Waiting for Godot

You're Waiting for Godot!

by Samuel Beckett

Many people think you're extremely dull, but you're just trying to be patient. Really patient. Patient to the point of absurdity, quite frankly. Whatever you're waiting for isn't going to just come along, so you can stop waiting. I promise. Move on with your life. Change of scenery might do you good. Heck, any scenery might do you good. In the meantime, you do make for very interesting conversation.

Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

I had to laugh when I read the blip for this. I think I am quite complex, angry, bitchy, moody, depressed, lonely, talented, but never dull. I am waiting however: waiting for money that will never come; waiting for the job I am too lazy to go out and look for because the one I would like will never pay me a decent salary; waiting for family and friends to come over (not counting Ginger and my Dad because they do visit ;0) ... and vist when I ask them to... Some things will never happen, and I should stop waiting, so that part is entirely correct. I would like to move on with my life but not sure what movement I should take, preferring to sit and cross-stitch and watch tv, until something better comes along...everything else is just to exhausting for me right now. Plus, if I was content and happy I wouldn't have anything to bitch about!

I know that God has prepared me for something, I just have not chosen to get up, get out, and get on with it. Will let you know when I find it or it finds me first.

Forever in His Loving Arms

Saturday Morning Traffic

Saturday morning I woke around 8:30 which is rather early for me on a weekend day. I decided because the temperature was expected to hit another 3-digit high I better water the lawn a little before it got too hot. I set the sprinklers and thought about going back to bed, because that is how tired I was. Instead I took a seat on my upstairs porch and basked in the summer Saturday Morning traffic, and the growing heat of the day.

Traffic is not freeway, or even busy city traffic. It is a little slower here in Nicolaus. OK OK a lot slower. It can actually be a bit on the loud side though. I live right next to the Pacific Railroad which goes from points south (Sacramento) to points north (Washington State). As this is a major train path I have one going by approximately every 10-20 minutes depending on the time of day.

We tend to get more trains during the night when trying to sleep, and strangely a lot of them on Sunday during church. As I live right at an intersection I have the train blowing its horn as a warning to all those who for some reason have not seen the flashing red lights nor heard the clanging bells.

On this particular morning I noticed maybe two or three trains in the hour that I sat there. The other traffic was much more enjoyable. There were two airliners heading to Sacramento International Airport, about 20 miles south. I am directly in the flight path both from planes coming from the north and from the east. I had one of each.

I also had a couple of smaller 1 to 2 person planes tootling around, out for a Saturday cruise. I refer to all smaller planes as crop-dusters, even if they are not. We have those also, but they tend to be closer to the ground and buzz the house, making everything rattle, and then usually are crack of the dawn early.

A helicopter was going from Roseville,probably.. heading north-west towards Yuba City, maybe. A carrier jet was heading north to Beale AFB. I could hear a dirt-bike or two at a neighbors house about 1-mile as the crow flies.

Speaking of crows there were plenty of them flying around, and also many other birds I don't know the names of. Dragon-flys buzzing close to the ground in droves, and yellow-jackets angry that I tore their nest down the night before.

Sounds of the highway a mile west of my house were faint, just a truck shifting down for the four-way red light stop.

This is the traffic that I can live with. It is soothing.

As Always, In His Loving Arms

Taking the Day Off

Today I am taking the day off.

I have been feeling sluggish, must be the heat, lack of sleep, laziness. But I just don't want to be at work today. So... that said I did wake up and drive to work. 30 mins and 22 miles later arriving to decide that I wanted to turn around and go back home to bed. I called in the vacation day and now am sitting in the computer room at work reading blogs, email, etc., and typing this. Mind you, I am still physically "at work" .. in the building.

You may be saying: go home and do this. I work for the phone company and I don't have phone service. Neither home phone or cell phone. It actually is quite (and quiet) nice, except when I want to be online. To be online I have to make use of the computers at work.

Kinda ironic. But I am about done here and will be going to the store then home in moments. When I get home I probably will decide it is cool enough to mow the lawn, which has not been done in about three weeks, so it is about knee high, and will take twice as long to do. I have a half-acre and it is only broken up by the one shade tree (see HOT HOT HOT) and a patch of 6 out-of-control grape vines. But we have a nice bit of cloud cover today and it is expected to only get to 95, rather than 105, which is what it is suppose to get to again in the next couple days.

After mowing the lawn, if I am feeling really adventurous I will get the weed-eater out. The last time I did that the darn thing won the battle and my legs were cut up pretty bad and I swore I would not use it again. But the weeds are demanding to be cut back a little bit around the edges, and it is either cut them or let them take over more than they are now, and its not a pretty sight. I really do like to have a pretty yard, but I don't like the work it takes to make/keep it that way.

Anyways, I was only going to comment on my day off and this has gotten away from me and starting to become a mini-bitch-session. So, I am going to pack it in and get the heck out of here.

As always,

In His Loving Arms

Jules the Scrapper

I was under the impression that having your cat neutered would make them less likely to get into fights with other cats. This was obviously the WRONG impression, and I don't know why I was thinking that. What?, have them fixed and if approached by another cat wanting to fight they will just lay down and take it?? No, they must grab those no longer there items and fight!

My cat was fixed on a Saturday and was not totally recovered on Tuesday when he came home injured. Jules is his name, short for Orange Julius. Well, that evening my dog, Max (a pit-bull), went running up the outside stairs to the porch where the cat was laying down. Resting I thought. NOT.

Jules starts yowling and hissing up a fit. Max is bounding and bouncing and barking, thinking this is a great new game. I am yelling at Max to leave the cat alone. I was frightened that one would be hurt and not sure which one. Finally I was able to get Max down the stairs so that I could get up them to check out why my cat was thinking of suicide off the porch, and also willing to kill the pesky dog.

The cat had a puddle of blood where he had been and was dripping more. I was not sure where from, or what from, and he was not about to let me near. Eventually able to calm Jules down a little I was able to see that his tail had been bit, it was hanging there limply, too sore to move. Hair was missing around the wound, and I could tell that the wound was starting to scab over a little, but he was not about to let me treat it. I was not foolish enough to do it by myself either, or I would be travelling to the doctors with torn skin too.

In a few days the tail was looking worse and worse, not healing, getting infected. I decided it was time to take action, and not having the Benjamins to go to the vet I grabbed a towel, grabbed the cat, and took a look. I was able to clean the site a little bit before the cat hit the ceiling and it started to get better soon after.

Since that time the cat has come home sore more than once, but at least not bleeding. I think I finally know the animal that is fighting with him. Actually think there are more than one, he is a scrapper!! There is a neghbor cat to one side that he has "discussions" with and also a dog on the other side.

I suppose in a way I am a little like that cat. Me and Timex. Take a lickin' and keep on tickin'. I just hope that Jules and I have 9 full lives still.

In His Loving Arms...

HOT HOT HOT

Well we are in a heat wave... more like a heat tsunami, one week down and another week predicted. I think the toll is hitting me pretty hard, I am not a friend to heat. In winter, I will wear sandals, and don't even own a jacket, the most I will consider is wearing a sweater over a tee-shirt.... so, the heat is not my friend.

One problem that I face is that I have to use the air-conditioners, plural, because one is upstairs and the other down and if they both are not running the house is a furnace and will never cool off. I really hate having to use the a.c. but it is a necessary evil E-V-I-L. I have to make sure the dog is left inside also because 108 is too much for him also, and I have only one shade tree on my half acre of land....

Note to self: plant more shade trees (fast growing preferred).

I try to leave the temp at about 78 or 80 and use small fans and ceiling fans to blow the air around, but still sweat sitting still drinking ice water. Not a very comfortable feeling. Then I thank God that I have been blessed to be able to have a.c. and do not live in a warmer climate. I think of those unfortunate souls who are living in areas and have a tin roof and cardboard walls, and I really should fall on my knees and praise God that I have a life which is really not too bad.

But I am really considering buying a pool to cool off in, even if it is a little 6 ft wide wading-pool. I can just fill it up and put under that shade tree, turn on the sprinkler, sit there and listen to the birds singing crazily and the train as it roars by.

Yes, I think I may do that tonight!

In His Loving Arms...

1 year ago...

1 year ago this evening my life changed. As you know change can be either good or bad and this change was both. My husband and brother were in a DUI accident, my brother almost lost his life, and my husband was sent to jail because he was the drunk driver.

Luckily, if there is any luck to this event, no other car was involved.

Bad things that came from this:

1. Totalled Mini-Van -- MINE -- my hubby was kind enough to spare his truck.
2. Husband in the hospital and then arrested/charged with felony DUI, and jailed.
3. Trauma and Drama of the hospital for all involved.
4. My brother was in and out of hospital for quite a few months.
5. Loss of income for me to keep up with house payments, bills, etc.
6. Hubbys truck was repossessed.
7. My depression kicked in and I was unable to parent my then 14-yr old son.
8. My son, moved to Texas to live with an uncle, because my hubbys family felt I was neglecting Charlie.

Good things that came from this:

1. My brother has not had a drink for the past year, and does not want one.
2. I have become much closer to my brother, and now know his girlfriend of 5+ yrs.
3. I am stronger, mentally, and more independant.
4. My son went to Texas and learned he is a smart kid.
5. I got a cat.
6. My husband is no longer living with me.

I am sure there are many more than this but I can't think of others right now and may have to amend this later.

In his Loving Arms, forever...

blue funk

I am again in a blue funk.

My husband is out of jail as of wednesday and my son prefers to spend time with him.

Charlie has been home from TX since friday last week... not quite 7 days, and in that time he has spend only 3 nights at my house, the rest with Grandma and his father.

I don't really begrudge his wanting to see Dad after such a long time, but he had not seen me for pretty much the same amount of time and yet he is so quick to go away from me. I know that we do not have much in common and I love him very much, but he certainly prefers to spend his free time with Dad.

I know that I am going to have to come to grips with this fact of life. However, his dad is such a bad influence on him. If Charlie wants to live with Dad instead of me, how much more will he not like me if I do not allow it, or go to a judge and request custody, with very little visitation, with conditions???

So I am muddling away.. away.. away. Dealing with it like I deal with a lot of things, by ignoring it and hoping it will GO AWAY.

In His Loving Arms....

the thinks we remember...

I talked to Charlie last night to wish him Happy Birthday. I called at 640pm my time which is two hours earlier than it is in TX where he is. When he got on the phone I said "Almost Happy Birthday" and he laughed and said that it was his birthday all day ...

I told him NO, actually 15 years ago right now this actual minute you still had not been born. You were born at 844pm --and I stressed that it was California time, so he still had 2 hrs to go to OFFICIALLY be 15. Bummer.

He laughed and said he had been wondering what time of day he was born, and for some reason always thought it was morning.

Isn't it strange the thinks we think??

It's also strange the thinks we remember (and yes I am spelling it the way it is)...

When Charlie was born I had already been in the hospital over 24 hrs, on medication to get him to get the hell out of me ! (yeah right) .. he was already almost 2 wks overdue, but as a first baby not really a big concern. I had to have the plug removed for me, water-broken for me, contractions done FOR ME.. get the picture? All this while hooked up to monitors both around my belly and attached to the baby thru my .. well... you know.. so I couldn't even get up and walk around like they promised me I could do.

I had been going thru this for quite a long time and I must admit that the contractions were getting more intense but I still was not dilating like I should have. I asked for pain meds which I really didn't want to take, but couldn't handle it any more, so I was in la-la land when all hell broke loose.

The baby's monitor went ballistic and about 2000 staff members came running into the room (it really seemed like 2000 but probably was about 6), with me getting turned this way and that way and hands here there and everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE, in order to get the baby back to normal. whew it was crazy

Well, long story short I ended up having a C-section anyways and he had a great Apgar score and weight a decent 9.0 lbs.

I also remember I was extremely blessed to have this beautiful baby boy in my life.

in His loving arms...

No decision is a decision...

My son, Charlie, turns 15 tomorrow. How the hell did that happen and who gave him permission to do so?? He currently is living with his Uncle Tom in Texas and is due to come home on Friday this week. I have not seen him in almost 6 months. No pictures, nothing. I have been wondering what he looks like, so much can change in such a short time... more facial hair? taller? heavier? longer or shorter hair? It is a very uncertain time right now, not knowing, and that is the least of my worries.

Will he or I have changed more than just physically. Will we get along more than we did before he left? Will we finally make a connection? Will he still try to push the limits? (of course he will ;0) silly me

What will he think has changed with me?

I don't have the house "ready" for him. Actually it is not much different than when he left except that I have moved my bed into his room, and his bed is in pieces down in the living room. I feel like I am in a holding pattern, waiting, waiting, waiting... I don't want to change anything in preparation of his arrival because what if it is not right? I am going to just wait until he gets here and have him help me with it.

Sometimes making no decision is a decision, and I am going to stick with my decision to do nothing!

in His loving arms...

Ephesians 4:30

I found the following from another Blog....

and felt moved by it to put on my Blog today.

"Don't grieve God. Don't break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don't take such a gift for granted." -Ephesians 4:30
(moving, breathing, most intimate, making, fit for himself...don't break his heart)

Depression is Depressing

Depression is very depressing. Now isn't that profound???

It is a wicked cycle. When I am down I don't want to get up.. literally. I want to sleep the day away, then have trouble sleeping all night. I know that sleeping as much as I do is not a good thing, but when I can't keep my eye-lids open what else is there to do??? The past couple weeks have been DOWN for me. I haven't wanted to do anything but eat, sleep, watch T.V. and work on my cross-stitch. I have not really wanted to be around other people but have forced myself to go to an important meeting, walk in the Relay for Life, and attend church, but not much more. I have even stopped going to the gym, which then makes me even more depressed, and FATTER.



But I know that this too shall pass, like a gall-stone: in time and after some pain!!

Anyways, enough complaining for now.

As always,
In His Loving Arms...

Diane

I am not a very social person, so I am most comfortable sitting back and observing the crowd for a while. I have to really push myself to talk with someone new, but once I do then I really can open up -- sometimes too much!! I like to sit in my own “comfort zone” usually behind a table, watching and listening, and when someone comes over to talk about the items on my table I then have a good reason to talk and laugh with that person. This way I force myself to be interactive rather than sitting like a lump all the time.

I have made it my mission, my ministry, at regional church events to support the Women’s Ministry table. There I can talk with women who stop by and I can interest them in reading about this or that; and, of course, get to know them a little bit and they can get to know me a little bit.

This weekend I sat behind the Women’s Ministry information table and listened to the sermons, music, and just observed everyone as they passed by. My friend Diane came over during one session and asked if she could join me in my “comfort zone” and I was so glad to share this space.

Diane is a very special person to me. I first met her about 6 ½ years ago when my son Charlie went to his first summer church camp. He was just out of 2nd grade and nervous about being away from home for a week with a group of virtual strangers. Diane took him under her wings and made him so very comfortable and loved.

When I went to pick up Charlie at the end of the week, Diane came over to me, introduced herself, hugged me and then expressed how much she loved Charlie, and what a pleasure it was to get to know him. I have made it a point to hug Diane every time I see her. We don’t get to meet often because we are both busy people, but the heartfelt genuine affection and love for one another is there always. This is a soul-deep friendship.

Suzie

This past weekend I attended my church’s Annual Meeting in Pacific Grove. We stay at the Asilomar Conference Grounds. What a wonderful, beautiful place… even when it is raining as it was this weekend. The people make it so. I had the privilege of meeting Suzie and becoming closer to my friend Becky.

This was the first time that I had ever met Suzie, as far as I can remember anyhow. I was sitting talking to Becky and working on my cross-stitch. Suzie came over to see what I was working on and told me that her husband also works cross-stitch. I sat next to Suzie for lunch on Saturday and she had forgotten we met Friday afternoon, and said “Oh this is Michelle. I have heard a lot about you from Becky!” Through-out the rest of the weekend I was able to talk more about her and heard the story of how she and her husband met courted and married. I was amazed to learn that Suzie is only 2 years younger than my dad… I thought she was maybe 45 tops!! I feel like I made a real good friend this weekend and I know that I can never have too many friends.

Blogging Away

I have been hearing about this... blogging... and never could figure out if I would want to do anything about it. Seems a little public, but I figure I tell everyone everything about my life anyways, so may as well get into the 21st century --- finally. This is just a start and will post some other time.. have a meeting to get to and I am going to be late as it is! BUH-BYE