Sitting on a Bus Bench....

Remeber the old Jethro Tull song Aqualung?...

Sitting on a park bench --
eyeing little girls with bad intent.
Snot running down his nose --
greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Drying in the cold sun --
Watching as the frilly panties run.
Feeling like a dead duck --
spitting out pieces of his broken luck.

Well, I have that first line going thru my head when I am SITTING ON THE BUS BENCH...

Last week I went to the store down the road, I take the bus there and then home again loaded down with my purchases.

While sitting there last week, it was dark already, and I was playing my cell phone.. you know like video games on the phone? and this car slows down as it passes by. This is nothing strange in and of itself because there is the turn into the grocery center right there, but this one stopped before the turn off.

I didn't pay much attention, figured they needed directions or a job flyer that was in the boxes by the bench. Two women approached me saying "Hi, my name is Sister So-And-So, and this is Sister Whats-Her-Name. We are missionaries with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Have you heard about our church, we would like to share with you."

I barely looked up from my phone, shook the woman's hand, and politely told her "Thanks but I have a church, have a nice night." They smiled, sort of, a little, grumbled a little, got back in their car and drove on to find the next lost person to convert.

As the women got in their car to people approached the bench and asked "what did they want?" and I told them, "They were going to tell me about their church, but I told them I have one already. I don't need a church. I NEED A CAR."

I sort of sat there the next 10-15 minutes til the bus came, chuckling to myself every few moments thinking about what I must look like sitting there for these two women to take the time and "save" this poor, pathetic women sitting there. I was dressed my usual style, which some have said resembles a bag-lady at times, jeans and shirt, I think I was actually wearing a nice new sweater that night; tennis shoes complete my outfit. I never wear make up, and my hair is very "wash and dry" friendly.

I was wondering if they stopped at every occupied bus stop, even the ones with the OBVIOUS homeless people, ones with the carts full of their possesions, multiple layers of clothing, ratty hair with the beanie pulled low, muttering to themselves. Do they stop and talk with the kind of men who are represented in the Jethro Tull song?? Or do they just stop and talk with the ones who are not quite as scary?? The maybe not homeless people but "look at that poor thing sitting on the bench" type of people.

The kids when I said the women were talking church wondered if they cared so much, maybe they should have asked me if they could give me a ride home??? I chuckled at that too.

BTW - out of the past 15 days that I could have ridden my bike to work I have done so 11 days!! Whoo-pee!! That's 66 miles in 3 weeks

I forever remain,
In His Loving Arms

Day 5 and counting....

Today was the 5th day biking to work in the past 8 days!! 3 miles each direction x 2 ways x 5 days = 30 miles biked so far!!

I actually made it up the overpass on the way home today, without stopping to walk, but I had a strong north wind blowing behind me. I am still counting that as a great challenge overcome, at least for today.

Yesterday on the way home I had to do the old "Make Note to Self" thingy about eating then biking. I stopped at Qdoba and got a burrito, chips and salsa, and a couple glasses of tea, for dinner. This was about at my half way point and I figured, why not, I haven't tried their food yet and I am right here... so I ate...

Then I rode...

Not so comfy on the belly doing that... So, next time, and yes there will be a next time, I will have to either eat less, or eat and then wait for a while looking in shops or something, before getting on the bike.

I have to say that my knees are still feeling a bit blown out, hurts to walk, but I know the old adage --no pain no gain--?? Is it worth it? I suppose if I keep it up it will be, as I have been told that the pain the knees will deminish, especially if the fat goes. Biking hopefully will make this happen.

---------

A friend/co-worker saw me leaving work yesterday and asked me why I was riding my bike. I had to explain to him that my car broke down months ago and I have been riding the bus, but with the weather clearing up decided to ride my bike. He asked if I was lookinng to buy a car because he saw one at the tow-shop the other day for a decent price. I told him "Actually, I stopped looking for a car. The price of gas, insurance, registration, and maintenance is too much now"

Something to think about....

Biking...

I have finally had my son fix my bike tire... yes I know I should learn how to do it myself... but I am not ready to be that independant yet!

Last week I rode it to work three days. Let me first say that on Monday last week I was late for work because the first bus that I take did not show and the 2nd was 30 mins after that one was suppose to pick me up. So, I was late to work! The down side of riding the bus I guess.

So, Monday night Charlie fixed the tire and on Tuesday and Wednesday I rode to work. My tushy was very sore and my knees felt like I had been doing the long jump for a week. The ride is about 3 miles each way and I only have one freeway overpass to trudge up. Tuesday morning was the only time that I actually RODE all the way up without stopping and walking the bike up. I figure that one of these days I will be conditioned enough to do it on a regular basis, but I'm not ready for that quite yet.

I took Thursday off as a rest my tush day and almost talked myself out of the ride on Friday, but forced myself. I did a tug of war with myself mentally in order to do it though. I ended up waiting until I knew my bus had come and gone and then I had to ride in order to get to work on time!! But I did it.

This morning -- Monday -- I rode again. I walked the bike over the freeway and made the 3 mile ride in 24 minutes. I timed myself this time. I am not in a hurry to get to work as I give myself plenty of time, but I am going to start keeping track in order to see if I do better. I noticed this morning I was not huffing and puffing like I had last week, so that is a definate sign of progress.

I am kinda worried that with summer coming along I will say "it's too HOT to ride my bike" but I am going to force myself to ride to work when it is cool, then I will HAVE to ride in order to get home, in the heat. Good plan? I will find out soon, as the temp is surely rising as we get closer to June.

On another note, we are getting closer to June. That means my baby will be turning 17!! argh... Is it possible ?? Thank God that he has not passed his drivers test, the written one anyways. I am dreading him driving, and dreading the cost of him driving more so.

Prayers please that he will NOT pass when he takes the test again this coming Saturday! <>

For ever leaning on His loving arms...

Friends or Not??

I always have questions going thru my brain about who is my friend and who is not. I know it sounds a bit juvenile but there it is. I tell myself that things like that really do not matter, but you know what? THEY DO.

I work in a call center and talk to hundreds of people a week and it amazes me how many people do not have anyone they feel they can turn to, to ask a favor.

So, I put myself in that postion.

• If I need to borrow a cup of sugar.. who would I call?
• If I need to borrow a car...who would I call?
• If I need to cry on a shoulder... who would I call?
• If I need a ride to the doctor, or store, or just home on a pouring down rain day... who would I call?

That then leads into the question... If I call, would they come? **Similar to the "If you build it, they will come"**

Then there is the question of, if they are my friend, and know I need something, would they just offer without my asking?

I bring all this up because the past couple days have been rainy. Monday it was raning in the morning and beautiful when I left work. I was a bit wet when I arrived to work, that was ok. I didn't mind the wait for the bus in the afternoon because it was gorgeous. Yesterday, Tuesday, it was nice in the morning, and POURING when I left work. I don't like to ask for a ride too often, and the people I usually would ask have recently shown they are friends/acquantances, but not friend/friends...

So, I was waiting to see if either one would think to say... Gee it is pouring, I should see if Michelle needs a ride home today. Neither offered, and both drove by me as I was walking in the downpour to the bus stop.

So.... there I am with this question going thru my brain...

Murder in the Burbs

This past Tuesday I got home from work and then set out for the grocery store. I was to catch the 5:50 bus #86 which would take me the few miles to the store. No trouble, the bus was a few minutes late but that was ok. I did a few stretches and curb-steps. Got on the bus and went to the store.

Now, mind you, I cant get a lot at the store because I have to carry what I get. The actual shopping took about 20 minutes total, standing in line about 7 more. I walked out to the bus stop. As I got closer the bus pulls up... I began to rush more because I was almost there, and if I missed the bus I would have to wait another 30 mins for the next one. Luckily the driver saw me and was kind enough to wait. Some don't. I climbed the steps, dropped my bags and hurried to find my bus pass in my bag... thanking the driver the whole time. Then I sat with a plop in the first seat. Luck was also on my side that the bus was not full of people and I did not have to search for a seat with all my bags.

I then organized the groceries. Put most of the items into my backpack/purse/bag thing. It is just easier to carry the load on my back rather than hanging from my arms.. Sigh.. I was ready to get home.

The bus was almost to my stop, I had just pulled the bell signalling my stop as next and I want to get off. The bus slowed in front of the complex. The stop is the next complex. I heard the bus driver say "What's going on????" Then I looked out the front window of the bus and ...

The entire road was blocked off with police cars, emergency vehicles of all sorts. Lights flashing, flares burning in the road. People sort of milling about. I told the driver I could just get off here because he was right in front of my apartments. I gathered my things and left the bus, looking towards the police vehicles, etc.

There was a security guard (for my complex) standing at the entry gate. I asked him "What happen? Did someone get hit by a car?"... this was the first thing that popped into my mind because there are always kids (and adults like me) who run back and forth from one side of the road to the other. And the cars fly down the road well over the posted speed limits.

The guard answered "No someone got shot."
"Oh ... My... God... " I answered, "are they hurt bad?"
"Yeah, dead."
"Was it a drive-by?"
"Don't know.. but there were about 8-10 shots fired, and he was dead when the police arrived"

I was a bit freaked out. I was gone for about 30-35 minutes, and someone got shot while I was at the store, and he was shot in pretty much the location I was standing for the bus. I walked quickly to the apartment and asked Charlie if he had heard any gun-shots. He hadn't but he listens to his music/tv loudly. I told him what was going on. He was on the phone with Grandma at the time and I grabbed his phone, told her what was going on, and asked her to check the tv to see if I had anything on it, because it was 630 and local news was on. She said nothing reported on the news about it yet.

Well, turns out the person who got shot was a 17-year-old kid. This boy went to school with my son, was in a class with him last year. Charlie knew him but not too well. The newspapers say that he was on the football team. Charlie said the rumor at school was that this boy had been in a few fights recently. Don't know what about or why, and that really does not matter anyways... Charlie said that apparently someone he had been in a fight with had shot him, other rumors were that the other kids father shot him... I don't know if anyone has been arrested or not.

My big concern here is our youth are not handling things. They have stress and problems in their life the way adults do, and maybe even more so. Charlie is always talking about revenge. We see it on tv. We read it in books. But, I always tell Charlie.. the answer is not in revenge. It doesn't solve anything but makes things worse. I tell him it is ok to be mad, angry, pissed.. but that he needs to deal with it because not everything in life is great, wonderful, perfect; he needs to deal with things as a child because he will need to know how to deal with the same type of things as an adult. AND REVENGE IS NOT THE ANSWER. It can only hurt others and yourself.

I wondered last night as I was talking with my dad about it if the person who fired that gun is feeling guilt and remorse. How is that person living with the fact that he took the easy road by pulling that trigger and killed another human being. It was a swift, probably in the heat of the moment, decision. What is he thinking about now, after the fact? Does he now regret the actions that will alter his life completly and has already altered the lives of so many others.

Not only did his actions hurt the person that he killed. It affected that persons family and friends. It hurt the neighborhood, schools and businesses nearby. It hurt the city and state and even the country. It is another wound of history. It may have only received a few short paragraphs in the local paper, and none in "world news"... but the affects are like that of throwing a rock in a puddle... It ripples and vibrates...

.... In His Loving Arms

Knitting

I have been knitting a new afghan/lap robe. I started it in one pattern/stitch which I really like, but I got bored with it after a while.... So, I got out my Encylopedia of Needlework and found another easy stitch that I could incorporate... So I have 44 rows of the first pattern, then about 30 rows of the new pattern, then it goes back and forth... I really like the way it looks!

I have been making a lot of afghans in the past few months. It is nice to do on a cold day/evening. I crochet as well as knit. I have completed 3 and currently working on 2 others. I have given 2 away already. I don't know what I will do with the ones that I am working on or the 1 that has been finished already. Thinking about building up stock and sell them at craft shows next Christmas, but I like to give them away too much!!!... I love to see the faces of those who are getting them. The true appreciation on their faces is worth more than any money in the world. But..... I would like to sell some and see if I can turn a little profit!

Knitting and Crocheting,
In His Loving Arms

Holy Attitudes

I went to a new Bible study last night, at my new church. There were about 15 women there. We were not the only group meeting in the church last night, but were one of 4 groups total. One was another church group, one was a praise team practicing their music and the other was an Al Anon. Our group was being talkative and apparently loud. One woman from another group came and shut the door, explaining that we were noisy. She was not rude or having any bad attitude.

A couple of the women in my Bible group grumbled about "we were here first" meaning "it is OUR church and you are here by our grace" ... the other woman had already shut the door, so this was not said to her face. I still felt awkward about the grumbles. The situation was repeated to others who had missed out on it.

Our regional minister a few months ago addressed "Holy Attitudes/Manners" addressing this sort of attitude. I was one of the people who was "singled out", not by name but by deed and I recognized myself in it and so I have been trying to adjust myself accordingly. I felt very awkward indeed, but kept silent. There was also a lot of other bits of tension in the group. I don't know if I will be going there again. Maybe I will give it another try next month and see if things are different.

In His Loving Arms

The Jagged Edge

Well, this past Sunday, after church during Fellowship I was eating a donut hole. Just your ordinary chocolate donut hole. It was nice and soft and chocolatly. Then I hear a crunch sound! There are walnuts in this donut?? So, I fish the "walnut" out and find to my surprise it is part of one of my teeth. In fact, as I have learned today, my tooth #19.

This is a tooth that has been giving me just a little bit of tenderness for a few years now. I had a cavity which was filled about 30 years ago and I guess it was worn out. My tooth cracked at the gum line and just broke off. No prob thought I. Same thing happened with the matching molar on the right side of my mouth a few years ago. Got that one fitted with a temporary crown and in a couple weeks when the new, permanent crown came in, I was good as new.

Well, Monday I went to the local dentist that I have been planning on setting an appt with sometime soon anyways. No, appt just figured it was kinda an emergency. Took the day off work and everything. Big mistake. The dentist was not expected to be in until the afternoon, may be able to fit me in, so come back after 1. So, I took the bus to work and checked my emails, checked with my insurance (new year new plans), got all the information to put on the stack of forms that I got from the dentists office. I took the bus back to the dentist.

I walked into the office and a different person was behind the counter, so I explained that I had been in earlier and was told to come back this afternoon. She said yes she was told, and sorry but the doctors morning "meeting" ran longer than expected and he has cancelled all of the appts scheduled for the afternoon and the next avail appt would not be until Wed. morning 9am. Would that be ok? Well, really what choice did I have, I made the appt. I took Tuesday off and then Wed (today) also. Seemed like a good thing to do as the jagged edge of the filling is cutting into my tongue.

Went back to the Dentist this morning, my how things have changed since I last went to a dentist (has been about 2 years). Everything is computerized. The xray machine used a sensor instead of film and the xray showed right on the computer monitor just seconds after being taken. The informational computerized lesson about the new xray system says that it emits 90% less radiation than the old type, plus does not harm the atmostphere with any harsh chemical products.

Then the dentist came in a took a look at my mouth with an oral camera. Took a lot of pictures of different angles which he placed in a file on the computer. Told me to smile even for the camera and put that there for me to look at. He showed me a couple other computerized lessons about old fillings and how they usually only lasted about 10 years (remember mine are 30 years old), and how with heat/cold they expand/contract within the tooth, and allow bacteria etc to get into the tooth and eventually will cause more decay and tooth failure.

One of the lessons was about the new technology which allows the dentist to take a computer picture of the toothsite and get accurate measurements for a crown; explained how the crown was made completely in another machine; was adhered to the bone in the mouth, etc.

Oh, yeah another lesson was about the oral camera. After each of the "lessons" the doctor proudly said "What do you think about THAT!?!?!?" I must say I was very impressed, and getting more and more worried about the cost of this little visit. I was already told it would be about $1,100 (my yearly dental max is $1,500).

After looking at my mouth for a couple minutes I was told that because my tooth broke off at the gum line there is nothing to adhere the crown to and I need a procedure called "crown lengthening" but would have to go to another Doctor for that process. I was given a referral slip and told that the other office was just a quick walk away. I was also given the impression that I would be able to have the procedure done today and then get the crown fitted etc.

NOT! I filled out a registration form (everything is on computers or stylus) and was told I can sit down and wait for my consultation. The office I was sitting in was for "Surgical Arts"-- the doctor apparently does a lot of cosmetic surgury, but also oral surgury/dentistry -- molars removed, tmj, and crown lengthening" !! But, if I ever want to get liposuction or a breast augmentation, now I know where to go!

I waited about an hour or so before talking with the doctor, a very nice man and he looked in my mouth, explained the procedure, took heath background notes, and then had me sign a release form which explained the hazards of oral surgury. The release form was also computerized, with a stylus contraption.

Then I was able to make an appt for NEXT WEDNESDAY (oh they close at 330 at this office) for the latest appointment which is 230pm. I also found out that my insurance covers only about $150 of the surgury and my out-of-pocket will be about $360. I had to pay $14 for my portion of the consulation. I don't know what amount will be paid by insurance for the actual crown and dental appointment for earlier today, etc. Luckily I have some money that I put aside for Charlie's orthodontic work, which will be coming up soon.

After I left the Surgical Arts office I walked back to the dentists office and let them know my appt for the lengthening is next week and so when can I come in for the crown. They said that I would have to wait about 2 weeks after before I could get the crown made/fitted. So, that appt is scheduled for Jan 31. Sigh.... this has been a really long and draining week already, and now I have to wait another 3 weeks with this jagged edge in my mouth. But, I am sure it will be lovely to look at when it is done.

I think that I will have the Doctor take a picture of the final crown so that I can frame it and put it on the wall. It will be a work of art worth about $1,750 when all is said and done.

But, as always I am....

In His Loving Arms

Oxygen

Just a generalized blog today... a thought I have been thinking...

About a year or so ago I was watching the news... The reporter was talking with an elderly man who had a disease like bronchitis or emphysema. The man with all seriousness said that he was told that he should have an oxygen canister to take around with him so that he can get enough oxygen... he refused.

His reason?? -- He did not want to get "hooked" on the stuff.

Unbelievable but true.

Now, I am all for the intent behind the statement, not wanting to be "hooked" on drugs or alcohol, but seriously, I am really, really glad that I am "hooked" on oxygen.

Think of the alternative... !!

40th Birthday

Sunday I turned 40... this has been a traumatic year for me and I was really NOT happy to be 40... never have I felt so traumatized by a year, and I have always felt people who worry about their age to be, well, truthfully... STUPID. or at least crazy!!~

So, it was with a great deal of trepidation that I approached the dreaded day. Thursday a couple of my co-workers decorated my desk (last year it was done after my birthday) and I was pleased. Friday, two other co-workers gave me gifts... things they had in their desks, re-gifting -- but that they though to give me something almost makes me cry, even while I am writing this tears are forming... one gift was three beautiful bracelets, and the other is a Kings lapel pin...

Friday night Ginger and I went to Girls Night Out at Table of Grace church in Elk Grove and had a great night of fellowship, and meeting new people

Saturday my son fixed my bike so that I can ride it to work if I feel like it, and he had to do it twice because the first time he pumped the tires up too much and one burst. He went to Walmart twice for me... then we went riding in the dark, after he replaced the tube for the 2nd time.

My dad surprised me at church by showing up. We had arranged to go to lunch after church, he said he had to read scripture at Fairview, and I was joing FCC Sacramento. He got to FCC before church to surprise me and spend the day together. We went to Red Lobster and had lunch and he took me to the store to stock up on things that I cant buy/carry from the corner store.

I had a really good Birthday... and the sky did not fall!

In His Loving Arms

Updates

Last night my son's father called him and told him that he had found a place to live that was in town. The place, thankfully, is across town and not in the complex I live in. However now the question is .... will Charlie move in with his father or stay living with me? Charlie really wants to live with dad and I understand that. There are times that I really want him to, but I know his fathers history, and it has not been great. Charlie now is thinking about if he will have to change schools, etc. I did let him know that if he lived with his dad that he can still go to school where he is at, as dad will have to drive that direction to get to work anyways... Don't know if he is happy with this information or not.

Also, last night Charlie and I walked to the corner corner shopping center and had dinner at the Round Table there. We also checked at the grocery store and bike shop for a bike pump. Charlie had a few guys who were hanging around the place say hello to him and give him the "head nod" hello. He did say hello back but then he wanted to be no where around his mom, too embarrassed to be seen in public with MOM! I found it quite amusing.

On another note, after reading my blog about falling one of my friends called me up and asked if I wanted a ride home yesterday. I was grateful. She asked to remain anonymous. She even got off work 30 minutes before I did and waited around til I was off work! So nice.!! Thank you!

My supervisor also lives near me and offered to give me a ride when she was able. This morning she saw me standing at the bus stop and stopped for me. That is a savings of $2.25 each time I don't have to ride the bus! Plus, more importantly, a savings of over 30 minutes bus riding and walking from the stops!

See things work out. And as the song that was playing in the car this morning says Can't give up... Can't give in... I don't have permission from God to quit.

Always reminded that I am

In HIS Loving Arms...

walking is difficult

I fell this morning, walking from the bus stop to work.
I was stepping up on a curb, it was wet, my feet were wet and I mis-stepped a bit short of the actual spot which would have been ok.
My foot slipped off the curb and I went down like a huge tree on my left side. You should have seen me pop back up. I didn't know that I could move that fast on my own!
Now I ache all over... I hate beening physically dysfunctional, and old (40 in 19 days)... yuck!
Other than that, I am doing ok.

Lemons/Lemonade?

I have been trying to make Lemonade from lemons. If you know the saying then you don't need an explanation, however for those who don't know it: When life gives you a lemons, make lemonade = take the bad stuff you have been given and make a happy face, turn things around and make the bad into good.

There are certainly days when I feel like I just cant go on with life. Those are the days that I don't get out of bed, don't get dressed, don't want to go to work or church, certainly don't want to interact with any other people, especially any people who are either happy or sad, doesn't matter... you get my drift? I know that I am not the only one in the world with depression nor am I in this alone.

I luckily have God and I know that God understands and will wait for me on those days, with his arms outstreched, waiting for me to turn to him and let him take my burdens and worries. I just have to get use to holding my hands out, open my clenches fists (and jaw) and unburden myself, giving my troubles to Him.

Now, people are a bit less understanding, don't understand why I have the need to curl up in the fetal position and rock myself to sleep, or lay in bed playing PSP games. I don't have to think about things when I am doing both of these. I can be blessedly unaware of life around me.

I have been moving, and while I know that not many people actually like to move, I really hate it. I have boxes that have not been unpacked in probably 10 years, or have been unpacked and repacked into newer, more sturdy boxes. I think I hate unpacking way more than I do packing. So, after a week of being in my new apartment, I have not done much. I have unpacked what needs to be for the moment, getting by with little rather than a lot. I have been told that when I am ready I will unpack and get organized. I don't really know when I will be ready, but I am sure "they" are right.

Please keep me in your prayers.

I am forever and ever,

In His Loving Arms

Moving on...

Well, I have applied for and been accepted to move into an apartment complex which is near work and school.

I still don't have a car, but I have a bike, and the apartment is on the bus route. I figure that I can make it work out for me. Others feel like I really have to have a car to survive. I admit it scares me to think how will I get things done, like going to the doctor, or grocery shopping. I am close enough to the store, not my first choice of store but it will work, to walk. I told my dad that I would have to buy a "bag lady cart".. one that I can put my groceries in and wheel home behind me! He said he has one in the garage at his house that I can use. He said it worriedly. (is that even a word?)

I figure that I have family and friends and they will be able to come over and visit me every once in a while, right? I could then have them help me out with larger shopping excursions, like when I need to get Cat Litter and Cat Food.

It is going to be really touch and go though. I am a compulsive shopper normally, and so this move will help me in that, because I would not be able to buy what I could not get home. This is a good thing because with having to pay rent, gas, electric, etc. I will not have much money to buy things with anyways.

Charlie is already talking about where he can get a job at, and how far it would be for him to ride his bike to. He really is eager to start working, so that he can fix up his VW which is currently sitting idle at grandpa's house. I think I will have to get it registered and moved to the apt complex, that way I will at least have a car handy if needed.

The one thing that I am really nervous about is the fact that Charlie's father is now talking about getting an apartment in the same complex. I really don't want him that close. If he lives in another complex in the area that would be fine by me but I really don't want him in the SAME complex. Is that horrible of me or ?? But, at least that way Charlie would be able to see him, which is not really happening right now.

I have taken the day off work in order to pack things at my Dad's house, and also to hopefully go "in search of... " a sofa and living room furniture. If you may recall I got rid of pretty much everything when I moved out of my house. I reallllllly want to get a new bed for myself and one for Charlie too. Charlie said he does not want a new bed, he likes his bed and is excited to be able to sleep in his old bed again... but I think that at 16 he needs to at least have a full size bed. I would like to get him one of those Captain Storage type beds with the drawers under it for storage? Hopefully to keep stuff off of the floor of his room. Actually I wouldn't mind having one of those myself.

I really want a bed that has a new mattress. I have not had a "new" bed in, like, forever. When I first moved out of my dad's place when I was 17 I used an old bed, don't know where from. Then when I moved to Orange County I slept on the old couch for a while, then when Sonny and I moved into an apartment I bought a king size bed from a yard sale in the complex. The next bed we got from friends from Church when they got their new bed... and that one I am still using. I wake up aching and in pain because it is so horrible at this point. I want to spend a decent amount of money and get a Therapedic?? The kind that will form to your body and releave pressure points "for a better night's sleep."

Ok, I am now just rambling on about everything, so I really need to get going and move some more stuff out of the storage unit. That unit costs $85/month. Once I get it cleaned out --cha-ching-- money in the pocket (or for rent and food etc).

In His Ever-Lasting, Loving Arms

sigh

i think i mentioned that my car died... it will take more money to fix it than i paid for it in the first place, so i will not be fixing it.. therefore as that was the way that i was able to get to and from work etc, i need to either 1) find a new very cheap car or 2) find a place to live that is close to work and Charlies school.... trbl with all that is the same trbl with my life, bad credit... i have applied for an apt. which is right across the street from the school and only a few miles from work, thinking that i could either ride the bus or my bike.. however they turned down my application.. so now $30 less in my account, i have to look for another apt... my hopes have been dashed and i am very frustrated with my life...i told charlie today that we will have to register his vw bug so that i could drive it.. he then lamented the rest of the drive into town over the fact that it is his car, his dad would not want me to drive it, he is never going to get his drivers permit or licence... and that he is therefore the laughingstock of life bec he is going to be over 17 before he can drive HIS CAR...

sigh...

remaining firm in
Jesus' loving arms

Children's Church

Yesterday I really did not want to wake up and go to church. Friday evening I had already decided that this was going to be a sleep in til noon BOTH days weekend. Then when I got home I had a "gift" from Ginger. It was the children's church program book and dvd for Sunday. I had totally forgotten that I had agreed to lead it this week because Ginger was going to her cousin's baby shower.

So, I put it in my room to look at later. Saturday was later and I went thru the booklet for the October 8th lesson and it gives a lot of different options to do, ranging from the ages of 5-13. I picked out a couple of things that would work well with the children that have been coming to church recently.

None of them showed. The only children were Ginger's and they are much above the age range material that I picked out, but oh well, I was going to stick with those items. I did lose their interest a bit and while I think they did learn from the lesson, I know they were not there completely, especially towards the end of the 45 mins we had. I had at that point put on the DVD portion, and lost them, because I did not have a remote control for the DVD playter. I had to search thru the disc to find the 2 parts of the lesson. We only watched the one "station" once, and it was boring even to me.. the kids played with their blocks, building Bible story towns.

The song came on for the lesson "Jesus is the Messiah" done to a rock tune, and the youngest child did start singing the song and wiggling himself about a little. But, the older one was not acting like he even heard the song.

I must say they did put together a great block city. And they like the conversation cube activity -- a paper die with questions on each side. It was good until a question that had already been answered came up... then that went to the side of the table too. I tried, but I am really not a great teacher, not very exciting. But, we made it thru, and maybe they learned something new today... I can hope so.

In His Loving Arms

Death of a Car

My car died this morning. Actually not all the way. More like it has liver or kidney failure.

I was on this huge merging turn from southbound I-5 going on to eastbound I-80 in Sacramento, and hear a very loud POP. Then my car kind of lost breath, with a whoosh; my foot on the gas lowering giving the car more gas, but the car slowing and chugging. This is a very dangerous curving on/off ramp and I was more than a little scared, as cars and big-rigs were rushing by my poor car. I fumbled with the hazard lights, and tried to keep to the right, in the break-down lane.

My son said it seemed like maybe a belt had broke. The car has a serpentine belt that runs everything, and it has been changed quite recently.... thought "maybe?..." So we carefully got out of the car and checked the belt. It was fine, so we got back in the car. I didn't feel safe sitting there so, cautiously limped the car forward...crossing over an off ramp lane, continuing to go towards Charlie's school exit at Truxel.

If you have ever been in this area you know that it is dangerous at the best of times. So, with morning traffic rushing around me, I prayed a little prayer, and pressed the gas, chugging along, eventually getting over to the right lane once again (passing over two on-coming lanes of traffic). I eventually got off the freeway at Truxel and was able to pull over in a relatively safe place, right across the street from my son's school's baseball field.

We just sat there, I was trying to figure out why I even woke up this morning. I had Charlie call his father and tell him that we broke down... but Charlie just dialed and handed me the phone. I really did not want to call my estranged husband for help. Didn't really know what he could do to help me anyways, because I knew my car was dying. He actually came and looked under the hood and said he thought the trouble was with the cam-shaft (whatever that is) and lifters. I thanked him and told him he could leave me and go on to work. He did offer to drive me to work so that I would be able to call a tow truck from there. I declined and used my cell phone to call Geico, after I searched thru every paper in my glovebox more than once.

The lady at Geico was very nice and called a tow truck which came relatively quickly. I only had to wait about 20 more minutes. By this time Charlie had long gone, walked the short distance to school; I was already late for work and was able to get excused time off because it was slow. I rode to the shop (in the tow truck), that was near my work and came recommended to me.

I then walked the block or two to work, getting there around 9:00 and started work. By noon I had not heard from the shop about my car so I called them to find out the damage. I was told the transmission had blown and that the estimated repair costs would be around $3400.00, more or less.

Y-I-K-E-S

So.... I have been on the phone for my lunch and last break, calling around getting other quotes, and they are not good. So now I have to figure out if my car is worth spending the money on... There are so many other things wrong with it.

Windshield is broken, with a crack going from side to side.

Air-conditioner needs to be completely replaced -- estimate of $750.00.

Front passenger side window will not roll up (almost winter -- rained last night)... and its electric.

Front Drivers side window occastionally does the same.

My radiator is not holding water like it should and needs to be replaced... I have to check it often, because it tends to drain and I can smell the radiator water smell when sitting at a light.

I am sure there are more things but I am too tired to think of them right now...

Oh yeah, the lighter plug in shorts out and blows the fuse which operates the interior lights/automatic door locks/etc.

So, I am going to pray long and hard about my options and see what comes of it.

I am always...
In His Loving Arms.

Paul, Part 2

Well, a very exciting weekend has just passed. My friend from high school and I got together (very briefly) and saw each other for the first time since June 1984 (graduation). He was part of a function happening in town and said I could drop by and check things out if I wanted to.. I did!

I took my 16 year old son and his friend and we headed towards town. Butterflies had taken up residence in my tummy, fluttering here and there. There were actually a couple times when I thought about turning the car around and going back home or just going to a mall, anything but what I was planning... quite nervous.

We arrived around 3pm and I let the kids roam around. I looked at every tall man to see if that was Paul. I had seen a picture, which he even claimed was not the greatest, so I really didn't know who I was looking for... and there were a lot of people. Finally after about an hour I saw someone who I thought might be him, but I really didn't know for sure, and didn't want to walk up to someone and say "Hi" if it was not him.

That moment passed and I did not see that man again, he had walked into a crowd. So, I pulled up my "big girl pants" and sent a text message to his cell phone number, then waited, and waited, and waited some more. During this time my son was sending me goofy test messages, and I was getting irritated. Finally the call came that I had been waiting for. It was Paul.

He was not there. Not in the building. Sigh. But, he was on his way back, he had to leave to get something and was about 10 minutes away. He told me that his hair was shorter than in the picture I had seen, and that he now wore glasses, and that he would be coming in the front door in a few minutes.

I sat close to the front doors of the establishment, but not too close. Didn't want to look to anxious. Mind you there were people coming in and out those door, mostly kids, but every once in a while was an adult. I would look at each man as the doors opened... nope this one was too old, this one was too short, too young, wrong race, etc... Those few minutes seemed like eternity.

Finally there was Paul walking thru the doors. It was the same man from earlier who I didn't want to approach in case it wasn't him.

Big smile on both our faces we hugged and looked at each other and we both lied a bit -- saying "I would have recognized you anywhere".... 22 years is a long time, after all things are said and done. He looked great, same smile as forever.. it was just my old friend Paul!

Another man walked by, this one was a rocker dude, with a modified mohawk and Paul called him over. "Shawn, come here... do you remember Michelle?" It was a guy we went to junior high thru high school with. Wow... meeting up now with two people. It was almost overwhelming.

We had only about 20-30 minutes to talk because they were both very involved in the function going on.. and had only a few minutes to spare. We talked about people we had gone to school with... "remember (so and so), he's a judge now" ... "yeah and (girl) is a lawyer" ... "(she) is a teacher" ... They talked about a prank they pulled in their poli-sci class. We mentioned the teachers who we didn't appreciate as much at the time but who we really admired.

It was really great. I met Shawn's wife. His 15 year old daughter was somewhere around the building but I didn't meet her. I don't know if Paul's girlfriend or kids were around. I did introduce them to Charlie. It was mentioned that it was kinda weird that we have kids who are almost the age we were the last time we were all in the same room!

It was interesting that we all seemed to have felt to be on the fringes in high school. I wonder if all people feel that way about when the were in school? Anyways, they had to get back to the function, and Charlie was pulling on me to leave and get home. So, I hugged the two men and said how great it was to see them both. I suggested that we get together and maybe have a little mini-reunion/bull session. I would really like get acquainted with them again... so, will see how that all turns out.

I kick myself because I took my camera, then totally spaced having a picture taken. Like I said it was a little overwhelming, to say the least. My head is still reeling.

Picture of me

My son Charlie took this picture with my new cell phone... I had just arrived home from work, it was hot and he grabbed the phone and snapped this... so that explains the expression... argh... but I still like this pic anyways!

Paul

This past week I was sent an email from a person who was quite an impact on my youth. I have not heard from this man since we graduated from high school in 1984 -- 22 years ago!

I first met Paul when I was in 5th grade. I had moved from South Sacramento to a whole new universe ... Fulton/Fair Oaks area. We moved mid-year from the place I had lived all my life, new everything -- school, house, way of life, and of course no life-long friends. I am a reserved person even to this day, and back then my reserved nature caused me to be thought of as a Bitch even then to these new people.

Most of these people had their own cliques formed, with life-long friends, and here I was -- newcomer -- with no social skills.

I had a rough 10 years to start out with... my mother's dying in a car accident where she was the only fatality, living with my broken father, the nanny/housekeeper to raised us for 3 years, my fathers marriage to my 3rd grade teacher, the step-child hating the step-mother, and a brother who was a royal pain the ass and the cutie that never did any wrong. I was a very grown up 10 year old, tall and well-read. I did not fit in with the new school, or the new classmates.

My step-mother would kick me out of the house because I would just stay in and do homework and read books, but would not get out of the house to socialize, so she would literally lock me out of the house.

I would then get on my bike an ride around the neighborhood for hours, or to the library where I would read for hours. One of my frequent bike rides was past the cutest boys house -- I was a stalker at 10! I would hope upon hope that he would be outside and I would be able to talk with him or just see him. This was Paul.

He was also the tallest boy in school, I was the tallest girl. We would joke about who was tallest each saying "I am tallest" (I really was though!) When I was sitting on the bench during recess at school Paul would always come over and talk with me, see what I was reading, asking how I was, actually being interested in me and my life. I remember one time when I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, crying on the sidelines, and he came over to ask what was wrong. I told him about my mother dying, making it sound like she just had, so that he would be sympathetic. He was but then when he asked when this happened and I told him it was 5 years earlier, he basically told me it was time to snap out of it, which I needed to hear at that time. Pity party cancelled!

One of the most memoriable times was Valentines day, I think it was 6th grade. Paul brought a Valentine to my house and personally delivered it. I still have that Valentine. He was my hero. I had such a crush on Paul, which I don't think was reciprocated, but I was ok with that.

Even thru jr high and high school we still had that old connection, even tho we were in different cliques. He would stop and say hi how's it going... A very special person.

So, need-less-to-say, I was extremely happy to hear from him after all this time. I have searched on-line for any mention of him, hoping he was alive and well. I have expressed an interested in getting together to talk about life, catch up on 22 years of "stuff" ... I hope that we can retain that special friendship we had 30 years ago when we first met.

In Jesus' Loving Arms...