie is a special child. I start by saying this because I love him even with all the disheartening things that we have been thru, I do love my child. He has been in school since he was about 8 months old. That is a long time for a 15 year old child and it is not because he is accellerated or a high achiever and in college now! He is "developmentally delayed" and it was noticed when he was 8 months old, so we were told to get him into school for handicapped children, in a program called Preschool Intervention. It was one on one with physical and occupational therapists, and speech therapy was introduced later.

I can say it has been a struggle, dealing with a DD child, and a husband with drug and alcohol addiction, along with my own emotional troubles and depression. I can also say that if I had a chance to do it all over again, I would NOT. Not because Charlie is tough to deal with, but more so because I am not the parent that I would like to be. I want to be patient, loving and kind, attentive and nurturing, and I am rarely any of these, and certainly not all of them even... I want to be involved more with him, but find that his interests and mine are not compatible. He only wants to talk cars and stereos, and stereos in cars! This is part of his disease, but it drives me absolutely, totally crazy, and I tend to tune him out most of the time, which really angers him when I do not answer the way he wants or thinks that I should.

I digress from what I intended to write about so I am going to turn back to it.. ;0)

Charlie was enrolled in Biology, which at the school he is attending is a required 10th grade course. Charlie already took Biology and so needs to get into a different science class. I told him that I would have to contact his councelors and talk with them about getting this change. He apparently took it on himself and went in and made an appt to talk with them about this. I am so proud of him. He took inititive!! He wanted to be at school early today in order to get in there and talk with them, and I am sure that he was able to take care of it all by himself, with no mom intervention.

Sigh. My boy is growing up and gaining responsiblity. It sure takes a load off my shoulders.

In His Loving Arms...