Slip Sliding, Again...

I am on a slippery slope, on the downhill side of it, depression-wise anyways.

Currently, I am at work. I like my job. I like when I have people around me that I can talk with. I don’t like it when they all leave and I am here alone, hearing the conversations of everyone around me. What I really hate is having a supervisor who rarely, rarely, acknowledges me, but seems to talk with everyone else.

There are days that I go without even talking with her. Certainly days when if I do not purposely go and speak with her that I would otherwise not talk with her, or really know that she was here… except that I can hear her voice over all the others.

It really, really bothers me when she sends out a commendation for another associate. It does not bother me that others are noticed for their good work, and when a customer goes out of his/her way to praise someone who helps them they should be singled out and given a “good job” pat on the head.

It bothers me because on two occasions that I know of I have had customers give me a commendation, yet I have received no “good job” pat on the head. This pat usually comes in the form of an email to the entire work group and/or a paper certificate that can be proudly displayed.
I have received neither for these two calls that I busted my hump over.

I am not one to ask the customer to praise me like some of my co-workers. I usually say “thanks, glad I could help” and then that is the end of the conversation. I know others say “thanks, let me get you my supervisor” then transfer the customer or give the supervisors email, etc.

I don’t mean to sound petty, and I know I am. It is not like I have not been acknowledged in other ways at work, but I would like notice to be given to me, based on my customer feedback.

My workplace has awarded me on quite a few occasions for being a hard worker, having pride in my job, handling tough customers, quality of service. It just somehow means more when it is a customer commendation, rather than a supervisor or peer commendation. Well, maybe not more, but it feels different.

It has been noticed by even the center manager that I am excelling at my job; a job that he told me that I was not qualified for, just a little more than 6 months ago.

On another note: my son will turn 18 in June. I am starting to really feel lonely about that, even though he basically does not live with me now. I am starting to feel panic at the thought that he will be “an adult,” he reminded me that he will be able to vote in November for the presidential race. He will have to sign up for the draft. I am worried about his job prospects, school, life beyond high school, money management skills or lack thereof. How is he going to survive out there in the real world; or, is he going to live with mom or dad forever? Or, move out and back in multitudes of times like I have had to do with my dad.

I have been wondering if my dad went through the same feelings that I am feeling. I remember myself at my son’s age and I was so much more mature than he is, but I was still my fathers child, and I am sure he felt some of the things that I feel. Hell, he still feels for me and worries about me. That is a “from the beginning of time” type of bond, parent/child.

Then I am also thinking about “what will happen” … to me when my dad dies and I am left to fend for myself. I have always thought of myself as independent, but I am not. I know that now. If I could just get back one percent of the confidence I had about my life when I was 16, then I would be ok.

In HIS loving arms…

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K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Stupid

I have never thought of myself as simple, or stupid, but in looking at my life for the past year I have been living quite simply.

I have no car, no home phone, no internet access. My phone is 13 inches diagonal, with no cable, no dish. I have rabbit ear antennae and still get only 2 stations reasonably well, channels 40 and 31. I have a little boom-box that Charlie got for Christmas a few years ago. It can play one CD, and I get only one station in clearly on it.

In order to get places I still am relying on others, whether it is friends, co workers, family, or the Sacramento Regional Transit. For shopping, I usually just pick up what I can comfortably carry home; just a few items each trip. Once in a while I have my dad take me shopping, when I load down the trunk with groceries and paper products, cat supplies, etc.

I have tried to curtail unnecessary spending, mostly because I really don’t have much to spare. Rent takes up 66% of my income (after taxes). Utilities: gas, water, garbage, electric, cell phone take up another 200. SO, I basically have about $200 a month to live on, and it doesn’t take a genius to know that I have to live simply.

Strange Night

I am really feeling crappy today. I had a strange thing happen last night that really shook me up.

I was in bed, trying to go to sleep. I was in the middle ground of being asleep and being awake, and had a form of nightmare that was really disturbing. I had the sensation of something that I would describe as paralysis, could not move, couldn’t raise my arms or swing my legs out of bed, raise myself in any way.

My eyes were open, I think, I was able to see the normal shadows on the wall, my night stand, and items there. My mind felt like it was shaking, I thought I heard chattering voices, very threatening to me. It almost felt like my eyes were twitching back and forth. The thought going thru my mind was that I was having a stroke or heart attack, because I couldn’t move or pull myself out of it. As I am writing this I am thinking “this is just sounding crazy” …

I finally was able to wake up completely and move… then I didn’t want to go back to sleep because I was afraid it would start up again.

In His Loving Arms...

Horror Scopes II

The horoscope that I resisted looking at yesterday reads:

You could be tempted to buy some rather nice or expensive things for yourself
today. But if you've given any thought to changing your spending habits lately,
now would be the perfect time to start. You might want to take the opportunity
to sort through your whole financial picture today.

WELL, I don't want to sort through my WHOLE FINANCIAL PICTURE today.
What if I do want to buy something nice and expensive for myself.
I don't want to change my spending habits.

OH, ok... I guess being broke wouldn't have been the first clue. Right??

Horror Scopes

One of many Horoscopes for me today says:

You could be getting interesting news about some developments on the work front today. And if you've been giving any thought to the subject, it might not be a bad time to think about asking for a raise. Your attention should be primarily focused on your money and personal values today.

Yesterday my fortune cookie told me:

The world will soon be ready to receive your talents.

It all has me wondering “What is going to happen??”

Just a note: the site that has my horoscope has a hyper link that is labeled: Tomorrow’s Horoscope. I really want to click on that but it seems like tempting fate. It would seem like that TV show where the guy gets tomorrow’s paper and tries to stop bad things from happening… BTW I am not going to click on that hyperlink.

Another thought: why are there so many DIFFERENT horoscopes? Shouldn’t they be redundant??

Polite Neighbors

I have some very polite neighbors, or at least if they are not neighbors then I could only hope and wish and pray that they are!!

Can you hear sarcasm in that sentence?? I'm sorry...

California is under a heavy winter storm barrage right now. They have been warning of it for a few days so I wanted to get things in order before having to batten down the hatches. Therefore, with this in mind, last night I wanted to make sure that I cleared the kitty litter box and removed the trash from the apartment.

Because it is a good thing to do I made sure as I left my apartment to lock the door behind me. Oh, also the cat decided that he wanted to brave the great outdoors too, so he whooshed by before the door shut. I let him stay out, which I do often when going out for just a couple minutes. It makes him feel good, but I digress.

I start to go around the corner of the building with my trash in hand and what do I see?? I see the back of a person, his front being facing a bush. The young gentleman was peeing.

I gasped and almost said something, and he turned his head before I had a chance to turn away. He said, very politely "OH, sorry ma'am." I decided to take the trash out a different route.

I say the people are polite because even when they are displaying bad behaviors, they are polite about it. I guess their mamma's taught them well. The guy who almost kicked in my door apologized, and so did the bush-pee'er.

I have to admit though, I am envious. There have been many times that I wish I had the ability to pee in the bushes, and you ladies know that you wish so to.

In his loving arms,

Scary Christmas

Okay, so the title is a little off, but it sounds good.

I had a really good Christmas with my family. We had dinner again at my step-mom's house. It was my dad, my brother Brian, his lady Anne and myself. Charlie spent the holiday with his father and grandmother. We had ham, candied yams/apples, green bean casserole, cranberry jello stuff and a roll. It was all very delicious, washed down with a nice white wine. I don't normally drink wine, so I was a little fuzzy by dinner time.

The Scary Christmas story actually is about the day after. Known in some countries as Boxing Day, but not observed here in the U.S.

I spent the day pretty much in my usual day off mode: in bed, napping and playing my video game. I would get up once in a while and go potty, or get a snack, then back to bed.

Around three in the afternoon I woke up to pounding at my door. It was not a nice little knock... it was POUNDING. The cat and I both bolted upright. My heart was pounding for a bit until I realized it was someone at the door.

I don't answer my door, because it usually is someone asking for money for one charity or another... or someone looking for someone else. When I have actual guests, they notify me before they show up, and they certainly don't POUND on the door.

So, I waited.

And, waited...

The POUNDING continued.

I finally got up out of the bed, wearing my typical around the house wear, shorts and a little tank top. I approached the door cautiously, looking out the patio door to see if there was anyone lurking there looking in... my blinds were not shut. I didn't see anyone. I tried to go to the door quietly. POUNDING, POUNDING.... I was just to the door and almost getting in front of it to look out the peep. B....A....N....G...... the door blew in a few inches, I literally saw daylight, and the door buckled inward.

My heart almost stopped. My first thought was that someone had shot my door, and thank GOD I was not in front of it... I looked for a hole in the door but there was none. He had kicked the door almost in. Thanks to the dead bolt it didn't open.

I have to preface this with I AM STUPID AND STUPIDER when I get upset.

I then went to the peep and looked through it to see who was on the other side of the door.

It was a big, black man, with a white beanie, carrying a backpack. I yelled through the door "I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG PLACE." He answered, "I am sorry, I am looking for my brother and he lives in apt # XX ..... " I yelled back... AS I OPENED THE DOOR, "WELL HE DOESN'T, YOU HAVE THE WRONG PLACE.... YOU GONNA PAY TO FIX MY DOOR? GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE." He apologized again and walked off.



I then went back to the bedroom and watched him walk away as I was closing the blinds, went back to the living room and closed the blinds there too. I didn't finish my afternoon nap.

and, NO I didn't call the cops, though in hindsight I should have.

In Jesus' Loving Arms

In-opportune Opportunity

I had a wonderful opportunity arise this past week, which I had to turn down.

Heather said she is looking to move, knows of a duplex that is in a nice neighborhood, but the rent would be $1200, and she needs to have a housemate. Currently my rent for my apartment is $929 per month, so $600 a month would be real nice. Seems like a slam-dunk in decisions, but of course, nothing is that simple.

It’s a three bedroom duplex, with her sister living next door. It has been recently fixed up and looks “awesome.” The third room the boys would share, she has her son part of the week, and my son is with me only occasionally lately. We both have a cat each. So, what more could I want?

I just signed a year lease for my apartment on Oct 31st. While this could pose a problem, it would be worth the monetary damages in the long run. That was my first, slight concern. Saving $329 per month on rent would be nice. I would be able to get some bills paid off that really, really need to be paid. I would be able to get cable, internet, etc. I would be able to “save” some??

My next concern was packing and moving. I hate it, hate it, hate it… don’t really know anyone who likes it, likes it, likes it. I still have a lot of the “stuff” packed and sitting around, so most would just have to be hauled away, either to the new place or the dump/trash. I know the adage that if you haven’t used it in a year, you really don’t need it. I should get rid of it, but you know – it is MY STUFF, whether or not I NEED it or not. I was telling Heather that I just have “so much stuff” – she said, “that’s good, I only have the 2 beds, clothing and not much else” or something to that effect.

The big problem is Charlie. He has another 6 month of school, and basically uses my apartment as a crash pad after school. Most days he goes to his fathers, dad picks him up from my place usually before I get home. But it is very convenient, just a couple blocks from school. If I moved he would have to take first 1 bus to the light rail station, then the train to the end of the line, then another bus from there to his dad’s apartment. He would be on the bus from 3 – 4:15 or so, which would get him to his dad’s place about 30 minutes before dad gets home.

Charlie still takes naps some days because he gets home from school exhausted. He generally uses his time at my house to eat (doesn’t eat at school during the day), rest, watch TV, basically chill out before doing homework. If he rode the bus for an hour and a half each day he would not get this relaxation time that he really needs. This change in his routine would be very hard for him to adjust to, not to mention the harm it would cause to his school-work.

I took a while to think and pray about this and then I had to make one of the hardest decisions. I had to say no to Heather.

Holly - Daze

Holly - Daze -- that period after Thanksgiving but before Christmas.

Just a note about Thanksgiving... It was really nice. My not-ex picked me up to go to his mom's place for dinner. We got there and dinner was not started but that was ok... My dad and Charlie arrived with the Ham, that got put in the oven. We played some Apples to Apples (awesome game), actually about 100 hands of the game. Then the ham was about done. Carrots and Cauliflower were turned on, candied sweet potatoes put in the oven, ham taken out and carved. Rolls were put in the oven to warm... Dinner was very delish. After dinner a game of UNO was enjoyed by one and all.

I went to my dad's after dinner, and we sat around watching TV for the evening.

Friday after we slept in, got up and went to Hometown Buffet with my brother and his lady and her son. We ate, dinner again was delish and better yet, the restaurant was nearly empty...

We got home and started playing Totally 80s Trivial Persuit... very very frustrating. 2 boys who are teens and don't even know what the 80's were, my dad who was in his 40's and barely remembers that era, and 3 of us who THOUGHT we knew EVERYTHING 'bout the 80's and DON'T.

After getting headaches from TP, we played dominoes... mucho bueno!

It was a great Thanksgiving weekend.

and it was

IN HIS LOVING ARMS

Where is the stink coming from????

For the past week or so there is a stink in my room... and I don't know where it is coming from.

If you know me and my ways, you may not be surprised by this admission. I have been living in this apartment and still have packed boxes stacked around my room. Not to mention the other stuff that is piles on and around these stacks of boxes.

At first I was thinking "maybe the cat barfed somewhere and I just haven't found it yet" ... nope, doesn't smell like ABC cat food. Then I was thinking the smell was like mold... mildew... maybe a pipe is leaking in the walls and it is permeating thru the room.

So I started walking around the room, sniffing, sniffing, sniffing, not being able to pin-point where the smell is coming from. Every time I thought I got close, I would go in for the down to the wire sniff, getting my nose into the item/area ... but everything was smelling ok... or if not ok, not moldy anyways.

Then I was thinking that something in one of the boxes was molding. I fought that idea for a few days because the obvious result of that thought was that I would need to unpack those boxes in order to find the offensive item.

With nothing on T.V. last night I decided to start in on a couple of the boxes that I thought held more promise. They had things like books (can get musty smelling) as well as some expired diet pills (smelled nasty when they were new). So, I started in. I didn't find anything that was really stinky. Ended up finding a couple of things that I had given up as long lost. Borders and PetSmart discount tags on an old set of car keys (car that died over a year ago); old wallet with expired credit cards and the full size discount cars of the aforementioned stores, along with other assorted things. Threw out the expired pills; found a bag of make up that is not more than 1.5 years old (need to throw those away too but have to sort them out first); couple of shirts I had forgotten about, TV owners manual... you know JUNK basically.

All in all I got rid of two large boxes that didn't need to be sitting around in my apartment. (2 down 20 more to go!)

But, still, I didn't find the stink.

After hauling the boxes to the trash bins, I came back in the room thinking "Ah Hah, got it" then walked in a little further and "NOPE STILL STINKY" ... then I sprayed some Bath and Bodyworks room deodorizer and went into the other room to read my book. No more looking tonight. The smell won't kill me, I have lived with worse.

This morning I went into my closet to look for a warm shirt to wear today. In order to get to the closet I had to move the portable floor fan and a hamper. They were blocking the closet so the cat won't go in it and get cat hair all over my clothing. Yes, the cat can open the closet doors even thought they are sometimes difficult for me to open... and looked down towards my feet. I have a air freshner plugged into the outlet right by the closet that I had forgotten about and noticed it was out of the scented oil it uses. So, I have the replacments in the closet and put a new one in.

As I was changing the oil, I noticed the old wick was kinda smelly. I guess when I get home tonight I will find out if that was it. Maybe the air freshner was making the air nastier because it was reminding me to change it???? Maybe there has always been this stink in my room but I have been covering it up with air freshner?????? I don't know. Something to ponder.

In His Loving Arms.

For Heather

My friend Heather told me that I needed to add something to my blog as it has been so long since I have... so this is just for you Heather.

I really don't know what to write so I will tell you about the horrible thing that Heather has done.

Heather has become an AVON represenetative and so far I have bought a lot of make up. For me, who does not wear it, any make up would be a lot. I have bought lipstick, which I generally do wear, as well as foundation powder, blush, eyeshadows, and the kicker: ANEW face lotion.

I still have not worn make up since buying all this, except maybe two or three days. I hope that as the holidays come closer that I will get more in the spirit of the season and wear some face paint, but I really doubt it.

But, at least I have some fresh, new colors, and the ANEW FACE lotion. $34 and hasn't yet made me look 21, instead of the rapidly approaching 41.

As an aside -- Happy Birthday Ginger!!

Always, in HIS loving arms...

Charlies 17th Birthday

Well, just to update the last time I posted when things were bad...

Some people that were picked for the new job at work backed out, and so I am on the new team and start training next week. The first group that is training says it is filled with a lot of technical things and quite intense, and it sounds great to me so far.

Charlie and I went to Great America and had a great time. I made him take his iPod along so that I could have some quite time to read on the 3 hr train ride to Santa Clara. He only talked about half the time. Praise be to GOD!! People who know Charlie know what I mean!!!!!

I think the walk from the train station to the entry of G.A. was a bit longer than the .3 mile that one web-site mentioned, but it was still not too bad. The weather was great that day, low 80's and breezy. The park didn't have any shows but they have plenty of rides to go on. They only had a few school groups at the park that day and not much else. I was so relieved, I had crowded parks. The longest time we had to wait was for INVERTIGO and that was maybe 15 minutes.

Click here to see the parks Thril Rides.

The first ride of the day was Top Gun which was awesome. I have to tell you I love rides that go fast, upside down, round and round. But, sometimes my body doesn't. They have a ride called VORTEX and that one has a restraint system that makes you feel like you have gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, boxed about the head, ear torn off, etc.

The ride that Charlie likes the most I think was Drop Zone. I remember going on it 20 years ago, they have changed the ride a little bit but same basic... go up, and freefall down. Description of this one is: Experience the rush of gravity as you descend 22 stories in less than four seconds on the DROP ZONE Stunt Tower, one of the tallest and most intense free-fall rides in the world. Hold on tight as your vehicle coasts down the 224-foot tower in complete safety.

Charlie was loving it, and went on probably 8 times during the day. I went on about 4 times. I don't know why. I am terrified of heights and this ride just emphasized that. Each time I got to the top I started thinking "oh God, why did I come up here!?! Oh, please get me down and don't let me do this again....... AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH..." I scream all the way down each time. 4 seconds seems forever yet not long enough.

Charlie never screams, I don't think he ever makes a noise, just holds on tight, then when the ride is over wobbles on unsteady feet, then gets back in the line to do it again.

He was starting to really feel tired around 5pm but wanted to go on Top Gun again, so we crossed the park and he made the ride 2x's more before we left. I sat and read my book, in the shade and drinking a PowerAde. When he was done, we went to one of the shops and bought little souviner's for the day, and started walking to the train station.

We had an hour to wait for the train, and Charlie was quite restless and moody because he was exhausted. The train was promptly there at 7:27p, and Charlie was asleep or at least dozing off right away.

I would say it was a GREAT (AMERICAN) DAY!! HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY CHARLIE!!!!!

Sometimes life just sucks...

Suck #1 --
Yesterday I rode the bus to work because I attend Taize prayer services at St Francis Catholic Church (26th & K) and I didnt want to ride home then quickly get to the bus to get to the church on time... I was able to get a friend to drive me from work to 4th and J where I was meeting Charlie and taking the next bus to the church. We got home around 830 and I found that my bike had a flat tire and would not hold air... again... so, today I again rode the bus.

Suck #2 -- I was told last week that my car (broken and dead) in the parking lot of my work since October, needs to be moved within this week. I haven't contacted any one about it yet and when I went to the car found that it would not turn over, battery is DEAD.

Suck #3 -- While opening the car found a couple of wasp/hornet/yellow-jacket nests in 1. the frame of the drivers door, and 2. the engine area.

Suck #4 -- BEING DUMB and trying to remove the nests with a twig, a very very short and flimsy twig.

Suck #5 -- Being stung by one of the little buggers on my wrist, not once as I originally thought, but twice; looks a little like a vampire attacked my wrists.

Good #1 -- Not allergic to said bites !!! like my father and brother are... can I say an AMEN?!? Yes, I can.. AMEN!!!

Suck #6 -- Being passed over for a new work group at my job. I am on an attendance warning, and tho 5-6 people who were chosen are also on warning, I have more seniority than any of them, and I have not gotten a good excuse why I was not chosen. If they can explain it to me, I would accept it but they are hemming and hawwing and not answering the question... other than that they had their CRITERIA and I didnt fit it. So, I say let me know the criteria so that I can IMPROVE myself.. no answer to that yet either.

Good #2 -- Charlie turns 17 !!!! TOMORROW I am going to surprise him with a great birthday trip. We are going to be up and on a Bus by 6a.m, then Amtrak to Santa Clara and we are going to GREAT AMERICA!

PLEASE GOD PROVIDE ME WITH STRENGTH, PATIENCE AND CALM, I am really in need of these right now...

IN HIS LOVING ARMS ALWAYS, EVEN WHEN LIFE SUCKS!!!

Falling off the Bike

I didn't want to post this earlier because of the damage, from my pride. Two weeks ago I mis-calculated and turn and fell off my bike. I was crossing at the overpass on Truxel going over I-80, and I had to get across two lanes of traffic which was entering the freeway. I waited for a clear spot in the traffic and went for it... got across the road ok but then hit the curb of the sidewalk. I didn't turn the wheel sharp enough and it caught up on it and I went tumbling.

Now, I don't know if you can picture it but after the sidewalk is the slope of a hill that goes from the top of the overpass down to the freeway. I thought for a second that I would be rolling down the hill but I didnt.. luckily. And, better yet, I don't think anyone saw me fall. I popped back up, brushed off and continued on my way. I bit later my elbow was stinging and I looked down to see a scratch from mid-forearm to the eblow itself, and it was bleeding a little. It was basically roadrash, but no other injuries, (excepts my ego).

It was kind of funny because earlier that day I was talking with my supervisor Deborah about where to find my body if I don't show up for a few days. This was one of the two worrisome spots in my ride home. The other was on the OTHER side of the freeway. I must have jinxed myself or something. It was actually a little funny, and I can laugh at myself about it now. I still worry about those areas but am a little more cautious now.

And, as always,

I remain in His Loving Arms

Sitting on a Bus Bench....

Remeber the old Jethro Tull song Aqualung?...

Sitting on a park bench --
eyeing little girls with bad intent.
Snot running down his nose --
greasy fingers smearing shabby clothes.
Drying in the cold sun --
Watching as the frilly panties run.
Feeling like a dead duck --
spitting out pieces of his broken luck.

Well, I have that first line going thru my head when I am SITTING ON THE BUS BENCH...

Last week I went to the store down the road, I take the bus there and then home again loaded down with my purchases.

While sitting there last week, it was dark already, and I was playing my cell phone.. you know like video games on the phone? and this car slows down as it passes by. This is nothing strange in and of itself because there is the turn into the grocery center right there, but this one stopped before the turn off.

I didn't pay much attention, figured they needed directions or a job flyer that was in the boxes by the bench. Two women approached me saying "Hi, my name is Sister So-And-So, and this is Sister Whats-Her-Name. We are missionaries with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Have you heard about our church, we would like to share with you."

I barely looked up from my phone, shook the woman's hand, and politely told her "Thanks but I have a church, have a nice night." They smiled, sort of, a little, grumbled a little, got back in their car and drove on to find the next lost person to convert.

As the women got in their car to people approached the bench and asked "what did they want?" and I told them, "They were going to tell me about their church, but I told them I have one already. I don't need a church. I NEED A CAR."

I sort of sat there the next 10-15 minutes til the bus came, chuckling to myself every few moments thinking about what I must look like sitting there for these two women to take the time and "save" this poor, pathetic women sitting there. I was dressed my usual style, which some have said resembles a bag-lady at times, jeans and shirt, I think I was actually wearing a nice new sweater that night; tennis shoes complete my outfit. I never wear make up, and my hair is very "wash and dry" friendly.

I was wondering if they stopped at every occupied bus stop, even the ones with the OBVIOUS homeless people, ones with the carts full of their possesions, multiple layers of clothing, ratty hair with the beanie pulled low, muttering to themselves. Do they stop and talk with the kind of men who are represented in the Jethro Tull song?? Or do they just stop and talk with the ones who are not quite as scary?? The maybe not homeless people but "look at that poor thing sitting on the bench" type of people.

The kids when I said the women were talking church wondered if they cared so much, maybe they should have asked me if they could give me a ride home??? I chuckled at that too.

BTW - out of the past 15 days that I could have ridden my bike to work I have done so 11 days!! Whoo-pee!! That's 66 miles in 3 weeks

I forever remain,
In His Loving Arms

Day 5 and counting....

Today was the 5th day biking to work in the past 8 days!! 3 miles each direction x 2 ways x 5 days = 30 miles biked so far!!

I actually made it up the overpass on the way home today, without stopping to walk, but I had a strong north wind blowing behind me. I am still counting that as a great challenge overcome, at least for today.

Yesterday on the way home I had to do the old "Make Note to Self" thingy about eating then biking. I stopped at Qdoba and got a burrito, chips and salsa, and a couple glasses of tea, for dinner. This was about at my half way point and I figured, why not, I haven't tried their food yet and I am right here... so I ate...

Then I rode...

Not so comfy on the belly doing that... So, next time, and yes there will be a next time, I will have to either eat less, or eat and then wait for a while looking in shops or something, before getting on the bike.

I have to say that my knees are still feeling a bit blown out, hurts to walk, but I know the old adage --no pain no gain--?? Is it worth it? I suppose if I keep it up it will be, as I have been told that the pain the knees will deminish, especially if the fat goes. Biking hopefully will make this happen.

---------

A friend/co-worker saw me leaving work yesterday and asked me why I was riding my bike. I had to explain to him that my car broke down months ago and I have been riding the bus, but with the weather clearing up decided to ride my bike. He asked if I was lookinng to buy a car because he saw one at the tow-shop the other day for a decent price. I told him "Actually, I stopped looking for a car. The price of gas, insurance, registration, and maintenance is too much now"

Something to think about....

Biking...

I have finally had my son fix my bike tire... yes I know I should learn how to do it myself... but I am not ready to be that independant yet!

Last week I rode it to work three days. Let me first say that on Monday last week I was late for work because the first bus that I take did not show and the 2nd was 30 mins after that one was suppose to pick me up. So, I was late to work! The down side of riding the bus I guess.

So, Monday night Charlie fixed the tire and on Tuesday and Wednesday I rode to work. My tushy was very sore and my knees felt like I had been doing the long jump for a week. The ride is about 3 miles each way and I only have one freeway overpass to trudge up. Tuesday morning was the only time that I actually RODE all the way up without stopping and walking the bike up. I figure that one of these days I will be conditioned enough to do it on a regular basis, but I'm not ready for that quite yet.

I took Thursday off as a rest my tush day and almost talked myself out of the ride on Friday, but forced myself. I did a tug of war with myself mentally in order to do it though. I ended up waiting until I knew my bus had come and gone and then I had to ride in order to get to work on time!! But I did it.

This morning -- Monday -- I rode again. I walked the bike over the freeway and made the 3 mile ride in 24 minutes. I timed myself this time. I am not in a hurry to get to work as I give myself plenty of time, but I am going to start keeping track in order to see if I do better. I noticed this morning I was not huffing and puffing like I had last week, so that is a definate sign of progress.

I am kinda worried that with summer coming along I will say "it's too HOT to ride my bike" but I am going to force myself to ride to work when it is cool, then I will HAVE to ride in order to get home, in the heat. Good plan? I will find out soon, as the temp is surely rising as we get closer to June.

On another note, we are getting closer to June. That means my baby will be turning 17!! argh... Is it possible ?? Thank God that he has not passed his drivers test, the written one anyways. I am dreading him driving, and dreading the cost of him driving more so.

Prayers please that he will NOT pass when he takes the test again this coming Saturday! <>

For ever leaning on His loving arms...

Friends or Not??

I always have questions going thru my brain about who is my friend and who is not. I know it sounds a bit juvenile but there it is. I tell myself that things like that really do not matter, but you know what? THEY DO.

I work in a call center and talk to hundreds of people a week and it amazes me how many people do not have anyone they feel they can turn to, to ask a favor.

So, I put myself in that postion.

• If I need to borrow a cup of sugar.. who would I call?
• If I need to borrow a car...who would I call?
• If I need to cry on a shoulder... who would I call?
• If I need a ride to the doctor, or store, or just home on a pouring down rain day... who would I call?

That then leads into the question... If I call, would they come? **Similar to the "If you build it, they will come"**

Then there is the question of, if they are my friend, and know I need something, would they just offer without my asking?

I bring all this up because the past couple days have been rainy. Monday it was raning in the morning and beautiful when I left work. I was a bit wet when I arrived to work, that was ok. I didn't mind the wait for the bus in the afternoon because it was gorgeous. Yesterday, Tuesday, it was nice in the morning, and POURING when I left work. I don't like to ask for a ride too often, and the people I usually would ask have recently shown they are friends/acquantances, but not friend/friends...

So, I was waiting to see if either one would think to say... Gee it is pouring, I should see if Michelle needs a ride home today. Neither offered, and both drove by me as I was walking in the downpour to the bus stop.

So.... there I am with this question going thru my brain...

Murder in the Burbs

This past Tuesday I got home from work and then set out for the grocery store. I was to catch the 5:50 bus #86 which would take me the few miles to the store. No trouble, the bus was a few minutes late but that was ok. I did a few stretches and curb-steps. Got on the bus and went to the store.

Now, mind you, I cant get a lot at the store because I have to carry what I get. The actual shopping took about 20 minutes total, standing in line about 7 more. I walked out to the bus stop. As I got closer the bus pulls up... I began to rush more because I was almost there, and if I missed the bus I would have to wait another 30 mins for the next one. Luckily the driver saw me and was kind enough to wait. Some don't. I climbed the steps, dropped my bags and hurried to find my bus pass in my bag... thanking the driver the whole time. Then I sat with a plop in the first seat. Luck was also on my side that the bus was not full of people and I did not have to search for a seat with all my bags.

I then organized the groceries. Put most of the items into my backpack/purse/bag thing. It is just easier to carry the load on my back rather than hanging from my arms.. Sigh.. I was ready to get home.

The bus was almost to my stop, I had just pulled the bell signalling my stop as next and I want to get off. The bus slowed in front of the complex. The stop is the next complex. I heard the bus driver say "What's going on????" Then I looked out the front window of the bus and ...

The entire road was blocked off with police cars, emergency vehicles of all sorts. Lights flashing, flares burning in the road. People sort of milling about. I told the driver I could just get off here because he was right in front of my apartments. I gathered my things and left the bus, looking towards the police vehicles, etc.

There was a security guard (for my complex) standing at the entry gate. I asked him "What happen? Did someone get hit by a car?"... this was the first thing that popped into my mind because there are always kids (and adults like me) who run back and forth from one side of the road to the other. And the cars fly down the road well over the posted speed limits.

The guard answered "No someone got shot."
"Oh ... My... God... " I answered, "are they hurt bad?"
"Yeah, dead."
"Was it a drive-by?"
"Don't know.. but there were about 8-10 shots fired, and he was dead when the police arrived"

I was a bit freaked out. I was gone for about 30-35 minutes, and someone got shot while I was at the store, and he was shot in pretty much the location I was standing for the bus. I walked quickly to the apartment and asked Charlie if he had heard any gun-shots. He hadn't but he listens to his music/tv loudly. I told him what was going on. He was on the phone with Grandma at the time and I grabbed his phone, told her what was going on, and asked her to check the tv to see if I had anything on it, because it was 630 and local news was on. She said nothing reported on the news about it yet.

Well, turns out the person who got shot was a 17-year-old kid. This boy went to school with my son, was in a class with him last year. Charlie knew him but not too well. The newspapers say that he was on the football team. Charlie said the rumor at school was that this boy had been in a few fights recently. Don't know what about or why, and that really does not matter anyways... Charlie said that apparently someone he had been in a fight with had shot him, other rumors were that the other kids father shot him... I don't know if anyone has been arrested or not.

My big concern here is our youth are not handling things. They have stress and problems in their life the way adults do, and maybe even more so. Charlie is always talking about revenge. We see it on tv. We read it in books. But, I always tell Charlie.. the answer is not in revenge. It doesn't solve anything but makes things worse. I tell him it is ok to be mad, angry, pissed.. but that he needs to deal with it because not everything in life is great, wonderful, perfect; he needs to deal with things as a child because he will need to know how to deal with the same type of things as an adult. AND REVENGE IS NOT THE ANSWER. It can only hurt others and yourself.

I wondered last night as I was talking with my dad about it if the person who fired that gun is feeling guilt and remorse. How is that person living with the fact that he took the easy road by pulling that trigger and killed another human being. It was a swift, probably in the heat of the moment, decision. What is he thinking about now, after the fact? Does he now regret the actions that will alter his life completly and has already altered the lives of so many others.

Not only did his actions hurt the person that he killed. It affected that persons family and friends. It hurt the neighborhood, schools and businesses nearby. It hurt the city and state and even the country. It is another wound of history. It may have only received a few short paragraphs in the local paper, and none in "world news"... but the affects are like that of throwing a rock in a puddle... It ripples and vibrates...

.... In His Loving Arms