Mirrors

This past weekend I attended my regional women's fall retreat at Mission Springs in Scott's Valley. Beautiful place, beautiful people, beautiful program. You get the picture. What I came away from the retreat with was the fact that we all are confronted with MIRRORS in our life. Those stereotypes, preconceived notions that others have about us; that we have about ourselves because of them.

In my small group discussion we had a question asking what mirrors we have had in our lives that have shaped us. My first thought was that I have always had to be strong for the rest of my family, because my mother died when I was 5. I had to be the good little girl, strong for her family, helping with her brother. I remember soon after my mom's death, a very clear memory, of my dad crying, me in his lap. I don't recall what words were said at the time, but in my mind I think that I felt I had to be strong for dad, to help him through the rough times. I had to help be a mother to my brother, rather than be a sister. I don't believe anything was actually SAID, but maybe IMPLIED. If not, I took it upon myself anyways.

One of the hardest part of being at retreat is MY inferiority complex. I don't have a strong sense of self; and I didn't have Ginger along this year to help support me and be there for me when I was feeling lonely. I really almost didn't sign up to go because of that. I was thinking to myself "Why should I go? I don't know anyone there. I won't have anyone to talk with. I don't want to just sit around by myself, I can do that at home.

Then Pastor Ted asked if I was going, if I needed help with money to go, or a ride. So, I turned in my registration. Then I asked Sheila for a ride. (That was hard, I have real trouble asking... for anything.) I later found out I would be riding with 5 other women, not just 1. What a wonderful thing. After 2 years attending and being a member of my current church, I will be able to learn a little more about them, and they will learn about me. Maybe become friends!... What an idea!

The real validation for going to retreat was that when I did get there women came up to me and hugged me and said "It's good to see you again." Some of these ladies I see maybe one or two times a year. I may not remember all their names, but faces were familiar. They were friends.

I had forgotten, while I was in my pity party about "no friend, no one knows me, I will be alone," that while I do not keep in constant contact with people, I still do have friends at retreat. People who served on council with me over the past 10-12 years. People who know me from when I sat at the "book store" and sold books. Ladies who I have shared with at other small group discussions, or over breakfast/lunch/dinner. Women who I have talked with about knitting/crochet/stitching. They may not be fast friends, best friends, but they ARE friends.

In talking with some of them, I found out that many also had thought NOT to come to retreat. They also had to talk themselves into going, and were also happy to have been there. Whew. It is not just me... I am not alone. There are others out there with doubts, even when they project such strength, that I would never have thought they had issues. I forgot that we are all human, we all have issues, we have strength and weakness, that we have love, hate and sadness in our lives. We all have mirrors. It is what we do with those reflections that form our lives.

And, of course, I remain always...

In His Loving Arms